Saturday, December 30, 2006

New Year Predictions: Fiery Splits

Good and happy is only good and happy if there is bad and crappy to compare it to.

Which means you can't have hook-ups without breakups and my '07 kiss off predictions are as follows.

1. Paris and Stavros. Or Niarchos, or Pavlos, or Zeus. She like her men Greek and moneyed, but it never lasts. Bye, bye for you Greek god!

2. Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves. He does NOTHING for her. She was supposed to look better after her divorce, not like some Christian music chanteuse. Bye, bye, you bad stylist. And good riddance!

3. Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton. If they really wanted to get married, they should have gotten married long before now. Bye, bye, there's a reason you didn't get hitched the first time around!

4. Evangeline Lilly and Domenic Monaghan. Talk about the odd couple, it's like watching a grub make out with Barbie. You just wait until she gets off the island buddy! Yuck. Bye, bye hobbit boy!

5. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. Face it - he thought he was marrying the heir to the Aaron Spelling fortune. Instead he got a poor, horse-faced, talentless wifey. Now that he got her preggers he wants to remarry her all over again. This is how things went to sh*t between BritBrit and K-Fed and look where they are now.

Buh bye!

New Year Predictions: New Couplings

In Hollywood it seems like people change partners more frequently than square dancers.

So, as the square dance caller would say:

Ace of Diamonds, Jack of Spades
Meet your partner & all promenade!

My list for '07 Hookups:

1. Lance Bass and Clay Aiken. I know I know, Clay hasn't come out of the closet yet. But c'mon, they would make a cute couple.

2. Tara Reid and Keven Federline. They belong together like Cheez Whiz on Wonder Bread.

3. Pam Anderson and Jamie Fox. He's a single parent, she's a single parent, and they are both a little naughty, spank you very much!

4. Jennifer Aniston and well I wouldn't have put her together with Vince Vaugh, so I am going to go with another unlikely sort: Keifer Sutherland. Besides, I kind of wanted to put her with Brett Favre except he's already hooked up.

5. Matthew McConaughey and......................... HIMSELF. Seriously, this man is the modern day Narcissus.

That's what I got for now.
Happy new year!

New Year Predictions: New Mommies

Ok so here's what I think 2007 will bring:

I think babies are going to be BIG in Hollywood this year. Babies are going to be as coveted as the oversized designer handbag has been in '06.

My picks for '07 mommies are:

1. Pink - she's been married a year now. In Tinseltown years that's like 3 years. Time to make a baby!

2. J. Lo - You KNOW her hubby can't wait to knock her up. Pretty soon he'll also be taking away her shoes and stuff.

3. Jennifer Garner - she made such a cute one, why not go for gold... or Iris, or Holly, or Lily.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow - same as above but she's likely to head in the Abraham, Peach, Issac, or Walnut direction.

5. Lindsay Lohan - she'll do anything for a headline and she's not in AA for no reason. People please!

She did what to his what with her what????

A woman in North Carolina is being charged with malicious castration after she assaulted the genitals of a man at a Christmas party.

Ok, firstly, there was no weapon in involved yet the victim needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage.

Ewww!!!!!
I know! Riiiight.

Secondly, who brings out the nuts at a Christmas party?!?

Gad, the holidays really f*ck people up like no other time of the year.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Ultimate Loft


This is where I want to live.

It is the penthouse at the Pierre and for only $70,000,000 it can be mine.

According to the Nooo Yawk Times, this lovely 13,660 square foot residence features a ballroom (natch!), a gilded lobby, and five working fireplaces.

Seeing as how my new home is about ten times the size of my current home, I better start shopping.

And yes, this residence does qualify as a loft.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Hot Tamale

Santa brought me the one gift I wanted - an electric blanket.

I suffer from that old Yankee ailment of Frugalitas Frigititas which means I would rather shiver to death than turn the heat up. I think it is hereditary.

Hey, I can always put on another sweater, right.

Anyway, the only side effect of this disease that I cannot deal with is the effect of having ice blocks for feet. Which is why I love my electric blanket because there is no amount of cold weather that I can't stand so long as my bed is pre-warmed and my tootsies are toasty.

Since my old blanket has deteriorated into a fire hazard, it was time to ask for a new one.

If I buy my own one I will by a cheapo model. If I ask Santa for one......

Well let's just say I got the deluxe, fleece-clad, ultra thin heat elements, turbo blanket.

Zero to conflagration in about six minutes.

Whoooo hoooo!!!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Santa is real

I had a dream the other night that Santa Claus landed on the roof across the street from me.

There were the regular amount of reindeer and the sleigh was all lit up with holiday lights. And he took a hard landing and a few of the lead reindeer overshot the roof and were sort of dangling over the edge of the building. It seemed so logical and realistic.

I think Santa is real.

Although if you move the "n" past the "a" it changes it from "Santa" to "Satan"...

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Baked Beans for Christmas

I don't know why but for some reason I had this need to make baked beans, brown bread, and codfish cakes for Christmas Eve dinner.

Which is curious because I can't really stomach fish and normally I only eat beans out of a can, on toast with a fried egg on top. As for brown bread, well I can take it or leave it.

But here it is Christmas Eve eve and there is a pot of beans in my oven, and a basin of salt cod refreshing in the fridge. And I will confess that I dry-heaved when I had to rinse the fish off. Ick.









These are the beans
Kind of neat packaging.








And the beans in the pot after with a splodge of the secret sauce on top.



I will post pics of the finished product.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Christmas Relief

Ok so I started my Christmas shopping yesterday.

Which will explain why my family is getting blue plastic dolphin doodads.

By the time I got home I was in a foul mood, lifted only by a tale of true romance as told by my friend Beeeeeeeeeeeeej, and a few minutes playing Santa Sez.

If you haven't had a go with Santa Sez, I highly recommend it.

Try the words "destroy" "kill reindeer" or "strip".

Mindless fun, goes well with candy canes.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

How the endless back up occurs on Storrow Drive Eastbound

A truck driver was driving along on Storrow Drive.

A sign comes up that reads, "LOW BRIDGE AHEAD".

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles and finally a Statie shows up.

The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Black Cake Part 2

After I posted about my black cake adventure this weekend, the Boston Globe ran an article in today's Food Section about black cake.

Read all about it here: Black Cake Article

For one thing, the food editor at the Globe once said she would NEVER EVER EVER run an article on fruitcake of any kind, so I dunno how this one got by her.

And for another thing, MY black cake looks WAY better than theirs.

So there.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

For Sale: One Ugly Piece of Crap!

Mumbles Menino can't help himself...

Now he wants to move City Hall to Southie.

Are you f*cking kidding me!

Don't get me wrong here, I am all for selling that misbegotten heap of decaying concrete and all the crotchety employees within.

You can see the heap o'crap for yourself if you want to here. And I know that there are people who will argue that it is a valuable piece of architecture, to which I say "show me your Pacer!" because like the AMC Pacer, there was a week in 1979 when both were considered to be pretty neat!

But what makes me bananas is that he wants to move City Hall to Southie!

South Boston already got the Convention Center and the convention center surcharge that gives the neighborhood of South Boston a couple of bucks for every convention goer.

So now they want to move City Hall over there too.
Talk about moving the trough INTO the sty.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The 20 Pound Cake

Today I made Laurie Colwin's Black Cake.

Which if you read the whole recipe you will find out that she never actually made the cake herself.

But anyway I had a major craving for a dark, rummy, fruity cake and boy is that ever what I got!

The thing weighs about 20 pounds, is pitch black, and smells like rum.

Whoo hoo!!

Anyone want some?

Thursday, November 30, 2006

I need help.

Yesterday night it was kind of cold.

(Unlike today where it is about 70 balmy degrees!)

Anyway, when I got home last night, I was catching up on some reading and kind of felt chilly as I was wearing a skirt and just sort of sitting around.

So I go and put on a pair of pajama bottoms and then was like "well I'll be chilly if I take off my skirt" so I left that on over the pj bottoms. Hot, I know.

Then, I pull on a ratty old holey cardigan over the nice sweater I was wearing because a) it made me even warmer and b) I had to do some dishes and didn't want to get the nice sweater mucky.

Which was fine because who cares if I look like a bag lady in the privacy of my own home.

Until I realized that I'd left a bag in the car that I needed.

So I pulled on my boots because they were closest to the back door and went out to the car, figuring no one would see me because it was dark out.

Ha ha, riiiight.

That's what my neighbors are for. They are for catching me out in the dark in my pjs-under-my-street-clothes-snow-boots-ratty-sweater-outfit. Like I said: HOT!

They already think I am the old nutball who complains about their loud 4am parties, and now - after last night - they must think I am an about to be a homeless old nutball.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Here's how Murphy's Law works.


The Sox sign Diahatsu Kamikaze for a crapwad of cash.

He moves to Boston, and not being able to figure out the driving system that is unique to Boston, tries to to cross the street at a crosswalk and is promptly mowed down by a cab, resulting not in certain death, but rather a badly broken pitching arm.

Welcome to Boston buddy!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Freeeeeeebirrrrddddd!!!!!!!!

It's a Christmas Miracle - the Muddy Rudders are playing on December 9th.
Whoo hoo!

Quite possibly they are my favorite Boston boy band.

They are playing at Murphy's Law in Southie.

Which from the outside looks like a Bulger black hole, but is actually a pretty fun place to listen to a band.


AND they take requests! More cowbell!!!
Frrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeebbbirrrrrrrrrrrdddd!!!!!!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Melrose Place sneak reunion

Other than Melrose Place, what else do the following actors:

Doug Savant
Marcia Cross
Laura Leighton
Heather Locklear
Courtney Thorne-Smith

have in common?


They are all on shows on ABC. And I know there are more, but I can't think straight after all that turkey.

I think that ABC is secretly engineering a Melrose Place reunion.

And oh yeah, BTW - WTF happened to Delta Burke's face?

She's on Boston Legal and it looks like baaaaad plastic surgery or something because she can't move the right side of her face.

Weird, I would have thought she'd have the gastric bypass first.

Patriots 17 - Bears 13

This game was more like watching a tennis match.

Pats have the ball.... whoops Bears intercepted.... whoops now it's back to the Pats.... aaaaaannnnnd there are the Bears with the ball..... only to be picked out by the Pats again.....

Yep, five turnovers.

And here's a picture I am getting to like.

Happy Birthday Sister!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok - technically LAST Sunday was my sister's day of birth.

However she went turkey shootin' up in the back of beyond so we waited until this week to party. Well that's what we're telling her anyway.

Today it was all about leftover casserole, cupcakes and presents!

Whoo hoo!

I ,for one, am sure glad you were born sister!!!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Watch this movie.

My newest most favoritist movie EVAH is now Roll Bounce.

It's about a kid and his friends growing up in the 70's who love to skate. All parts of the movie are good, it is well acted and well written and has a great soundtrack.

Seriously, if you can't like this movie then you are probably a puppy kicker.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Just like 20 years ago

I was reading about the new craze for Playstation 3.

Personally I don't get it because I don't play video games. But it would seem that the desire for these limited quantity machines has created major ruckuses at area malls where they've been going on sale at midnight. Half the people clamoring for them are gamers and the other half are capitalists who are going to whip round and sell the machines on Ebay.

Like I said, I don't get it.

However someone I know knows lots about them and tells me that Sony (the manufacturer) could only make a limited quantity before Christmas because some component of the machine got mucked up in production and so they couldn't make as many as they wanted.

I think this story smells like bullsh*t. It is more likely that Sony is feeding the frenzy and then lo and behold they'll flood the market on like December 5th.

Just like the Cabbage Patch Craze of 1985-86.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Okay okay, I get it...

Enough about Dianne W. !!

But this is the last thing, I sweah....

The Boston Globe reports that her campaign finance shenanigans have been brought to the attention of the Attorney General. Read about it HERE.

Not that it will make any difference.

Dianne W. is like the Leona Helmsley of campaign finance - "Only little people explain campaign finance discrepancies!"

But it makes me feel better that I didn't vote for her.

Because face it, the woman has gotten to the point where she wouldn't recognize an ethic unless it was handed to her in a brown paper bag marked "Campaign Donation".

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Boston, circa 1979 - Channel 56 WLVI

GO MIGHTY HEROES!

All the Duran Duran you can handle and MORE!

Oh my god was I ever a Fan o' Duran when I was a teen!

I had a poster of the band in my closet and was convinced that their "Wild Boys" video was like the BEST video EVER.

Like, ohmigod!

And because they make these really arty and sexual videos I only ever got to see the super-edited versions, if that even.

So hallelujah for YouTube!

I finally got to see the long version of "Girls on Film" which was as racy as I had always heard it was. And the video for "The Chauffeur" which I doubt could ever be edited for tv! Phew!

It's good to be a grown-up!

Some things will just never be retro.

And that would be wearing stirrup pants and dress shoes.

Ugly then, ugly now.

I'd like to see the Egg Beater

My Favorite Amy sent me along this link: Three Dances with Patrick Borelli

I know I have seen this guy somewhere.....



Be sure to read the fine print, and oh yeah, check the sound on your computer too.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Teri Hatcher is SOOOOO annoying!

I am trying to maintain an interest in Desperate Housewives because y'know, it's good to have goals.

However I find that Teri Hatcher has the same effect on me as nails on a chalkboard. And it seems clear that the writers don't like her much either since they've constantly got her harassing her daughter for wanting to grow up and date boys.

It makes her look jealous, sort of pathetic, and shrill. I am waiting for her character to electrocute herself one of these days while making toast in the bathtub.


Looks like them biscuit wheels are falling off the gravy train!

Jets 17 - Patriots 14???

What the f*ck is going down in Foxboro???

They really need to pull it together and stop all their messing about.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

It's November 9th

It's two weeks before Thanksgiving and about 60 degrees out.

The Christmas advertising is depressing!

Enough!

Hell must have frozen over.

I can't believe I agree with Mayah Mumbles on something, on anything!
Time to get out the heavy winter coat because clearly hell hath frozen over!

Today the MBTA decide that they are going to raise the fares on the public transportation system. Extra! Extra! Read all about it here.

A trip on the subway was $1.25, but will be $1.75
A trip on the bus was $.90, but will be $1.25

Now that is a really f*cking BAD IDEA.

It is estimated that 1.1 million people use the T each weekday.

The population of Boston is estimated to be 560,000 which would be like everyone in Boston using the T every week day twice a day.

The MBTA claims that the fare hikes will drive away about 16.5 million riders a year, about 1,375,000 people per month, or 68,750 people a day.

Seems like a droplet in the bucket.

But the part where I agree with Mumbles Menino is the part where he claims such a dramatic increase would impact those who can least afford it.

Face it, the people who can afford a car can and mostly do drive to work.
Just try driving in or out of Boston around rush-hour where it feels like the volume of cars has doubled in the past ten years.

But most of those 1.1 million are people who can't afford to own a car. The insurance alone is pricey - the Flapjack (a 13 year old beater) has the most minimal insurance available and that runs about $1200 a year.

It just doesn't make sense in the real world. Perhaps if they got rid of all the cushy middle management/patronage jobs, they wouldn't have to put the squeeze on the last of the T faithful.

I can't believe it's not butter!

Parkay!!!

It would seem that there is more than one place to live in Massachusetts that has floors made out of margarine.

I am certain they mean "parquet", but like whatever.

Check out the butter floors on Craigslist- they are probably STUNNING!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Ugh - again with Dianne W.

Ok, so why exactly is Dianne the better choice here?

There is no good reason for her to be voted back in.
It goes to show that people vote by party, not by candidate.

For crying out loud, if Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo ran for State Senate on the Democratic ticket, he'd definitely be making it in Massachusetts!


Not dead yet!

If my fish could talk, that's what he'd say.

Not Bluto, but the other one Floyd.

Bluto is a champ. Fights himself for food, flares out at his own bad self, makes happy little bubble nests when I change his water, and will eat anything I give him.

Pretty Boy Floyd however is proving to be my special needs fish. Not only is he crippled, but he is a picky eater, a little bit blind I think, and afraid of his own shadow.

Perhaps naming him Pretty Boy Floyd was a little presumptuous. But he is hanging in there, the little champ!

K-Fed Up.

Ick.

That's what pops into my mind when I think about Kevin Federline.

It's about time Britney is divorcing his sorry popozao.

The only race I care about...

Is the 2nd Suffolk State Senator race between Dianne Wilkerson (D) and Samiyah Diaz(R).

If Wilkerson wins then the people deserve the crappy and insincere service they've been getting for the past 10 years.

And don't cry to me, because she sure didn't get my vote!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH TEDDY KENNEDY???

After tuning in to the coverage of the election results I am curious to know what the hell is wrong with Ted Kennedy?

Seriously - the old coot is SHOUTING AT THE AUDIENCE AND NOT MAKING TERRIBLY MUCH SENSE.

I get his point, but he's not making it very eloquently and he is covering it up BY YELLING INTO THE MICROPHONE.

Did he have a stroke or something? That can't be just age or alcohol...

Monday, November 06, 2006

All we did was eat

I feel like this past weekend away has been all about food - meeting people for meals.

We arrived Friday right in time for margaritas, chips, and salsa. Ole! And then aiiii carumba later....

We started Saturday with breakfast tapas at Cafe Atlantico. Breakfast tapas? After a gallon of tequila I kind of wanted something more greasy and a little less elegant, but the food was terrific.

Then I went to the National Portrait Gallery for about 3 hours. The Portrait Competition is OUT OF THIS WORLD. It literally took my breath away. More for sure on that later.

After walking off the tapas we went to Stardust in Alexandria which was delicious. I had pork chops and beans, and as usual one chop was perfectly cooked and the other one was on the tough/dry side. And EXCELLENT cocktails.

Sunday I went off to see friends out in Bethesda (took the Metro - more math) and we went to an Irish bah and I had a pretty good Irish breakfast (grilled tomato, yay! weak tea, bad!). Our young waiter was very nice even though he dumped a full glass of ice water on us. Thank goodness for man-made material boots!

For a late afternoon pick-me up, the Blonde and I went to Old Town in Alexandria for oysters on the half shell and Bloody Marys. And sat next to a man who looked like an Old Dominion type but who was in fact crazy. He had a full on conversation with the Lord while enjoying a beer and some chowder, this after yelling at his family on his Blackberry about how they've shunned him and are false before God and that God loves rich people too.

Then we went home for some junk food.
And now we are off to have MORE breakfast.

Hopefully they will let us on the plane.....

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I am currently away from my desk or on another call...

Right now I am lovely ALEXANDRIA VIRGINIA!!!!!!

I have to say that I am a big fan of Washington DC and surrounding areas.

Most museums are free, every middle aged white man sort of looks like Dick Cheney, the Metro is easy to use, and there are men in uniform EVERYWHERE.

HOT!

My evil twin and I arrived yesterday after being in forward motion for 6 hours straight - my house, orange line, blue line, shuttle bus, airplane, shuttle bus, orange line, blue line, Blonde Bombshells house.

Not only that, but the pilot told us that we passengers could listen to the air traffic control conversation on channel 9. That is really cool. I listened as we flew from Boston, through New York airspace, and into Washington airspace. It was particularly helpful when the landing got bumpy and evil twin started to get nervous. I had her listen to the pilots who sounded very calm and so we felt less like we were about to fly into the ground nose first.

And then once we arrived in Virginia, we were met by the Blonde Bombshell and the Power Para and taken straight out for margaritas. Of which I promptly drank two and got completely HAAAAA-mmered.

Because they were made with about a fifth of tequila and a splash of mix. WHOO HOO!!

Did I mention that this was all around 4pm?

The only complaint I have is that the fare system on the Metro requires more mathematical ability than I possess. It involves some vile combination of calculus and geometry and I find it's just easier to more fare than you really need and hope for the best.

OH YEAH - the fine print tells you to keep your ticket because you need it to get out.
Who knew!

If all goes well and I don't get arrested by Homeland Security for jumping on men in uniform, I will post more tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

It's not just me...

Ok, there are a couple of movies that I can't help but watch when they come on.

In no particular order they are:

- Silverado
- Blazing Saddles
- Shawshank Redemption
- The Princess Bride

I know that there are a few of you out there who will say "oh yeahhhhhh dude, me too!!"

This is why I have watched Silverado about 4 times in the past four weeks....

Monday, October 30, 2006

Football Round-Up (yeah, NOT soccer)

Of course the Pats top the AFC East.
They had no difficulty quashing the Vikings who are currently at the bottom of the NFC North.

The Pats still face two tough games against the Colts (7-0) and then the Bears (7-0), but the Colts narrowly beat the Broncos yesterday and the game is at Gillette so that bodes well for the Pats.

AFC East Top: New England Patriots (of course!)
AFC West Bottom: The Miami Dolphins (1-6) and the Buffalo Bills (2-5) compete for the bottom of the AFC East. The Bills have the second lowest cumulative score (102) so far this season, just a few points over the Buccaneers (88) who are resting comfortably at the bottom of the NFC South.

AFC North Top: Baltimore Ravens (5-2)
AFC Bottom: Cleveland Browns (2-5) The Pittsburgh Steelers are not having a great season either considering they are last year's Superbowl winners.

AFC South Top: Indianapolis Colts
AFC South Bottom: Tennessee Titans (2-5) lost their first five games of the season, securing the bottom spot of the AFC South. Not only that but bookmakers are putting their Superbowl odds at 1000 to 1. Ouch.

AFC West Top: Denver Broncos (6-1)
AFC West Bottom: Oakland Raiders (2-5)

NFC East Top: New York Giants (5-2)
NFC East Bottom: Washington Redskins (2-5) Take THAT face-flicking fan!

NFC North Top: Chicago Bears
NFC North Bottom: Minnesota Vikings

NFC South Top: Atlanta Falcons (5-2) Southern teams with bird names seem to do pretty well this season...
NFC South Bottom: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) What's with Florida this year?

NFC West Top: Seattle Seahawks (4-3)
NFC West Bottom: Arizona Cardinals (1-7) Hmmm, this team does nothing for me at all. I don't even care that they suck right now.

Until next week.... GO PATS!

The ESPN Halloween Derby.

Oh my gosh.

Go Steve Young GO!

By the way, do they really need so many commentators during sports games?
I dowdit!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hippo Birdie Two Ewes


Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Only 9 more years to 100!
Don't quit now!

Ooops I did it again!

Yep - I bought another fish.

This is going to end up like the whole bird feeding incident.

But those little betta fishes sure are pretty and resilient!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Snoop Dogg Arrested for Possession

Ok, I will admit when I first heard about that I was like "Shut the f*ck up".

Snoop Dogg smokes weed?

Get OUT!

When isn't he stoned is more to the point really...
Please.


Thursday, October 26, 2006

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?

It has come to my attention that lo and behold, actors and assorted other famous people are hypocrites.

Oh..........my............ GOD, how dare they!

Yes, it is a fact - Ed Begley Jr. has NO real effect on anyone in Hollywood.

J. Lo might drive a Prius (yeah right whatever, she drives a Bentley) but when she flies, she flies in a private jet. Same for George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Brangelina.

If they think that by driving a Prius or Tango or GranolaBar they are somehow negating the pollution effect of flying, well then they might as well start walking everywhere.

Seriously.

And if you don't believe me, you can read all about it HERE.



Sunday, October 22, 2006

Patriots 28, Bills 6

The Bills suffer from the Curse of the Bledsoe-Parcells tag team.
Really, they had no chance against the Pats.

So far this season the Bills have only beat Miami and Minnesota.
My grandpa could beat Miami and probably Minnesota.

The only win for Miami was over Tennessee.
Tennessee only had one win so far this season, over Washington.

So today's game for the Pats coming off a bye week was more like a warm-up exercise.
Not that they need it for next weeks game against Minnesota, but it will get them ready for the following week against the Colts.

A fish in the 'hood.

I don't know what possessed me, but I bought a Siamese Fighting fish this weekend.

Some of you out there may remember my previous experiences with keeping fish. It was that time when I thought I could maintain a goldfish.

The first one I got was Biscuit who died the night I brought her home. Then I got Hitler (he had a little Hitler moustache) and HE didn't last the night either.

So I gave up on goldfish because it started to freak me out - all that death and flushing.

Well now I went and got myself a very dark blue fish with a few dark red markings. Very fierce looking fish, fits right into the 'hood.

Plus he likes watching tv with me. I was watching the Pats game today and I look over to the fish and he is watching the game intently. Not only that but when the Pats scored a touchdown he swam around giddy like a schoolgirl. GO PATS!

However I cannot for the LIFE of me thinik of a suitably fierce name for the little bugger.

Any suggestions?

Friday, October 20, 2006

Boston Driving Blues

I can't be the only one who thinks that the Southeast Expressway turned into on majorly sh*tty clusterf*ck.

Seriously.

Back in the day it used to suck from about 7 am until about 9am and then from about 4pm to about 6pm.

Now it is bumpah-t'-bumpah from about 6:30am until about 10pm.

And good luck if you want to get on or off anywhere close-ish to Mass Ave.

The Mass Ave exit is usually backed up to the Southampton Street exit and never mind trying to get on from Mass Ave. The three light sets that regulate the on and off ramps are now regulated by State Troopers who may be great at busting meth rings but who SUCK at regulating the flow of traffic.

And then there is the machine that "zips" the HOV lane open and closed. This thing really f*cks up traffic. "Royally" as my dad might say.

Let me tell you why.

Heading due south on the Expressway from Mass Ave to about the Savin Hill bridge there are four lanes of traffic.

When you get to Savin Hill you start to see big yellow flashing arrows that tell you to get over. That the left lane is CLOSED.

Which is confusing to about 87% of all drivers because there are arrows in TWO lanes.

So does that mean that the 2 left lanes are closed? Which is what most people seem to think anyway because suddenly everyone tries to get into the 2 right lanes.

And no sooner do you sort out which lane you want to be in the big Zipper Mobile is coming at you.

That's when people really go "WHAT THE F*CK!"


Because it is truly disorienting to see a big thing coming at you in what is normally the highspeed lane.

I dunno. I give all this about 5 more years until some politician decides to do something.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Dude, Smell This.

I know that I have commented to people before about this but truly this is one bit of human behavior that always ALWAYS baffles and amuses me.

Why is it that when someone smells or tastes something bad they will almost always turn to the person next to them and say:

Does this taste/smell bad to you?

Why? Why?

Monday, October 16, 2006

Roller Boogie

If you don't go and shake yer roller shake-shake-baby on Wednesday night at Chez Vous, then it will be closed and GONE FOREVER!!!!!

How could you live with yourself!!!!!!

SAVE THE ROLLER RINK!!!!

Remember Spin Off!!
Long Live Chez Vous!

Shalom in the Home?

I kind of thought it was a VH-1 joke, this "Shalom in the Home" business.

But no, it is an actual reality show on TLC. As if Nanny 911 and Wife Swap weren't bad enough... puhleez...

Shalom seemingly plans to have Rabbi Shmuley Boteach cover topics from teen sex to adultery to divorce. Which sort of sounds like a logical flow to me. And a little bit like Montel, or Maury, or Oprah really.

But it does make me wonder what they will think of for Muslim families.
Maybe "The Imam vs. My Mom" or "Making it Halal with Rachael Ray"

hmmmmm....

Ma'a salama y'all!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

A pie in your eye!

Okay okay, I will own up to watching most of the "Welcome Back Kotter" marathon that was on this weekend.

And so now I am obsessed with the seventies-style insult like "Up your nose with a rubber hose" and the friendlier "Not so far with a chocolate bar!"

I mean c'mon, rhyming insults just take it to a MUCH better place.

Next time some mofo cuts you off at the rotary, don't flip the bird.
Instead try a rhyming insult.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Craigslist - Internet Heroin

Ok, there is something highly addictive about Craigslist.

And sometimes it really just boils down to a Craplist.

With the following crap available:
(please note, accurate spelling is not a requirement for posting)

**Rod Iron Coat Rack** - I suspect this is really wrought iron...

The Holy Sh*t I want THAT car - car

Chair for Archie Bunker - literally. Their words, not mine. Funny post though.

Welcome Back Kottah!!!

Ohmigod there is a Welcome Back Kotter Marathon on tomorrow night!!!!

I used to LOVE Welcome Back Kotter! (reruns yo!)

I STILL love Welcome Back Kotter!! (reruns yo!)

Back in the day the insults ran along the lines of "In your socks with a pound of lox!" and "Yer outta place potato face!" and the hair ran to afro.

Did you know that Horshack is 59?

Wellllllllcome back, welcome back, welcome back!!!!!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Cross Cultural Eating

Lately I have been spending time with a few people of the Muslim variety. And right now it is Ramadan which means no eating during daylight hours.

To be nice, I tried to fast for one day and barely made it to 1pm. Being Muslim at Ramadan would definitely suck for me.

So instead I've had the chance to break the fast with them.

The first challenge is to find a restaurant that serves halal meat.

The first time we all went out together was to Schwarma King and the chicken kebob was delicious. And everyone eats with their fingers which MUCH harder to do than you think.

Trust me, this is not like when you were three. If you are not good at it, you end up slobbing all over yourself.

Also, I am learning to like bubble tea. You know, that milky drink with "fish eyes" in it.

Gross AND addictive.

I got a rose flower milk tea with boba which reminded me of a dessert experience I had with my evil twin. However instead of tapioca balls to contend with, we were confronted with vermicelli. But that is another story.

Anyway, I am enjoying my eating time with my Muslim peeps and can't wait until after Eid so we can go for a diner breakfast my way. With forks and everything!

Because eggs benedict are friggin' hard to eat with your fingers.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Why I want to be a cowboy.

Because I watched Silverado.

One of those movies that I always watch when it comes on.

Now I want to move out west.

Heeeeeeeee hawwwww!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Bring peanuts and a lawn chair.

Every week Cheap Thrills Rob sends out a list of stuff to do in the Boston area for under $10.

This is the only email that I really want to get and I get cranky when it's late. Sorry CTR, I can't help it, I just get a little bit cranky.

Now I notice stuff to do for under $10. Like watching the police process a crime scene. That's free. And interesting.

Last night there were two shootings: one in front of my house and one a street over. They had the big crime scene truck out, and one car had a great big bullet hole in the driver side door, and there were great ropes of yellow police tape garlands festooning the trees..

Like I said, watching the police process the crime scene was pretty interesting, and free!

Check out the Boston Police Department News for high crime areas and remember to bring your own lawn chair and refreshments. Oh yeah, and probably a bulletproof vest would be a good idea too.

See you there!

Strawberry Flavored

I love anything strawberry flavored.

And I am pretty sure that it is because anything strawberry flavored is also going to be pink, which happens to be my favorite color.

PINK!

Monday, October 09, 2006

AC/DC does NOT rock Grandpa.

However he does rock in his own way to Mahler n'schtuff.

Yesterday to get him in the football spirit I made him listen to AC/DC's "For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)".

Since we'd already had a field trip to Gillette Stadium in September, I wanted to convey how hair-raising it is to hear that song when you walk into the stadium. You really just want to start yelling.He gamely bobbed his head and pumped his fist a bit.

And I think he got it.
Though I think he would prefer "Night on Bald Mountain".

Well anyway, we then had a great breakfast at Doyles (blueberry pancakes!) and when I called him later he was watching the game all on his own.

So I guess AC/DC goes get him a little psyched for football.

Time to christen the baby.

I really can't call this car the Son of SatanMobile.

It hasn't yet given me the kind of grief the original SatanMobile did.
And this car has air conditioning. AIR CONDITIONING!

It's a Christmas miracle!
In fact I am almost afraid to even use it, in case I use it all up before next summer.

Anyway, so now I need to come up with a new name for the beast.

My first Volvo was a medium blue '88 240 station wagon known as the "Breakfast Bus" because it was usually used to take like 11 people to, well, breakfast. Sometimes it was referred to as the "Blue Bomber" because she handled so well on the highway.

Then came the dark blue '91 240 station wagon known as the "SatanMobile" because of the constant heat and the fact that it had a devious mind.

So now I have the champagne '93 240 sedan that is temporarily known as the "Son of SatanMobile" but that doesn't feel right because she handles so sweetly.

Some of the names so far have been:

- Champagne SuperNova
- Flapjack (smaller than a pancake, it's a reference to the Breakfast Bus)
- Shortstack (see above)
- Ginger (Ginger is the name of the very nice lady at the auto parts shop where I had to buy some new fuses today. Older and sweet, just like Son of SatanMobile)

I am open to suggestions.

PS: How ghettowhitetrashsoccermom am I going to look when I put SatanMobile up on blocks and strip him for parts! I am now a two Volvo household! Giddyap mo-fo!

Pats 20 - Dolphins 10

Since I was out buying Son of SatanMobile, I had to listen to this game on the radio.

Next week is the Pat bye week... **sob**
I guess it can't be Christmas every week.

They are back on the 22nd at Buffalo.

And fortunately the Eagles beat the Cowboys. I can't STAND Parcells and Bledsoe.

Apparently neither can T.O. for whom RELIEF is spelled O-V-E-R-D-O-S-E.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Son of SatanMobile

Ok, so I really did consider buying a completely brand new car.

But then where's the fun in that?

So first let me introduce the original SatanMobile:



















TAA DAA!

And now please welcome the Son of the SatanMobile!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Touchdooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn!

I don't know why I like football.

It's like pistachio ice cream. For a long time I really didn't think I would like it, but you know, it's actually pretty tasty.

So now I have a person staying with me who watches all football all the time, including the show about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. So of course I am absorbing a whole lot of football, expecially college ball.

Today we watched the Michigan(31) v. Michigan State(13) game as well as the Texas(28) vs. Oklahoma(10).

Tomorrow is the Pats vs. Dolphins at 1pm and the Dallas vs. Philadelphia game at 4:15pm.

GO PATS.

I am actually looking forward to it!

And if I could just get the announcers to howl "Touchdooowwwwwwnnnnn" the same way the Spanish soccer announcers say "gooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal" my life would be perfect

Friday, October 06, 2006

Well I guess I will have to get another Volvo

Thanks to Johnny K who sent me this link: CLICK HERE

It would seem that Volvo makes the best shaggin' wagon.
Way to go SatanMobile - Numbah One!

I coulda told you that! *wink*wink*

Everyone knows that if the wagon's a-rockin', don't come a'knockin'!

And oh yeah - FYI Evil Twin, the Faux-koos is number 10. Ha ha!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hop-Head sparrows are back.

I thought I would re-introduce birdseed and suet block to the neighborhood crackbirds.

It was gone in about 45 minutes.

And now it seems there is a baby possum living under my deck.

**sigh**

In case you are new to the 'rag, you can follow the saga of the crack-sparrows here (Birds on Crack) and here (Birdgirl of the Ghetto)

PS: This is what a possum looks like.
My neighbor tells me they taste like squirrel.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Last hurrah for the SatanMobile

I took the SatanMobile to see Dr. T today.

I am devastated to report that the condition is terminal.

It is unlikely that the Satanmobile will pass inspection next month unless I put about a thousand bucks into it.

Which doesn't make much sense considering the car is 15 years old, cost me a grand to begin with, and is rusting to sh*t.

But I am wicked sad. I love the old beast.

I am going to miss the clatter and the heat and old man/gingerbread/apple pie/chipmunk smell.

So if you want one last ride in the Blue Bomber, you better get it now.

Holy Crap - I AM a monkey!

I was just going through a back log of emails and came across this link sent to me by my evil twin.

THE BIG RED BUTTON.

Seriously, you won't be able to help yourself.
And I cannot be held responsible.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Stranger than fiction.

What you don't see in this photo is about five feet of wing, among other stuff.

This is the damage caused by a mid-air collision with a jet liner in Brazil that sent the larger craft plummeting to earth, killing all 155 passengers.


It is an extraordinary and extraordinarily frightening story that is recounted by a freelance journalist at the New York Times who happened to be on the smaller jet.

You can, and ought, to read the article HERE.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Pats 38 - Bengals 13

I will say that I had my hesitations about this game.

No matter what Marting may say, I did not doubt the superior ability of the Patriots.

I was just concerned.

As for the ghost of Deion Branch. well let me just say that now he is the Seahawks problem. And good riddance I say, seeing as how the Bears are currently 28 points up on the Seahawks.

Suckahs!

Back in the day there was only break dancing...


I got sucked in to watching "Breakin' vs. Krumpin" and all I can say is I am shedding tears of frustration that I was born with two left flippers instead of feet.

Check it out: www.krumpkings.com

High seas joke of the day.

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed down his trousers.

The bartender says "Hey matey, do you know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies "Aye, I do! It's drivin' me nuts!"



Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhh

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Vrroom, vrroom, vrroom - I like fast cars.


I want one.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Satan's Chariot that I currently drive.

It's just that sometimes I would like to have a lovely smooth ride in a car that goes faster than 45mph without shaking like a bowl full of jelly.

Sssshhh no one tell Homeland Security....

Today was a typically beautiful New England fall day so after work I went over to Castle Island in Southie because well it's a great place to be.

Anyway one great thing about Castle Island is the fact that on some days the airplanes fly in super low and you feel like you could almost grab onto the wheels as they zoom by.

I get a little mesmerized watching the planes vroom overhead. And so I started taking some pictures and made a couple of videos because I am like that.

Until a very nice man told me that probably I was going to be arrested by Homeland Security for being a terrorist.

Whoops.

Anyway, I did post some pictures of Boston for your viewing pleasure.
No planes though, I'm no criminal thanks!

Click on this link to see the photos

From Boston is a Q...

Friday, September 29, 2006

More fun when you know what to click on.

Ok, so someone I know and love asked me "why do you underline certain words?"

Oh.

Well next time you see an underlined word, CLICK on it.
You never know what you might get...

Behold the magic!!!

Everything tastes better with Fluff

If all my clients cancel on me tomorrow I am going to the Marshmallow Fluff Festival in Union Square.

According to Cheap Thrill Rob:

"3:00 to 7:00 pm
What the Fluff? A Tribute to Union Square Invention
at Union Square Plaza, Somerville
FREE

This year State Senator Jarrett Barrios of Cambridge freaked out when his 3rd-grader son was served a fluffernutter sandwich, and he thought about introducing legislation against serving it in school cafeterias. Now we have a day to celebrate that marshmallow goo that was invented in Union Square about 90 years ago.

From Fluff cooking contest to Fluff science fair to to an art exhibit to bands who will each perform a song about it, there will be a lot of fluff but with some substance. There will even be prizes for best recipes and science displays.

The entertainment will be provided by Los Diablos, The Patrons, and Paddy Saul. Thru the Keyhole Burlesque will make you feel hot and sticky in between bands as The Flufferettes and serve Fluff-based treats to the crowd.

If you're up to it, there's a Fluff-inspired art exhibit inside the Somerville Community Access TV building next door. Various local restaurants have added Fluff dishes and drinks to their offerings. If you like rumtastic sweet drinks that look like a toilet bowl, I tried (just a sip!) the 'Coney Island Men's Room' at The Independent.

Raindate: SUN 10/1


http://www.coffeestainmusic.com/news.html

http://www.myspace.com/thepatrons
http://www.paddysaul.com/
http://www.thruthekeyhole.com/
http://www.marshmallowfluff.com/pages/history1.html
http://www.somervilleartscouncil.org/
http://www.unionsquaremain.org "


The morning after.

How come when you go out for a few civilized drinks with friends it is always the last drink that is the one that becomes the one you shouldn't have had?

Last night I went out for one glass of wine with some friends and first off the wine was f*cking FAB.

And then I was thinking well the first one went down so easy peasey that I figured why not get one more little one. A pretty light white from Provence - so harmless.

And since we had a little plate of antipasto to with it, how could we refuse a lovely little glass of red dessert wine with a bit of Prosecco to finish off the night.

Little pink devil really.
Woke up this morning thinking I should have had more to drink considering how crap I felt.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Craigslist Free Stuff Round Up

This week is turning into a real round up week and I don't know why.

But anyway, here are a few free things posted on Craigslist that might be of interest to some of you out there.

Item 1: a 1972 motor home, it's a classic! It's an summer home on wheels really. Although if you look at the pictures it appears that a tree is growing out of the front bumper. You know that you secretly want it. Those orange stripes call your name don't they.

Item 2: A wodden boat. I am going to presume that they really meant "wooden" boat, but then I know nothing about boats. If you want it, call dad, he's not going to give it to just anyone mind you - it's a "peice of woodwork art that is being lost".

Item 3: A plate. Yep folks that's right - one single plate for free. And it's out in Lexington. Go for it.

Item 4: A make out couch. Seriously, who didn't make out on a couch just like this in some party basement when they were a teenager. Yeah, right.

So now go forth and get free sh*t. And don't say I never give you anything.

Clay Aiken needs to wash his face

Check out the lovely pictures of Clay Aiken on PopSugar.com and tell me that he is not the gayest looking non-gay person you've seen in a while.

Seriously, he needs to stop saying he is not gay.

He needs to look a lot more like Tom Cruise for people to believe him when he says he's not.

He's wearing eyeliner for crying out loud!

Technology: It's a Miracle Really

Ok since no one leaves me comments, you can all now email me directly! Click on the profile link on the right and you will see a link to email me.

Do it ok.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Donkey Derby: A Stupid People Round-Up

Item 1: If you are stupid to begin with, smoking pot will only make you more so.

Like poor dumb Daniel Paul Steinbach. He got high, then went out into the street and flagged down the po-po. Waved them on over and asked to be taken to a house on a hill. The police gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked him if he was on medication, to which he said no, he'd been smoking marijuana.

Only people who are high will seek out the police and say dumb sh*t like that.

Item 2: Gay toddler buys pink Nissan

That just so speaks for itself. And I will only add that I do think that Mommy has some 'splaining to do.

Item 3: PETA vs. Six Flags vs. Hissing Cockroaches

There are three donkeys in this situation.

One is PETA, which we all know really stands for People Eating Tasty Animals.

Two is Six Flags for having the worst ad campaigns ever - cockroach eating? Really? And who remembers that weird bald/glasses pervert in a suit who was the spokesman for while? Ick!

And three is any one who eats a cockroach to get into an amusement park for free.

Item 4: Man with Hatchet vs. Alligator.... In MICHIGAN

Who puts a hatchet into the head of an alligator? Apparently crazy people do. This fellow was given an alligator to look after and decided to slay the beast instead of taking it with him when he moved.

I was pretty moved by this article, because that's an awful thing to do to an alligator. But I was struck by one thing, one glaring thing: what they hell was an alligator doing in friggin' MICHIGAN.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

You win some, you lose some, but since 2002 you don't lose back-to-back.

GO PATS.

This weekend sees them in Cincinnati.

I am on the fence about this game. Of the past five regular season games versus the Bengals, the Pats have only lost one (2001 season opener at Cincy).

But then again something seems off about the team this year, a little post-Branch wobble or something. And while they haven't lost two games in a row since December '02, they are playing at the Bengals, not in Foxboro where the home team fans are outta control.

I am going to be watching this game like I watch slasher flicks: on mute with my hands over my eyes.

Monday, September 25, 2006

How I know this is an allergy and not a cold.

I know I am not sick, this is an allergy.

How do I know?

Well all I want is a bottle of Bailey's and I can't stop singing Bay City Rollers.

S-A-T-U-R--D-A-Y NIGHT!

If I was just sick I would be in bed saying "f************ck you!!!!!!!!!"

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Why YOUR vote counts - even if it's JUST a primary.

Because when you don't vote, people like Dianne Wilkerson end up on the ballot!!! W.T.F. people - take responsibility - VOTE!

Or in this case, STICKER!

Dianne Wilkerson started off fine, but like so many before her got sucked into the wormhole of Boston politics. She and her kids and their friends are one lottery fixing incident away from becoming the next Bulger clan.

Check out her campaign finance report online, it's interesting.

- Within eight months she reimbursed herself $28,200.

- Within SIX months she paid her son Kendall Wayne $19,620 ($3,270 per month) for consultant fees and reimbursed him $1745 for stamps and stuff. Even though she later had to buy $1361.88 MORE stamps from the US Post Office.

- Within three months she paid One United Bank $611 in "Uncollected Funds Charge" fees. Although $430 of that are "Insufficient Funds" fees to Comcast.

She's had campaign reimbursement issues in the past so it's not a random pick on Dianne event. It just makes me nuts when someone is so ethically challenged and takes her election for granted. The public she is supposed to work for needs someone who won't see them as low hanging fruit.

So if you don't vote in November you will get a kick in the ass from me personally.

Pick your own apples suckah!

I have to laugh.

Every single year I buy the most expensive apples ever.

This year it was $11 for a peck of apples at Honey Pot Hills. Did you know that a peck is roughly equal to 10-12 lbs of apples, or about 32 medium apples? Now you know.

I did not bring home that many apples this time. This year I only allowed myself to bring home as many as I will actually eat or cook. Not how many I think would look great artfully strewn about the kitchen a la Martha Stewart.

And a gallon of apple cider. Which according to Ennairda's mom will go "hard" if I leave it out under the porch to ferment. Which I've not yet had success with since I drink it way too fast (in a mug and in the micro for a minute, yum!!).

What makes me laugh is that the orchard grows the apples, and then get people to pay them $$$ to pick them for them!

And then there are the hordes to contend with at the "farmstand", which has now evolved into something more akin to a "farmsupermarket". However, the lure of the caramel apple, now called a carmel apple, or maybe a cider donut, is too great and so into the horde we push.

I mean really, if I went to Star Market and saw bags of apples for sale for $11 I'd be like "Are you sh*tting me!!! Get the f*ck out with those expensive apples!"

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I got a brand new boyfriend!

This week was the Steve Holy show at the Brewery Exchange in Lowell, MA. Bless his country-fried heart, he drove 22 hours straight from Nashville, going on stage about an hour late.

And even better there were only like 60 people at the whole show. Making it sort of a serenade, it was very cute. Believe me when I say it was special.

He did a hilarious imitation of Tim McGraw, changing the words "don't take the girl" to "don't shoot the squirrel" and using a cowboy hat to great dramatic effect. And of course waited until the very last minute to sing his hit "Brand New Girlfriend" in order to keep the audience in the building.

What I couldn't figure out though was that seeing as how he went on over an hour late, they had all that time to sort out the sound, yet when Steve went on, his mic didn't work. Curious.

And another thing - the Brewery Exchange is a fab place to see a show. They employ a small army of waitstaff to bring food and drink to you at your seat! So civilized!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Thank you pretty gay man!

Sunday night was the salon night out.

Hey, I am always ready for a good time so of course I went.

Except that I was tired and a little confused and in a hurry as usual. So I threw on some clothes and went to the restaurant where I thought we were meeting at 6.

I show up at 6:20.

But no one was there yet because then I realized that we were supposed to meet at 6:30. I chatted with the host for a minute and then went to go drive around the block a few times because it felt too weird to sit at a completely empty bar and drink alone.

As I was strolling out, a good looking fella in chef whites came running up after me" "Miss? Oh Miss!!"

And I (ever the optimist) turned around with a dazzling smile.

"Miss, you have a bunch of tags hanging off your back. It's like toilet paper on a shoe, it's just wrong not to say anything"

Yep. It was true. Sad.
But true.

Thanks Cap't Kenny

How much does a pirate charge for an ear of corn?










A buccaneer!







aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 18, 2006

If Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti Day, Tuesday must be Talk Like a Pirate Day!

It's true! It's true!

It cost me 15 cents to find out for sure down the Vineyard, but it was worth it.

Tuesday, September 19th is officially
International Talk Like a Pirate Day
.

Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!!!! Whooo hoo!!!

Check out the official website. They even include a section of pirate pick-up lines, with such gems like "That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!"

I think I am going to try that one out at the Steve Holy show on Wednesday night.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!!!!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

It's not Comcastic - it's Comcastinks

Can I just tell you that I hate Comcast cable?

It never works properly. The customer service people don't know their ass from their elbow. They usually can't help you over the phone so they have to send out a tech who won't even come by if you don't answer the phone before they show up and when they do are either more helpful than you can imagine, or no help at all.

It Saturday night. I just want to stay in and watch a little tv in my pj's.

How hard could that be?

I am so switching cable providers.

Any suggestions?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

2006 Annual Turkey Shoot

A few years back I got obsessed with finding the best tasting turkey EVER since supermarket turkey tastes like chicken to me and you can't eat the neck because of all the hormones and antibiotics they inject via the neck.

I tried them all: brined, kosher, smoked, fried, spatchcocked, flavor-injected, spice-rubbed, cooked at very high heat (hellooo fireman!), cooked in a woodstove, cooked at a low heat, braised, boiled....

Anyway, you get the idea.

Lots of places offered gourmet, organic, free-range, heirloom turkey but I didn't want to pay $5 a pound for something I'd have to mail order anyway.

I found myself turning to GoogleGenie and found the Diemand Farm out in western Massachusetts. And holy crap they have the best turkey I have ever tasted.

Driving out there the first time was an adventure. The farm is out in the back of beyond, in Deliverance country so I kept the car doors locked. But once we got there it was well worth it. Not only do they sell turkey (which needs to be pre-ordered because they process everything by hand - no bleach!) but they have the best devilled eggs and turkey pot pies.

Grandpa, Kimaaaaaay, and I now go each year on what we call "The Turkey Shoot" to pick up Thanksgiving turkeys.

And if you want to order one, and you live in the Boston area, we'll pick yours up too!

Gobble, gobble!


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

For Sale

OH MY GOD WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THE WHITE NISSAN PICK-UP TRUCK???

It's not that old.
Drives fine.
It's white.
Manual transmission.

C'mon you know you want toooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Just do it.

My Guilty Pleasure

I have a number of guilty pleasures and one among them is the show Bridezillas.

It's a fact that just about all women have a little Bridezilla in them, even if their bridesmaids, sisters, and mothers swear BLIND that their hissy fits are totally justified.

Eh, that's what your friends and family do for you, they lie to make you feel better.
(Although I personally have never had to lie to any of my bride-friends evah, I sweah!)

But there is nothing more car-crash thrilling than watching a grown woman melt down into a puddle of tears, mascara, and f-bombs over a less than perfect corsage for the ring bearer. And their weddings always look SO tacky for all the bitching and moaning that goes on.

Ahhhh, the bleep-bleep-bleeping of a cranked Bridezilla! Certainly scratches that itch anyway.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Patriots 19 - Bills 17

That was a close one.

They were awfully lucky to squeak that one out.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

HessFesst Aught-Six

In case you were wondering why there hasn't been a post in four days, it's because I've been away.

At a party called Hess Fest, hosted by Mad Mahk on Maaatha's Vineyahd.

Until the alcohol induced swelling in my cranium goes down, here is the condensed version:

1. I saw my 8th grade English teacher, Mr. Palmer, at the liquor store. I haven't seen him since 8th grade. It was a unique moment really.

2. A baby keg (a keglette really) is called a "gurkle" which is short for "gurkleheimer".

3. Even though it is September, you should still apply SPF liberally when hanging out at the beach.

4. Clamming is really much easier in a bathing suit. Yeah Maaaahk I should have listened to you! But still it was a blast.

5. It's fun to temporarily tattoo little kids with skull and crossed bats logos. No one messes with them at the beach and I am pretty sure no one will be f*cking with them at daycare either.

6. Everyone likes a pirate. Aaaaaaaaahhhhrrrrrrrgggggggg!!!!!!!!!!

7. Drinking beer by lying on a table and having someone hold a beer keg tap open above your mouth seems like good idea for the first 10 seconds or so.

8. Setting up the slip n' slide on the front porch at night is a great way to meet the Oak Bluffs police.

9. Chatting up the nice policewoman while stroking your hairy, sudsy, chest is a great way to get rid of the Oak Bluffs police.

10. A smaller funnel works better than a bigger funnel when constructing a funnelator to launch corn cobs into the trees.

11. When playing Beano, a little more loft and a little less forward is crucial to landing on the board.

12. Next year I absolutely cannot forget the potato gun.

And for those of you who know where a pearl comes from, I will see you on the back porch of the Big House next year. Bring your own hook b*tches!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

$100 million? Check is in the mail!

The John Hancock Tower is for sale.
Hopefully it'll go onto Ebay with a low reserve.

The property package is composed of about 3 million square feet of space - the tower, One Beacon Street, 200 Clarendon, and parking for about 2000 cars.

The tower is about 60 floors tall and boasts amazing city views from, um, about every single window.

Oh yeah - you could totally use the word "stunning" to describe this property.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I know because I am one.

Please, for the love of Tom Brady, PLEASE realtors, salespeople, and brokers:

STOP USING THE FOLLOWING WORD TO DESCRIBE REAL ESTATE:

Stunning

Seriously. It is stunning how annoying that word is!
On craigslist alone there were 319 listings that used that word.

I get it that stunning can be defined as "strikingly beautiful" but that just means that of those 319 ads which use the damn word, 318 of them are using it incorrectly.

Sorry but there is no way that this "brick front home" in Revere is stunning.

W.TF? It's not stunning!


IT'S NOT STUNNING!!!

Bungalow 8 - My Kind of Club

If I were the sort who frequented those kinds of places, I would SO go to Bungalow 8 in New York.

Because they denied Paris Hilton!! Ahhhh hahahahahahah!!!!

Not even being with P.Diddy Doody could help her.

Actually I don't think anything can help Paris.
Or her hatchet-shaped head.

Ick.

She is one mimosa away from turning into Tara Reid.

It's cheap for a reason.

The Fung Wah bus charges $10 bucks to cart yer arse from Boston to New York.

But for $10 bucks there is no guarantee that they will get you there in one piece.

Check it out: Fung Wah Flipparoo!

No wonder they can get you there in about 45 minutes. Turns out they drive about 175 miles per hour, not even slowing down when the engine catches fire or on exit ramps.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Country show round up - yeeee hawwwww!

Ok, so far this year I have been to, and thoroughly enjoyed, the following shows:

George Strait
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
Kenny Chesney
Toby Keith

I have about 6 friends who like country music and this post is for them.
The rest of you can go back to your Scissor Sisters and your Barry Manilow.

For pure old school the George Strait show was excellent. It was a fairly formulaic show, he had four microphones set up on a square stage and sang a song at each. He wasn't to interested in engaging in small talk with the audience but the performance was solid. For an older fellow he still has that sexy cowboy way about him, and all the older ladies in the crowd went about as wild as they were going to go without actually standing up.

This was the third time I have seen Tim McGraw in concert and everytime it's been with my good friend Kimmaaaaayyyyy. Who practically faints when Tim comes out on stage. So really at this stage I go mostly to splash cold water on her face. The Faith and Tim show was excellent. It was well-scripted and they are clearly made for each other and it was impossible not to leave in a great mood. We were seated so close to the stage it felt like we could reach out and pat the two-eggs-in-a-hankie ass that Tim packs into those tight jeans of his. Heeeee hawwwww!!!!

Easily one of the more fun things I got up to this summer was tailgating at the Kenny Chesney/99.5 WKLB Country Festival at Gillette Stadium. From the girl dancing on top of the truck flashing her hillbilly hooters to the parking lot to Ryan's famous steak tips I had a blast. There were a few acts before big gay Kenny came on, but the only one that was a standout was Big & Rich who electrified the audience as usual. I am waiting for them to do their own tour, that will be quite a show! Sadly they were followed by a lackluster Gretchen Wilson who was the last one before Kenny. He loves performing in Boston and it shows. Not only does he spend time in Boston, but his show brought in $4 million dollars in one day, a record at Gillette. Not even the Rolling Stones hit that high water mark.

And finally Toby Keith. Now that show is ALL rock and country. This show was at the Tweeter Center and I got to enjoy Steve Holy on the second stage (he is a great performer, and will be in Lowell on September 20th). Then we went into the Toby show which kicked off with him firing off a blast from a cannon(?) that shot out Toby-dollars. Scared the crap outta me though. He played all the songs I wanted to hear and then some. He also loves playing New England and we were all sure glad to see him. Too bad about the stupid drunk kids in front of us, one of whom kept awkwardly trying to kiss his buddy before throwing up on the row in front of him. But it was fun to watch.

So cowboys and girls, that's the country concert round up as it stands so far. Hopefully I can get in one or two more before the year is out. Maybe Steve Holy, hopefully Big & Rich....

Like the tee shirt says: sorry cowboy, in my corral, 8 seconds ain't no ride!

5 days, 14 hours, 42 minutes and 2 seconds

Until the Pats-Bills game.

Whoo hoo!!

Can you believe it is already September!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Oh dear.

I am watching the MTV Video Music Awards and all I can say is who?

Half the clips have me thinking: they sing that? huh!

I feel totally out of it.

Wow - it's posting #200! whoo hoo!!

Anyway, guess what?

The SatanMobile (which magically healed itself) has a crush.

Yep, it's a fact - the SatanMobile has a crush on a dark red Toyota Tacoma pick up truck.

I am currently temping at a local sports station and everytime I park in the front lot the SatanMobile autopilot parks next to the Tacoma.

Even if the Tacoma is parked all by itself at the far end of the lot.

It's getting to be a little embarassing for me. I am nervous that there might be an unfortunate fender-humping incident one of these days.

Anyone in the market for a horny, permanently heated, Volvo wagon with 207K miles and two owners?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Holy Barf-ah-roni!

Yuck, yuck, yuck, and more yuck.

Did you know that there is more than one Extreme Makeover show?

I turned on the tv and the index said "Extreme Makeover" and I totally thought it was Extreme Home Makeover.

But then suddenly there was this man burning this woman's face and then wiping off the dead skin and she'd PAID him to do this to her! Before I could change the channel he'd made an incision near her boobie and was wiggling his finger in and around to make room for an implant.

BLECCH!!!!!

Gahhh, barfola!

What the?!?! Who the!?!?!? Are you high?

I read two newspapers, the Boston Herald and the Boston Globe because it's good to have balance.

(In Boston there are those who swear that the Globe is for bleeding heart over-the-river liberals with their heads up their asses, and others who swear that the Herald is for those Masshole retaahds who spend half their day screaming at the car radio during drive-time talk shows.)

Anyway, today the Herald is covering an incident which took place at the Ella Baker House. It would seem that a teenage girl was raped by an employee and rather than call police or DSS immediately, the person who founded the center, Reverend Eugene Rivers, preferred instead to call the mother and have a meeting to discuss the incident and to pray.

It would seem that the rapist/employee (who is 32) originally paid the girl for sex and when she decided to end or change the arrangement, he forced her.

This hardly seems like the safe haven for troubled teenagers that it is supposed to be. There is a reason adults are not allowed to have sex with minors. If he is 32 and she is 15, is that less worse than 30 and 13, or 28 and 11, or 23 and 6?

So the end result is that a crime was committed. Not a misunderstanding, not an accident, not a mistake - a crime. And crime gets reported to the police.

Can you imagine how this summer would have been if instead of reporting homicides to the police, people got together to discuss the crime, to pray about it instead of dialling 9-1-1?

It's bad enough that the Ella Baker House, which is supposed to be a haven for kids living in high-crime neighborhoods, is instead a place that takes hundreds of thousands of dollars from the city and state and then thinks they are above the law?

Some people will think that the victim is lying. Some people will think that the victim is truthful.

But it's never a good idea to take the law into your own hands. If a teenager says she was raped by a staff member, call the cops. Don't put the employee on administrative leave while you sort out the details and then counsel the victim yourself.

And if you don't read the Herald, here is the article from the Globe (Boston.com).

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Birds on Crack

Some of you may remember an old post here on the 'rag about how I started feeding birds in my backyard.

Did you know that once you start feeding them you can't stop? You literally cannot stop, ever.

People say elephants have a long memory, but it's NOTHING compared to the memory of a sparrow.

So now I am committed to about 10 pounds of birdseed and two suet blocks a week to the swarm of birds that have set up camp in the trees in my backyard.

It's ridiculous.

Today I pulled up and there were about forty pissed off and soaking wet birds perched in my forsythia bush waiting for me to refill the feeder.

They were like "Muthaf*ckah! Where's my fix bi*ch!!".

Sort of I don't blame them - who'd want to peck a worm out of the dirt when some dumb blond is feeding you premium seed.

Hah!

NahNahNahNah! NahNahNahNah! HeyHeyHey! Goodbye!!!!

I love football. And I love my sister for taking me to last night's pre-season Pats game against the Redskins.

I had a f*cking BLAST!!!!

We got there in time to watch the Redskins run out onto the field. (Booooooooooooo!!!!) and then the Patriots came a'running out (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!)

Oh yeah and when we got to our seats, turns out we were sitting near a clot of Redskin fans (Boooooooooo!).

Tim, Mike, the big guy, the old guy, and the kid. They were fun, in a drunken Redskin fan at Gillette sort of way, except for the kid - he was sober.

Although curiously enough, Tim the Redskins fan, kept flicking me in the face. Not in a painful way, but in an awkward "stop touching my face way". And um then there was the bird-flipping, he kept flipping me the bird and then I'd flip him the bird, and then he'd flip me the bird, and so on. Highly amusing!

What you don't get on tv is the announcer saying "And that's ANOTHER Patriots...." and the fans all scream "FIRST DOWN!!!!!!!!!"

I love that. (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

Another thing they don't show on tv are the militia men who stand at the endzones and fire off muskets when the Patriots score. Thrilling stuff!!

Well now I am addicted. I CANNOT wait until the next time I can get to a game.

Oh yeah, and before I forget, thanks to the guy who sat next to my sis during the second quarter who kept up a steady stream of instructions to the team (Hit HIMMMM!!!! HIIIIT HIMMM!!! HITTTT HIMM ANNYYYYWAYYY!!!!!!). That's how it's done and we had a great laugh sitting with you!

Oh yeah and one LAST thing.... as it turns out they put the number for the Patriot Cheerleaders in the game day program and we got Tim the Redskins fan to call. I wonder if he'll ever hear back.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Bad bad boy, you get what you deserve.

While the jury wasn't convinced it was racially motivated, the judge sure saw what was before him!

Josiah Spaulding the Third was sentenced today for beating two black girls at a train station.

He didn't get prison time mind you. And yes, at first that concerned me too.

But then I read the part about the judge sentencing him to, among other things, having his Nazi tattoos removed.

I saw this guy at court when I was on jury duty and I will tell you that a) he looks like a complete dork and b) he had to wear his shirt collar buttoned all the way up to cover up those tattoos!

He is going to wish he got prison time.

You can look for yourself at the different types of removal methods (http://www.patient-info.com/tattoo.htm). I caution you - it's gross. It's basically peeling skin off. Bleah!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Lindsay Lohan for Mayah!

Politicians in Boston are something like celebrities.

They all start off so adorable and lovable and sweet.
And after a while they begin to believe their own hype.
And become enraptured with their own fabulousness.

It's, like, ohmigod, totally annoying!!


(Seriously, all politicians should be pushed out after three years.
After three years they all seem to turn to sh*t.
I'm just saying...)

You MUST be kidding me!

Gah!! The Mayah nevah ceases to surprise me.

Check out the cover of Wednesday's Boston Herald:

It makes me want to cry.

Mumbles takes a stroll through Dorchester and LO AND BEHOLD!!! a gunman goes racing by him, only TEN FEET AWAY from the Mayah.

How could he have missed!!!

No I am kidding sort of. But really, this smells like a four day old fish.

What kind of publicity stunt was that??

The Mayah goes for a bells n' whistles tour of one of the toughest neighborhoods in Boston, scene of many a crime and it just would look stupid if all he came away with were daisies and candy!

No.... I think someone on Team Menino thought this one up.

Read the article here.

And how is that for a stupid picture of Mumbles looking fierce!
Or pehaps dare I say, brazen?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Cafe Sua Part Deux







What you see here is a Vietnamese coffee maker. Or crack pipe. Whatever.

Anyway, you pop the lid off, pull out the filter, spoon in a few teaspoons of Cafe du Monde, screw the filter back in, set the whole unit on top of a cup, pour boiling water in the top, and wait.

In a few minutes you will have the most delicious cup of coffee. And like any true addict I take one hit and instantly want another. It's pretty remarkable that I am not up 24 hours a day.

The contraption costs about $3.
Cafe sua on demand, priceless!

A ha!

So finally the mystery of fantasy football has been revealed to me, courtesy of a fabulous cocktail waitress.

Now I have a new mystery to solve: Laguna Beach.

W.T.F? Is that a real show, a "real" show, or a reality show?

I am so confused.

But possibly I am getting a little addicted....


PS: You can look up my fantasy football team on CBS SportsLine. I call them the Roxbury Manglers. Go team!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Joke time AGAIN

This joke is courtesy of my bud Daphne.
Have fun in Florida b*tch!


@#$%^&%$#$%^&*^%$#%^&

I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because the last time I did it I'd ended up in the hospital awakening in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, IVs in both arms, a terrible headache and having lost 50 pounds.

I then proceeded to tell her that it was however a perfect diet. That the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.

--- I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. ---

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Because you AND Nek kept asking.

Hey Ennairda - since you and Nek and Lihp (because he happened to be there) were asking...

It's 620 days from the day I was born to the day my sister was born.

That's 1 year, 8 months, and ten days.
Or for you parents out there that's 19 months and 10 days.


Which is equal to about 53,568,000 seconds, or about 892,800 minutes, or around 14,880 hours. Give or take-ish.

Don't worry, these calculations were not done through the scientific genius of Annamath. Rather I used the time and date duration calculator.

I don't know why, but I like that calculator very much...

Turn the heat UP!


I am so not ready for the winter. I am solar-powered and the thought of cold and snow and raw and leafless trees is FLIPPING me out!

This was taken from my kitchen window.
Looking out over my backyard.

That's like four feet of drifted snow.
Gad!









Remind me again why I don't live in Hawaii?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

One Man's Trash...

Is another man's treasure!

First things first: Did you read the one about the guy who fell into a vat of chocolate last week? Yeah, he was stuck in a vat of melted chocolate and in order to get him out of the gooey muck they had to thin out the goo with cocoa butter.

I bet his girlfriend was THRILLED to see him later on that night!

Chocolate dipped boyfriend, they should all come like that.

Then the second item comes from Rob about a chocolate Virgin Mary.

Hmmmm.

It would seem that a gourmet chocolatier out near Hollywood found a chocolate Virgin Mary under a vat of chocolate.

I've seen the photos and personally I don't see it. At first glance I thought it looked more like an owl, or a falcon. But what the f*ck do I know.

Here is the link to the story and pics: Chocolate Virgin Mary