Wednesday, February 28, 2007

She had it, they had it, we had it, you had it, he had it...

Everyone I know has had IT.

The IT in question is the puking-pooping illness, which is believed to be the dreaded norovirus. I say dreaded because it involves spending much time in the crapper feeling, well, crappy.

I bet the sales of Purell are through the roof in this town. has the article here: Stomach Bug
I get a cramp just writing about it.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Major Big Boom

Because I can only shoot craps for so long, I went to visit the Atomic Testing Museum during my jaunt west.

Firstly, since atomic testing has long since stopped being a tourist attraction no one in Las Vegas has any interest in all things atomic. So no one really had a clue what I was talking about when I said that was where I was heading.

Secondly, it is a really interesting museum! Seriously.

It is extraordinary that this small slice of American history - so dangerous, complicated, fascinating - was engineered by brilliant minds and carried out by ordinary people and had such potential to destroy the entire planet.

I was lucky to be there with only a few others and I wound up getting a personal tour by a lovely gentleman named Dick who had grown up on a rural farm in Ohio, served in Korea, who then went to work at the Nevada Proving Grounds until it closed and who now enjoys his retirement by working as a security guard at the museum.

He was so interesting to talk to and I am lucky it was a slow day.

The top photo is the Trinity device, the first ever atomic test - New Mexico.
This second photo is the Ivy Mike device, detonated on the Enewetak Atoll in the South Pacific.

There was a gallery in the museum with an exhibit of photographs assembled by Michael Light of 100 tests. It's weird to look at the photos and think how lovely they are when you know that you are looking at a poisonous & destructive force.


At about that time I was ready for craps again.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Food Other People Eat

The one thing I love about where I am currently temping is that I get to check expense reports - a job that scratches my voyeristic itch.

I don't really care who the person is, if they like to rent XXX movies, or if they drink gallons of bourbon, or if they keep company with a sock monkey.

What I really find fascinating is what people eat when they are on the road.

There is one person who on one road trip ate burgers and chocolate malteds. I forgot that malteds still existed.

Another person only eats chicken and french fries. I've seen days of just chicken and french fries.

Then there is the donut eater. Nothing but donuts and coffee - breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

Don't worry, I don't associate people with the reports they turn in, but it's like when I used to work as a cashier at Star Market and I would be fascinated with the groceries of others.

And another thing, now I know that that there is a major difference between what people eat and what they say they eat!

I bet the Donut Eater would never cop to eating just donuts three meals in a row.

Monday, February 19, 2007

I know that it is 19 degrees out.

But if we were all in Ireland and it was 19 degrees that would be the equivalent of 66 Boston degrees.

And then we would all be eating '99s. YUM.

This is a '99:

But for a WAY better picture, click HERE.
(That is really how they are supposed to look, although I do like mine with a dribble of strawberry syrup)

Anyway, a million years ago when I lived in Ireland a 99 would solve a multitude of problems for me. I really could use on right now.

PS: I just noticed that 66 is 99 upside down! Interesting.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Who's Your Daddy?!?

I will confess that after the big Britney Shave & Tattoo-a-thon, the LAST celebrity scandal I ever expected to hear was that these two pointy-heads are allegedly expecting!!!!

I bet Gisele is THRILLED!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?

First Anna Nicole kicks it.

Then Britney shaves her head and goes to a tattoo parlor where she is described as being very unhappy, jittery, and tired of people touching her. (Maybe a tattoo wasn't the best thing to do to a person in that state of mind...)

Here is this young woman (25) with two kids, a soon-to-be-ex hubby, a predisposition toward taking off her clothes in nightclub, a preference for going commando and flashing her c-section to the paparazzi. Gee, I wonder why no one will leave her alone?

Quite frankly I think that the only reason she left rehab in Antigua is because the paparazzi were not hanging off the gate.

I am beginning to think that K-Fed left her, not the other way round.

Now I wouldn't be surprised if Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton took their relationship to the next level and had a commitment ceremony this summer in P-Town.

Or if Michael Jackson put his kids on tour this summer billed as "The Jackson 5.2"

Maybe we'll see Mary Kate cave in to the pressure to gain about 6 ounces and eat her sister Ashley in a fit of pique.

Surreality - coming soon to a tabloid near you!

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Opposite of Fun

In a couple of days I am heading to Vegas-Baby.

I love Vegas. To me it is like going to Pluto: completely alien from anything in my regular life. So yeah, I am pretty excited and I've been looking up things to do.

It's good to go with a plan to be a diligent tourist with goals of seeing crap, but the reality is that once I get there I am going plunk myself down by the pool (hopefully) with a three foot tall drink.

But back to "The Plan".

So far I have plans to go to In-and-Out Burger. This is the chain where every celebrity in Hollywood gets photographed by US Weekly when they are "eating". If it's good enough to faux-eat, it's good enough for me!

Then I would like to see the Atomic Testing Museum. I dunno why, but I am fascinated by the fact that people had to test a bomb that had the potential to wipe out the entire human race. Not only that but then people went to view this event. Extraordinary! And now here I am going to go to the museum about the bomb they had to test to make sure it really could annihilate everything.

Also I would love to swing by the Bellagio to see the Ansel Adams exhibit. His photography makes me want to live in a cabin in the wilderness. Granted I would last about a day seeing as how I am afraid of wildlife, but whatever.

But then I came across the thrill rides at the Stratosphere.

And that brings me to the title of this post. Those rides look like the OPPOSITE of fun to me.

First of all I don't like thrill rides.

I went out on a bad date this summer that involved a roller coaster and a ride ominously called the Psycho. Let's just say that a) I didn't so much scream like a girl (because, hey, I am one!) but rather like a panicked human screaming for dear life, and b) I spent waaaaay too much time trying to keep my belongings from succumbing to a massive and sudden dose of gravitational pull.

And then when I got off the ride I didn't think "oh how fun" but instead thought "who the f*ck would want to do that again?"

The rides at the Stratosphere are positioned about 900 feet off the ground. So you are lashed about on some metal container suspended over the Vegas strip? Really?

Oh hell no!

But yeah, that's about the gist of it.

To provide a frame of reference here, the Prudential is about 750 feet tall. Just the thought of that makes me a little barfy feeling.

The description for this "attraction" reads in part:

"Insanity-The Ride consists of an arm that extends out 64 feet over the edge of the Tower and will spin passengers at up to three 'G's.' As the ride spins faster and faster, the riders are propelled up to an angle of 70 degrees. Riders will experience the thrill of being flung over the edge of the Tower and literally facing downward at the City of Las Vegas below. The ride is programmable with various ride options. An unobstructed view of historic downtown Las Vegas rewards those riders brave enough to experience three 'G's' at a height of more than 900 feet."

I hope that face shields are provided as protection from the vomit that is sure to be propelled out of people who are suffering through 3 "G's" at a 70 degree angle!


Thursday, February 15, 2007

It's a varmint.

Sometimes I wonder if the greatest threat to our airlines isn't deadly less than 3 ounce containers of poison but our own dang selves.

I read today about an American Airlines flight that was diverted because of a stowaway squirrel.

Read what the spokesman had to say:

"You do not want a varmint up in the wiring areas and what-have-you on an airplane. You don't want anything up there," said John Hotard, spokesman for the Ft. Worth, Texas-based airline. He said pilots feared the animal would chewed through wiring or cause other problems.

"So, as a precaution, we diverted," Hotard said.

Firstly he used the word "varmint" - really is that the technical term? I dunno about that one.

But Mr. Hotard goes on to refer to all the wiring and all the equipment and operating components above the cockpit as "what-have-you".


I know that I am not an aeronautical genius but I would like to think that there is a more technical term for airline electronics than "what-have-you".

And secondly, if pilots hear a weird rustling sound in the cockpit and you are flying from Tokyo to Dallas over the Pacific, then DIVERT DIVERT DIVERT!

Because when the NTSB is sieving through the smithereens of a smashed up plane, they are not going to be looking for a squirrel.

And if you think that picture is funny, check 'em ALL out at the Sugar Bush Squirrel website.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Screw Y'All Deval

Back in November, compared to the frosty and patrician Kerry Healey, Deval Patrick seemed like the less crappy choice for governor.

Even if his campaign slogan was the mysterious: Together We Can

Which might mean Together We Can: ....Eat Cheese from a Can...... Do the Hokey Pokey........ Mess with Texas........ Drink Whiskey and Sing Shanties... who knows.

Anyway fortunately Boston is a two newspaper town, and we can now judge his first few months in office from two different points of view.

Currently the Boston Herald is reporting about all Gov'ner Deval's missteps, and there've been many. Firstly, he flies around the state in a helicopter (Together We Can Heat The World!) which as far as I can tell hasn't yet been picked up by the Boston Globe.

For the record, Deval is the Globe's Golden Boy. They aren't going to stoop to report on the high-flying Gov - unless of course her name was Governor Jane Swift. But then she was a Republican and you know how the Globe caaaaan't staaaaand those awful Republicans! (Together We Can Elect Someone We Prefer)

Then he appoints all his friends - which is typical of every governor (Together We Can Promote Each Other). But something about him reminds me of a guy who was an awful dork in high school and is now exacting some weird revenge and he has the whole Computer Club behind him.

Then he keeps a low profile, except for the whole Moonite/Aqua Teen/Terror scare thing, when he came out with Mumbles Menino to tell us all that we should all play nice. I am sure that in reality he must have sounded much more authoritative, but all the soundbites they used made him sound like a 14 year-old with testosterone issues. (Together We Can Go Through Puberty)

Both papers are reporting on his plans to limit employers access to the criminal records of applicants. This is a tough one - on the one hand people who've paid the penalty typically deserve to the chance to put that behind them. But that kind of societal forgiveness applies really only to petty criminals. If you knew that your co-worker was a convicted murderer or rapist would you be comfortable working late with them? How about introducing this person to your family? Yeah, that's a tough one huh.

I am curious to see what happens next. Without a doubt the Herald will be diligent in reporting all the f*ck-ups he makes, while the Globe will unfailingly cut him generous amounts of slack and the truth as usual will go unreported.

Happy Valentime's Day Everyone!

There are plenty of people out there who disparage Valentine's Day as a Hallmark holiday that applies only to love-birds, marrieds, couples, and so on.

Personally I see Valentine's Day as a day to think about all the people I love and to be happy that they are in my life. If you are reading this, it probably means you too.

Happy Valentines Day Good Lookin'!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Bubbles, Bubbles Everywhere.

I read an interesting article today on This Expansion Looks Familiar

It got me thinking about the various bubbles I've witnessed over the past couple of years.

Back in 1995-ish saw the start of the IPO craze.

Which started to gather steam at about the same time that everyone suddenly got electronic mail. It was right around the time that everyone finally threw out their Telex machines and switched from thermal fax paper to plain paper - no more curly faxes!

The IPO Influenza was great until everyone tried to cash in on it. Suddenly every jackass with access to a computer was setting up an E*Trade account and buying up wads of WorldCom and Enron stock.

Then there was the Antiques Roadshow explosion. It used to be that you would go to flea markets and to the Goodwill and buy crap for your crappy apartment for pennies.

Soon people started showing up on Antiques Roadshow with a brass pony they paid $2 for at the Goodwill just to find out that it was really a gold Tibetan warrior horse from the 6th century and worth about $48,000,000.

Martha Stewart helped fuel this frenzy by featuring in her magazine lovely flea market finds transformed into useful household objects. Suddenly chipped plates and paintings of woeful clowns went from a buck a piece to $50 bucks a pop. And we were being urged to hang that plate on the wall rather than actually use it.

(It's also important to note that Martha was eventually convicted of being a day trader jackass and served a little time)

With all these object d'art turning up at every yard sale, flea market, church sale, the next wave was the home buying craze. All this crap had to go somewhere!

At that time there were housing deals to be had for sure! People began fixing and flipping homes faster than a spatula at a pancake breakfast. However, like the IPO/stock market, the flipper market was quickly flooded with jackasses - buyers and sellers.

Now some people are waking up with a major homeowners hangover, in many cases compounded by interest only loans. And while lots of people are praying for a major market downturn so that they can finally buy something, it really just looks like the only places to be affected by a real estate bust are the crappy places that no one really wants anyway.

You see that trend in the stock market too.

I am noticing that things are coming full circle. It used to be that VW had the ads featuring geeks being clever and hip. Now it's Apple flogging their Mac in a similar fashion - only MUCH more annoying and not at all clever or hip.

I can't wait to see what comes next!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Will you be my Valentine?

One of my favorite artists ever is the one and only

*@*@ Kristin Mallery *@*@.

She is the person who sees hearts everywhere and what is not to love about someone who has that talent!

Check out her website for more fab photos: Hearts Happen

Currently her work is on display at the Red Dot Gallery in Dorchester and at the Boston Cheese Cellar in Roslindale.

Her cards are ideally suited to this time of year **wink**wink** however if you are so inclined she also does custom card orders.

Random Funny Sh*t

I am sort of trying to clean out my overflowing email in-box.

How's it going? Eh, not so much.

I keep coming across funny links people have sent me over time.

Like this one from it is a picture my Evil Twin sent me and I concur that a rabbit with a pancake on its head is pretty hilarious.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

My funny Valentine

The other night I had a very vivid dream that I was married to Rick Rubin.


I have no clue at all about this one at all.

Other than having "Brass Monkey" on my MP3 player, I have no real recollection as to how on earth he made his way into my subconscious.

But interestingly we have the same birthday, 10 years apart.

Fisticuffs - the Car Alarm Saga Continues

Ok so now the sign is gone* - ripped off by the owner I presume.

Who is now engaged in a shouting match with two other neighbors about the six tone alarm.

I don't think he is going to win this one.

In fact I think this may result in fisticuffs!

*see previous post.


The car alarm is STILL going off.

At least I am not the only pissed off person on the street.

Someone else has put a sign on the front windshield that reads:

"pls steal this car"

Dear Reader - It's been nice knowing you!

Currently there is a car outside of my house with a six tone alarm going off.

It's been going off for an hour and a half now.

In about six more tones I am going to out there and SMASH that alarm to death.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Knee Deep in the Hoopla

The other night - well the other ages ago night anyway - I was out with a few of my people including My Favorite Amy and Cheap Thrills Rob.

Let me just say that hanging out with My Favorite Amy and Cheap Thrills Rob is like smoking crack - one freebase hit is all you need to want more. I never laugh as much as I do when I hang out with them. In Shamrag speak that makes them "ohmigodf*ckin'funny!"

But anyway that particular night I mentioned that Starship's "We Built This City" was voted the worst song ever recorded by someone, probably on VH-1.

And indeed it is a super-sucky song.

So I mention this and Cheap Thrills Rob blurts out in a sort of sing-song "KNEE DEEP IN THE HOOPLA"

Ok, try saying that line out loud.

I realize that KDITH is the album title, as well as a line in the song, but it is just so totally ridiculous it makes me laugh like a five year old at a poop joke.

What brings this up now? Well this morning when my radio alarm went off, guess what the line of that song was playing?



*next time the Muddy Rudders play, I am SO requesting "We Built this City"!!!!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Two inches - better than no inches!

According to the balding weatherman on Channel 7 we've only had 2 inches of snow this entire winter.

Probably because it's been too freakin' cold to snow!

But it's better than the 100+ inches they got in upstate New York.


Anna Nicole Stuns a Nation. STUNS!

Far be it from me to mock the dead, but......

Can you believe all the attention that poor old Anna Nicole is generating?

It's as bizarre as her ramblings!
Have your seen the clip of her at a boxing match about a month ago? The one where they ask her what she thought of the match? Barely able to remain upright, her slow drawl reply was: Heeeeeeeeee kicccccccccked buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.

With the amount to coverage it's getting I am almost expecting Prezzie Bush to declare a month of mourning, give her a state funeral.

The nightly news began with coverage of her death last night and again tonight - the whole first five minutes were devoted to it. News anchors (with straight faces!!) have been referring to her as America's favorite Playboy Playmate.

I will admit that I was surprised to hear she died, but it was more of a "last person I would have thought of" kind of surprise.

In retrospect, and according to the E! True Hollywood Story, it seems like her life was a bit of a train wreck. And come to think of it, I am also surprised that Danny Bonaduce is still alive.


And now ZaZa Gabor's husband is saying that he was Anna's secret part-time lov-vah. (ew! ew! ew! ick! ick! ick!)

Oh for crying OUT LOUD! Could this saga get anymore Jerry Springer?

I dowdit.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

See you later alligator

When I moved to da 'hood back in 1998, the first person I met was Muriel, followed shortly after by her hubby Mr. T.

For some reason I could never call him by his first name.

Anyway, I am sad to say that Mr. T. passed away on January 31.

I am really going to miss seeing him on the street. He and Muriel have been married since forever, and you know he used to wash her car every sunny weekend and flirt like mad with anyone who got within 10 feet of him.

He used to go out on the town with Muriel in a suit he'd had since about 1968, all checks and shiny leather shoes. A real old school dude.

It would have been so nice to have had one last smile & wave from him.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

One thing I would never do voluntarily

I sort of love the first few weeks of American Idol - the audition phase.

It's a guilty pleasure to watch people make complete buffoons of themselves while trying to sing some random Celine Dion song.

Please, anyone who chooses a Celine Dion song just brings it on themselves!

But tonight they had two cousins audition. One guy went in and sang/butchered Amazing Grace, thanked the judges for their time, and then went to leave - clearly he knew he sucked.

And just before he got to the door he turned to the judges and said "I just have to do this for the cameras ok" and proceeded to pretend shout that he was pissed and of course the judges are all laughing at this.

So then his cousin went in and was all tough acting, but then he sang really well and made it through. It was pretty funny.

Ugh, I can only deal with this once a year.

Bye Bye SatanMobile

I hardly knew ye................

Sad as it is, the mighty blue SatanMobile is finally going to be towed away tomorrow.


I know that I really shouldn't be sad to see him go, but I have to admit I kinda am.

All the times in the summer when it was a 100 degrees out, stuck in X-way traffic, with the heat broken to ON....

Beinging so sweaty on the plush blue velour interior that you emerge from the car covered in blue fuzz looking like the Cookie Monster....

Strangers trying to give you beer on the highway out of pity...

Who wouldn't miss that?

Don't get me wrong, I love the Champagne Supernova.
But she'll never be the Satanmobile.

PS: the SatanMobile is being donated to WGBH in thanks for all those years of Sesame Street, Electric Company, and Zoom.

No more football for 7 more months.

Which must mean that it is almost summer!!!


Thursday, February 01, 2007

Why beans+humans=balmy winter!

It seems that scientists are just now coming around to saying that it might be possible that humans might possibly be the possible source of global warming.


Even I knew that and I f*cking failed science! Twice!