Saturday, December 17, 2005

Way to go 55 and 28 and 50 and 12 and....

Ok - I am thinking about starting up an entirely different blog for all things Patriots.

But until then, WHOO HOOO!

For the fourth time in five years the Patriots are the AFC Champs.

And before anyone says that football is not a real game, ask Chris Simms how it feels to be crushed six times, mostly by a 270lb (~19st.) linebacker named Willie McGinest.

Or how it feels to have had a stroke back in February 2005, and still be in the game like Tedy Bruschi.

Yeah, there is nothing like your team winning.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

That's my boy(s)

I am a Pats fan.

Ever since '86 when Buckner let the ball roll, I've been a Pats fan.

Everyone is telling me that the Pats are having a bad season, but that is crap.

I don't care if they go to the Superbowl or not. They beat the Bills 37-5 this afternoon.
At Buffalo. In the snow.


And no, I am not just a Mrs. Brady.
Steve Grogan was another great Patriots QB, but um he was like before my time.

Like I said: GO PATS!
Make Momma proud.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

We are definitely going to be hanging by our own petard!

Last night I had the unfortunate experience of having to drive my dearest friend to the airport right after a storm dumped a heap of crap on the city of Boston which ended right smack at rush friggin' hour.

It took approximately one hour and fifteen minutes to get TO the airport. From my house to the airport is about 5.5 miles, it should take oh, about ten minutes to get there.

The trip back (another hour) was worse, but only because I discovered at a critical moment that my severe lack of gas would probably prevent my safe return. Grr, airport ga$, grrrrrrr.


So as I was stuck on a thick sheet of ice, known as 93 South, I thought - thank gad this isn't an emergency evacuation!

Then I wondered, what the hell IS the evacuation plan for Boston anyway? I know that my family has a plan and that is to drive about a 140 miles north of Boston (which according to my bad math would take about three days of straight driving - figure 140 miles at about 2 miles per hour equals about 70 hours which if you drive round the clock ends up being about 3 days, I think).

According to the Boston Globe, my source for all things Menino, the Mayah has a plan to evacuate the city, one that "would get residents to safety in a catastrophe".

To that I say: BULLSH*T MISTAH MAYAH!!!!!!

First off, I didn't plan on driving to the airport. But when I tried to get a cab, there was not one single cab available in the entire city of Boston.

Then there was gridlock like you wouldn't believe. But that is because it is jokingly easy to get your license in the state of Massachusetts, and because there is ZERO traffic enforcement so people think it is totally normal to drive like a bunch of bozos.

Back to the Plan. The Plan calls for the following:

First off a "system of automated phone calls, bus evacuations and emergency shelters... designed to evacuate the city within hours." HA! Just try calling 1-800-23-Logan in an emergency. I think that the Massport budget calls for having approximately one employee manning the calls when the airport shuts down. And I think that they share that one employee with Aer Lingus.

Part of this plan is to figure out how to direct the bozos who will be driving out of the city in their Escalanches like demented Big Lot bargain shoppers.

"City workers have already begun installing 400 signs along evacuation routes to direct motorists to safety and brochures were being mailed to Boston's 280,000 households." Who the hell reads mail from the city? More Mumbles Menino crap telling homeowners what to do and when to do it? Yeah, riiiiiight, whateverrrrr....

And another thing, it's all well and good to tell us Bostonians what to do, but unless we evacuate East in a boat, we're gonna have to go through a heap of towns to the North, South, and West. I am pretty sure that Cambridge has their own wacky plan, and it probably involved closing all bridges over the Charles to keep the dirty hordes from overrunning Hahvad Yahd. I suspect that the plan for Snooty Newty involved barricading the exits off the Pike. Maybe the evacuation plan should be a state issued thing...

"Seventy-four schools and community centers would serve as emergency shelters for those who stay behind, and would double as staging centers for the busing of residents with no other means of transportation." Hopefully all the elderly and cripples have vehicles to get to the shelters, because good luck getting a cab!

"Police officers, tow trucks and gasoline tankers would be positioned along evacuation routes to keep traffic moving and avoid the gridlock that crippled the Houston area as Hurricane Rita bore down in September." Um yeah, this is retarded. If you've been to Houston you know that the highway system there is about 14 lanes in both directions. Here it averages at about 3 lanes. And our roadway engineers are so clever that they are now making it so that all the highway on ramps enter directly into a lane of traffic rather than into a merge lane. If you've ever tried to get on at Mass Ave since they re-did it, you know the kind of clusterfu*k I'm talking about.

"Residents would be notified of an evacuation by telephone using a new automated system designed to call up to 60,000 households per hour." And how are they going to know that the person they are calling speaks English, or who would understand to stay on the line for translation. Furthermore, I usually hang up on calls that start with dead air because only bill collectors and telemarketers start their calls with dead air.

"Menino had released a different evacuation plan earlier this year, but it was criticized as inadequate by his opponent in the November election, City Councilor Maura Hennigan. City police, fire, health and transportation officials were involved in the drafting of the new plan, which Menino said is subject to revision." Ahhhhh yes, it's true, like so much else Menino does, it was criticized. But thankfully this new plan involved people OTHER than the mayah.

"This is not a panacea," Menino said. "It's a plan we believe makes a lot of sense. The experts have looked at it and analyzed it and are satisfied this plan works."I've stated before that Boston is run by a bunch of retahds, so I am confident that the plan makes no sense whatsoever, and that it will not work. I am also positive that the Mayah would never use the word "panacea", because A) he could never pronounce it, and B) he doesn't know what it means.


Monday, December 05, 2005

Way to Score Darkie!

You may all remember my dear friend Lucky Hurley, Smubble Champ Extraordinaire.

It seems that she's up the pole thanks to Darkie O'Meara!

Way to go Darkie!

Baby Calamity Shazzaam is now about as big as a pickle:

Friday, December 02, 2005

Item No. 654 on the list of Things That Are Annoying

Listen up Hollywood-fancy-pants-marketing people.

Do not advertise movies in November that aren't coming out until the end of December.

The masses are easily confused. If we see forty two thousand trailers four months in advance, by the time the movie actually is released we sort of think that we saw it all ready.

Or we are sick to DEATH of the trailers and aren't going to see it just out of spite.

Besides, don't they know that we are an instant gratification society.

Just last night I saw an ad for a movie that looked kind of good, it put me in the mood to go to the movies, but then it turns out the movie isn't even coming out until December 23rd.

Probably December 2006 anyway.

And by then I won't be in the mood to go the movies anyway.



PS: It is equally annoying to watch movie trailers at the movies in December that advertise blockbusters due out in the summer. Dumb! Annoying!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Sucky celebs

I never ever thought I would ever get tired of celebrity shenanigans.

But holy crapola! Just even saying that makes me feel like I farted in church.

Celebrity ennui has settled across my brain like a fuzzy wet blanket, damn it!
(and yes, I know that I am not supposed have any interest whatsoever about celebs, but my brain requires some sort of mental candy, and quite frankly nothing quite satisfies my gray blob like the Enquirer or People or some other such pap, so back off bub!)

Among the things that have failed to interest me at all:

Nick & Jessica: Splitsville... well duh, only a blind & deaf retard didn't see that coming.

Kimberly & Tallin (who the f*ck are they again??): Started dating last Tuesday, got engaged Saturday, broke up yesterday. Whatever, ho-hum.

Paris Hilton (not the boy Paris): got a monkey-dog thingy, possibly ate a cornflake, consulted with a surgeon about correcting the awkwardly boxy shape of her head. Yeah, yeah, thrillaminute.

Kate n' Tom: Got a sonogram machine to flip out their destined-for-therapy fetus even more. That is friggin' creepy ok. That's not celebrity news, that's a skeleton that should be returned to the closet immediately.

Honestly, even VH-1's Best Week Ever can no longer hold my interest.
Ugh, there is a tear in the cosmic fabric. We need new celebrities.

Time to hose off Hollywood and start fresh.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Stupid Gaelg Vanninagh

So those in the know know how the name SHAMRAG came about.
Me, my Irish housemate, and her Irish friends were all sitting around playing a friendly, Heineken-driven game of Smubble and someone threw down "shamrag".

Shamrag, you know, is when your sex partner won't put out on more than one occasion in a month. Or acts like a raving looney toon for no apparent reason. Well, they are on the 'sham'rag.

This, plus other made up words, provided HOURS of amusement - helped in no small part by beer, because it IS true that alcohol makes shit funnier.

But guess what? Shamrag is a word.

A real word.

In friggin GAELIC

And it means friggin SHAMROCK

And not Ken Shamrock the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monday, November 14, 2005

With these Thai-vestite lovelies, its better to spit, not swallow

UPDATE: I forgot to include a link to the original story, my bad. I don't want anyone to think that I am clever enough to make this sh*t up. And since it was in the news, it must be true! Ok!

According to Thai police, tourists are being "hoodwinked" by certain creatures of the seamy

It would seem that these Thai-vestites are divesting tourist of their wallets and lordy knows what else by hiding sleeping tablets under their tongues then shooting them down the victims throat during make out sessions.


That seems hard to do.

a) you'd have to hide the tablet under the tongue for a certain amount of time so you'd run the risk of making your own bad self a little sleepy.

b) the logistics of shooting a tablet down someone's throat while making out with them without invoking at least some small gag-reflex is outside my realm of imagination. And therefore is one more reason why I am not a Thai transvestite.

So yeah next time you rascally tourists try to have it on with a Thai tranvestite, for the love of Haysoos remember:

SPIT, don't swallow

The Amish didn't even ask for it...

There is an interesting bit of news from Pennsylvania today. It seems that the Game Commission may allow the use of atlatls in time for the hunting season next year.

WTF is an atlatl you ask? Well I asked the same question.

An atlatl is a Stone Age weapon. It is basically a launching device to hurl a dart or spear.

Being the city-living-asphalt-loving kind of person I am, this for me is akin to okie noodling. I will never ever understand the allure of mucking about in chest high water and catching a mean old fish with your bare hands.

Using an atlatl to hunt game is just something I can't visualize. So I googled it. And actually, I think that it looks pretty easy to use. You hold the atlatl, pop a dart or spear in the holder, and when you're ready, you pull and fling the dart or spear forward. I am 100% sure that I would launch the darn thing directly into my foot.

Primitive Weapons
has a picture of a mullet-sporting gal dressed in a Hollywood Prehistoric outfit posing with an atlatl. Then scroll down to the bikini clad cartoon woman page turner. Well worth the misogynistic laugh.

Personally, I am hoping that the Game Commission here in Massachusetts brings back the high seas cutlass. Hunting with a cutlass while talking like a pirate seems like jolly fun, argh matey, wheres me parrot argh!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

One Fine Fruitcake

Easily the most maligned cake in the entire universe, a good fruitcake is actually really quite... good!

How do I know this? Because I made one and ate it and I thought it was darn good.

Monks like fruitcake: Monastery Fruitcake
There is a society to protect fruitcake: Fruitcake Society
Feel free to send me any and all unwanted fruitcake.

Just don't call me a fruitcake.
That would just be insulting.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

The best thing about Sunday...

is watching completely underrated movies like Loverboy.

Basically it is a movie about a pizza delivery boy who goes around dorking various bored California wives all in an effort to get his girlfriend back. All they have to do is order a pizza with extra anchovies.

Ok, well let me tell you, in Boston if you order a large anchovy pizza, that's exactly what you're gonna get. And another thing, the fellow delivering your pizza will look exactly NOTHING like the hothothot Patrick Dempsey. Plus he probably won't even speak English which confuses the issue even more.

I don't think I will be able to finish this pizza...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

November is Glue Month

Be careful where you sit, touch, lick, stand, lean, or otherwise make contact.

The Glue Guns are out.

One guy had his testicles glued to his abdomen by his now ex-girlfriend. He is suing for more than $30,000, though if you ask me this sounds a lot like a Casual Encounter!

Another fella was sat down to pee at a Home Depot and found himself firmly glued to the toilet seat. He is suing, however it sounds like he was more aggravated that no one came to his rescue as they thought he was kidding. Well, duh. It must have been his first visit to the mighty HD because anyone who has been there more than once knows that all HD Employees are contractually obligated to treat ALL customers like a joke. "You wan'a glue gun, well sure, that's row 2, no wait row 22, or wait no, row 32. Oh what tha f*ck, I dunno, ask that guy over there."

And just tonight I saw a guy walking down my street with a bit of brown paper bag stuck to his upper lip. And I KNOW that sh*t is glue-related.

So watch out, if it looks sticky or smells funky - get away.

Oh and yeah you're welcome!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Shameless Hot Dude Post

I can't help myself.

Jamie Foxx is HOT.

Jake Gyllennhaalalla looks like a Q-tip.

hoo raah

Monday, October 24, 2005

Posting your pee-pee on the Internet.

Now, I will be the first to admit out loud that I am totally addicted to Mr. Craigslists Casual Encounters.

I know for a FACT that my other friends are addicted too, but they don't have to fill blog pages so I will leave them be - for now.

ANYWAY, back to my original point. Did you know that people really are not shy about posting pictures of their bits and pieces online?

It reveals a side to Massachusetts that I was completely unaware of.

Some of the things that left a lasting impression (for better or worse I suppose):

1. You learn something new every day, and today that lesson was of the Cleveland Steamer sort. Personally I would NEVER let someone else crap on any part of my body because quite frankly, crap belongs in a toilet, or in a hole in the woods covered by leaves. However if YOU are curious about this exercise, there is someone on Casual Encounters to try this with.

2. About one in five of every pee-pee photo shows a peeper that points to the right. At first I thought that this was the work of one desperate poster, but upon closer inspection I have determined that there are quite a few wonky willys looking for action.

3. Like the regular Personal Ads, the folks of Casual Encounters have, for the most part, completely unreasonable expectations of what they think are going to get. In straight up ads everyone is looking for "hot" and "thin" and "funny", and for this you get drinks and maybe dinner. In Casual Encounters everyone is also looking for "hot" and "thin", although "funny" not so much, however instead of drinks and maybe dinner, you must be willing to perform a bewildering array of sexual hijinks with a total stranger. Hmmmmmmm, I dunno about this. I mean really, see #2.

And truly people are left alone to post all their wild, perverse, entertaining, intriguing, and wishful desires. Unlike the deranged denziens of Rants and Rave, the quirky folk of CE don't Re:re:RE:re;re:re:rE:re each other to death. It's the last place to live and let live in silent judgement.

Especially the guy who dresses up like a gladiator, quotes the movie Gladiator in his post, and can't decide between a JO or a LTR. Or the guy who poses with his pee-pee in one hand and surrounded by the messiest bedroom I have ever seen posted on the List. Jeez looweez, at least sweep all that crap under the bed! And ruffled wine colored curtains with a matching ruffley valance over a venetian blinds will NOT get you laid. I repeat, will NOT get you laid. Ever.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

If you were a teen in 1980 to 1989, you should be in therapy

I know that VH-1 is the primary source for reminding me of all the 80's crap I try to forget. However just recently I hit the trifecta of crap all by my lonesome!

I really cannot explain how this all came together for me, but somehow within the space of a few days it has finally become startling clear to me why so many people I know who came of age in the glorious 80's should be in some form of therapy.

The first clue was I found an old copy of Flowers in the Attic (1979)

The second was watching the movie Red Dawn (1984)

The third was watching the movie Blue Lagoon (1980)

The trifecta of crap.

Flowers in the Attic: This was a book about four middle class kids locked up in their grandparents attic by their mother and grandmother to conceal their existence from Grandfather.

Let me tell you right now - no one read this because they thought it was a classic of American literature.

They read it because the sister and the brother shagged.
And back in the 80's that was pretty titillating stuff.
Are kids these days even allowed to read it anymore?

Red Dawn: Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey pre-Dirty Dancing!
Charlie Sheen pre- Ferris Buellers Day Off!
Lea Thompson pre-Back to the Future!

Ahhh yes, the carefree & heady days of the Reagan "we begin bombing in five minutes" Administration! Red Dawn was this great movie about the Russian invasion of Colorado - easily the most landlocked state in the US.

And I am sure there was a reason for that, a reason that I missed because I was too busy fantasizing about bunking and hunkering down with a young Patrick Swayze. Hot! Hot! HOT!

Although for a long time I really wanted Jennifer Grey's light blue puffy parka.

Blue Lagoon: Oh this movie I saw at the WRONG time!

I saw this movie on channel 56, a hot bed in the 80's for Saturday afternoon trashy movies when I was a pre-teen and all hopped up on hormones.

Here is this movie about two kids stranded on an island who grow up into teens who bonk ALOT, as they should since they are played with vacuous perfection by Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins. So they are flirting and swimming (naked boy pee pee!!!) and bonking, when Brooke suddenly goes moody and headachy and hungry.

Guess who is going to have a baby. Yep, a baby. What the hell message is THAT to send?

The "having a baby" scene cracks me up now - picture a young Brooke Shields making odd grunts and groans while crouched under a tree at night, then after a couple of minutes of "ugh unnnngggghhhh" there comes the unmistakable wail of a newborn which I swear is preceded by a plopping-into-leaves noise. Come the next morning, teen Mom and teen Pop carry a very large and very clean baby back to their split level tiki hut.

At this point the bonking comes to an end (boo hoo!) and I don't remember the ending.

This really is just the tip of the iceberg of crud that is very dear to me for being the pap on which I was raised.

However to all my dear peers, I know for a fact all this messed us up. My proof? In grade school a classmate married her poster of Rick Springfield in a playground ceremony with like 9 attendants. Another classmate stole dimes to prank call "Jenny" from payphones, which I am sure would make Mr. Tuotone very happy. Though I am sure he would have preferred that she just mail him the dimes.

Sing it with me bitches: "wait six seven fyve three ohhh niy-e-eyenn! I gaadit I gaaditt!!!!"

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Not so smaht

Maybe you have heard about George and Jennifer Hyatte. They are the bozo husband and wife team who shot his way out of custody.

Seemingly while the hubby was being transferred, the little wifey showed up, began blasting away, killed one guard, injured the others, and off they went - to Motel 6.


You just shot up law enforcement! You should be camping in the WOODS, not in cheapo motels where the guy at the front desk can make a few bucks from turning your criminal asses in!

So dumb, they should be in the pokey for stupidity alone!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Baaaaaaaaad Advertising

I am of the school that all advertising is a load of crapola. Someone somewhere gets paid to invent ways to get a person to buy something by way of fancy sentence structure or by za-za-zoom commercials.

At this point who could really believe that two identical products could work differently simply for having different packaging. Politicians get elected the same way.

But anyway, currently Target is running an ad promoting their donation to a school in Arizona for homeless children. Probably some chucho in advertising thought "hmm, let's advertise our generous philanthropy in order to lull our customers into feeling relieved of their obligation to give to others, then they can come and spend that extra dollar in store!"

Walmart does this same b******t.

Charity for the sake of being charitable, please. Otherwise it is just tacky.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Boston is run by retahds

Example One: Resident Parking only.

Some transportation genius decided that rather than issue household visitor passes, it would be easier to assign about two spaces per street to vistor parking.


In an area with chronic parking woes, do you think that anyone is going to leave that space open for visitors?

Example Two: Rolling Parking Restrictions.

On my street signs appear on Tuesday that read "No Parking - Wed. Aug. 3 - 5"

On Friday, August 5, a piece of tape went up on the signs that said "No Parking - Mon Aug 8 & 9 & 10"

Today the signs have all been changed to "Aug 9 & 10 & 11".

Both sides of the street, for two blocks.

And no one can tell me why.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Where all de white wimmin at?

"What in the wide wide world of sports is goin' on over here? I hired you to get a little track laid, not to dance around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!"

Blazing Saddles.
Funniest f*&%ing movie I have ever seen.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Forget Ca-Noodling, try Oakie Noodling!

I wish I knew the kinds of people who wade chest deep into a lake and stick their duct-taped hands into catfish lairs, then grab the damn fish with their bare hands.

If I knew these kinds of people I would be out gigging and drinking instead of sweating and blogging.

What ELSE weighs in at 14 friggin' pounds?

A woman in Kentucky gave birth to a FOURTEEN baby.

Unlike the woman in Wisconsin last month who gave birth to a 13lb 12oz baby which they then nicknamed "Big Enchilada".

I shit you not.

Don't believe me, click this.

Quite frankly, it literally gives me a pain to think about it.

And it got me thinking: What else weighs 14 pounds?

A medium sized turkey.
A portable kyack
A bowling ball
A brown trout
A case of circus peanuts

Now would anyone want to birth any of the above?

I think not.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


Listen up you f**ing mo-ron!

If you are going to ask for a biscotti, and your first language is English, please, please, PLEASE, do not pronounce it as "biz-coaty".

It makes you sound like the completely pretentious f**ktard that you seem to be.

Or if you have to do it, do us a favor and pronounce everything else with that same stupid fakccent.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Bye bye Top Gun!

Of all the utterly inconsequential news items to hit the wire today was news that Tom Cruise popped the question to his child bride at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Up until this point I have really not given much attention to this relationship because I a) know neither person involved, and b) I don't care.

But now I can not stand the magnificent cheese fest any longer.

Tom Cruise was doing the nasty with Melissa Gilbert (of Little House on the Prairie fame) back in 1982. Katie was 4 at the time.

Then when Mr. Cruise married his first wife, Katie could have served as a flower girl, seeing as how she was nine at the time.

In interviews Miss. Holmes has admitted to having a poster of Mr. Cruise up on her wall as a teenager and wishing she would grow up and marry him.

Does this count as successful stalking?

Does this mean I still have a chance with Duran Duran?

I wonder how Ms. Kidman (38) is going to feel about Katie (26) playing stepmom to their kids.

Furthermore, the word "magnificent" as used by Mr. Cruise to describe Miss. Holmes or their relationship is an inappropriate choice of words. And troublesome, they have been dating for almost two months: neither Miss. Holmes or the Cruise-Holmes relationship is old enough to be "magnificent".

"Mid-life crisis" or "box office draw" would be entirely more appropriate in this situation.

And just so you know, if you Google "tom cruise magnificent" up pop a 168,000 references.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Don't trust scary wide eye people.


In case you have been residing in a bathtub full of gin for the past few months, let me introduce you to the lovely Jenny Wilbanks.

This is the woman who staged her own abduction to get out of dealing with her out of control wedding. She claimed to have been snatched by a carload of Hispanics and ravished all the way from Hokey Pokey to Honky Tonky.

There are soooooo many things I want to say on this subject, especially as this is the year of the endless wedding weekend summer. But I will blog about THAT special subject later.

At present I just want to point out that you cannot trust wide-eye scary people.

You're welcome!

More scary wide-eye people


If this man came to your door, holding "a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood" would you let him in?

Apparently you would if you were a US Customs agent.

They let THIS fellow in, with an apparent stab wound in his neck, carrying all this scary death crap (homemade sword!) - clearly they don't see Canadians as a very big threat even when they arrive carrying bloody chain saws.

Although he does look like the Runaway Bride.

Maybe they are related.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Holy crap, it's been a while.

And for those of you who are wondering what exactly in the Wide Wide World of Sports I have been doing all this time, sorry, I dunno myself.

Well I know that for part of my day I am sucked into reading Missed Connections on Craigslist. Which is more like Cracklist to me. Seriously.

Granted there are some seriously boring ones to get through, like:
"My boyfriend thinks my best friend is hot. I have a hangnail. Oh my god is that a hiku?"

Then there are the ones anyone can repond to, like:
"i saw you on the T & ur hottt!. email me!"

Of course there are the ones that make me curious for more, like:
"Thanks for locking me up in the broom closet. The fifty on the nightstand is for you."

So that's part of it anyway. And then there is an ad for the season five DVD of the Sopranos which has been playing here in anticipation of Father's Day which I keep watching for. The ad is comprised of scenes between Tony and his son. Hilariously the music for this little montage is "Best Friend" by Harry Nilsson. You know, the theme from The Courtship of Eddie's Father.

You know you want to sing it...

So go ahead, lyrics provided below:

People let me tell you ‘bout my best friend
He’s a warm-hearted person who’ll love me to the end
People let me tell you ‘bout my best friend
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up my down, my pride and joy

People let me tell you now he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talking man to man
Or whether we’re talking son to son

Cause he’s my best friend now

Sunday, April 03, 2005

No Smubble word today

Alas and alack.

Lucky Hurley has decided to depart our lovely shores for further & greener ones.

Hopefully Smubble words will be sent back shortly....

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Reasons to Watch Deadwood

First of all the language is foul, and cleverly strung together.
Especially the lines given to Calamity Jane.

I wanna dress up in chaps and dusters and wear a hat and call everyone mutherfuckninsunsof bitches and play cards and shoot up things with my gun.

It's Thug Life - Western Style.

Secondly, what other show will include a scene where the local heavy is so constipated that he has a whore wriggle her thumb up his bum in hopes of relief. Then have her give him a blow job.

And this is the scene where he then frustratedly tells the wench to "close up the ass flap" and I will admit I did NOT think he meant the back door to his Union suit.

Clearly, very authentic. And from what I can see, the writers throw everything in there, and any complaints - well hell, it's Deadwood, it's authentic!


Monday, March 14, 2005

The Emperor has no clothes on.

Maybe you have heard, or not, of the recent stock sell-off scandal at Biogen-Idec. There is an article about it in the Globe: click this

It would seem that some senior management team members sold off a bucket of stock just prior to announcing that one of their drugs for MS had proven fatal to a few patients.

Now the lead counsel for the company, Mr. Tom Bucknam, has resigned. But not before taking home $1.9 million from his stock sale.

Something in Denmark smells fishy to me here people.

How retarded does the senior management team think that their shareholders are, if they think that they aren't going to put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4?

If you had information that your stock was probably going to end up worth peanuts in a few days, don't tell me that you wouldn't sell it PRONTO.

And you know, it's always those Harbard/Yayle/Standferd MBA types who get into these kinds of shenanigans because most of them a.) think they are SO smart, and b.) need an awful lot of money to maintain a certain kind of lifestyle which include Land Rovers and soy lattes.

But of course everyone will feign complete innocence, profess their desire to comply fully with the SEC and then hope that the whole unpleasant business just floats on by. Then later they will congratulate themselves on being so very clever.

At least Mr. Bucknam will have $1.9 million to ease the trauma of having to resign in the wake of this scandal, although really - I think he should not be allowed to keep the money because quite frankly, he stole it.

Let me just say two things in the interest of full disclosure:
One: I used to work in the corporate communications department at Biogen and when I say "used to" I mean I left in '98. I know from the inside that it is all a load of b.s.
Two: If a company makes a drug that can help seriously ill people, it should be the patients choice to take it or not, provided that they are informed of all the risks.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Things that make you poop.

Ok you silent masses - what makes you poop?

My own craptasticlist:

1. Coffee that my mom makes - it's the extra fine grind.
2. Chinese food.
3. Honey dipped donuts.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

This is why you make nachos with Velveeta

Interestingly enough an article about a nude man covered in nachos was one of's top 20 most emailed articles.

Nacho, nacho maaaaaaaaan. I wanna be a nacho man!

I am totally intrigued by a nude man covered in nachos, which is why I emailed the article to myself.

It would seem that a Mr. Michael David Monn of Maryville, Tennessee decided to treat himself to a wild night of vodka and snacks, which he stole from the snack shack at the local pool.

Not content to merely consume the booze and contraband party mix, but he also decided that they would be best enjoyed in the butt nekkid.

How klassy!

Clearly this was no ordinary night, in fact, this was Mr. Monn's 23rd birthday.

I guess that would be as good a reason as any to get covered in nachos.

"A police officer found Monn that morning in the parking lot of the pool facility after Monn had apparently scaled an 8-foot-tall fence and was seen running toward a Jeep with a box of stolen snacks and a container of nacho cheese.

In addition to being naked, Monn had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders, police said. He also had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."

I wonder if he had a strong odor of cheese about him as well.

"In his Jeep, Maryville officers found clothing and an open bottle of vodka."

Well, duh - he was drunk and naked, how do you think he got that way?!

But seriously, how many of you would love the walking nacho platter. Especially when you are sitting around drinking vodka.

Don't lie to me.

I know you want to try it.

Just don't do it in public, naked, blind drunk, and during daylight hours.

Monday, February 28, 2005

If you can't live on 100K, I'll take it.

Wah wah wah. $100,000 isn't what it used to be.

According to this hilarious Nyuk Times article, $100K is so low brow that even the harmless $100,000 candy bar has now become the 100 GRAND candy bar.

I don't live in New York, I live in Boston. Everyone tells me how expensive Boston is and quite honestly it seems preferable to be poor and only making $100K in New York than to be poor and only making $100K in Boston, but poor in this case is relative.

Really, really, relative.

I don't make anything close to $100K and if any of my friends do they are hiding it well indeed. But if Patricia Belden is to be believed, then I am practically a pauper.

"When Patricia Belden, a 39-year-old developer of affordable housing in Boston, was a student at Cornell University in the mid-80's, she dreamed of a six-figure income. "I would be satisfied with the life that would buy," she recalled thinking. Ms. Belden passed that milestone and is not complaining. But when she and her husband, a violin maker, recently shopped for a home in Boston for themselves and their newborn son, they settled for a loft in the city's trendy South End.

Sounds chic, Ms. Belden allowed, except the family has subdivided a space the size of a large studio into a three-bedroom apartment, what she calls "a ranch house in the sky."

The couple's big extravagance was a permanent parking space for $20,000. "My father told me, 'Honey, don't worry, we paid $20,000 for our first parking space,' " Ms. Belden said. "But it came with a house and a garage."

You don't "settle" for a loft in the city, you "choose" to live in a trendy area. And quite frankly Ms. Belden should be embarassed to "allow" that it sounds chic. It is chic. The South End has become the most obnoxiously self-absorbed neighborhood in all of Boston. Honestly, who on earth needs a million dollar floor through apartment, or for that matter a Land Rover in the city. Please.

It's ridiculous enough that Ms. Belden is an affordable housing planner who split up the space the "size of a large studio" into a three bedroom apartment, but I want to know where she got a parking space for $20K. I think that it was probably closer to $40K.

I wonder if Ms. Belden knows that a few blocks over on the wrong side of Mass Ave she could get a whole house for half what she paid for her ranch in the sky. I bet her $100,00o would go twice as far.

So if there is anyone out there reading this who has a hundred grand they can't live on, please, send it my way and I can show you how to make it last for at least three and a half years.

Friday, February 25, 2005

J'adore ces politiciens crétins!

I am glad to see that every country in the entire world has their share of Tycoesque politicians.

From the New York Times:

"Paris, Feb. 26 - Finance Minister Hervé Gaymard resigned today after 12 weeks on the job following revelations that he and his family were renting an $18,470-a-month luxury apartment in Paris paid for by the state.

"I am aware of having committed blunders and in the first place a serious error of judgment concerning the condition of my official residence," Mr. Gaymard said in a statement, reiterating his pledge to pay back the government for renovations and other costs."

Hmm, he is "aware of having committed blunders".

Please note that he's been on the job for only 12 weeks and has already accrued costs for renovations.


"Mr. Gaymard, 44, and his wife, Clara, 45, France's ambassador-at-large to attract foreign investment, broke no laws in choosing a 6,500-square-foot duplex apartment close to the Elyseé Palace that would accommodate them and their eight children."

So that's 10 people at 6,500 sf gives each of them 650 sf of personal space. Well that's like a reasonable studio apartment per person practically. Sheesh...

Pity the poor Interior Minister who lives with his family (5 total) in a mere 2,100 sf. That's a cramped 420 sf per person.

Even the foreign Minister gets 430 sf per person for his family of five.

Oddly enough though the French take the defense of La Republique very seriously, as the Defense Minister is given a whopping 750 sf in which to splash out in.

However the Times does report that "she spends a considerable amount of time with a companion at his country house in Rueil Malmaison outside of Paris."

Putain! She gets to eat her cake and keeps one in the city too!

Oh mon dieu it gets better.

"In addition to the high rent, there was an additional $3,300 a month for maintenance and three parking spaces, $42,000 to renovate the apartment and the parking area and $16,000 for real estate fees."

But remember $42,000 bucks is only like €31,000 and in France that probably only gets you paint chips.

But then in a more worrisome statement, considering that he is the Finance Minister:

"Earlier, he had said that as someone who worked "120 hours a week," he hadn't had the time to check on the amount of the rent for the apartment."

Smells like merde to moi. First of all, you work in FRANCE! Those 120 hour weeks are compensated by like 17 weeks of vacation. And second of all what Finance Minister doesn't read the fine print? I mean c'mon really!


But just in case you feel a twinge of pity for the poor fella and his Partridge Family, keep this in mind:

"Paris is suffering from a severe housing shortage amid skyrocketing prices for both renters and buyers. The cost of the apartment is the equivalent of the annual minimum wage for a worker in France."

Not just that but:

"It turns out that Mr. Gaymard owns a 2,150-square-foot apartment on Boulevard St.-Michel in the heart of the Latin Quarter that he rents out for $3,000 a month."

I say, let them all squeeze in to that wee matchbox.

Customer Funny Ha Ha

I sweahtegad his last name is Shatraw.

I laughed so hard, I nearly sharted myself

Dood - your last name is probably the Saxon word for diarrhea.
No kidding.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Lucky Hurley's Smubble Word of the Day is:

Shart - an involuntary sphincter spasm that results in an unfortunate burst of fecal discharge into ones underpants. Usually occurs while trying to expel a regular fart. Often accompanied by a foul odor.

Screw you all, I'm suin'!

In a recent Boston Globe article, it was reported that Dr. Yousef Abou-Allaban, chairman of the board of the Islamic Society of Boston, filed a defamation suit against the local television station WFXT-TV. It would seem that an expose type piece was aired back in November '04 alleging that Dr. Abou-Allaban is linked to Al Qaeda via the Muslim Brotherhood, of which he is supposed to have been a member. I must have been asleep.


Are you kidding me?

Evidently the "investigative jwonolist" Michael Beaudet is named in the suit, which right there has me rolling my eyes. No offense to Mr. Beaudet, who seems like someone I'd love to chat up in a bar, but really - have you ever seen his "blow the lid off" pieces: he "blows the lid off" dating service scams, he sets his sights on state workers misbehavin'. Well anyway - never mind the quality of his reporting, consider the source - Fox 25. Duh. All news is baloney. It just depends on how it is served up to the masses. Some people believe what they read in the NYT because it is "seewious jwonolism". Some people believe what they read in the Boston Herald because they can read it on the T. Some people read the Weekly World News which is one damn funny read. But honestly, Fox News... like I said, you pick your news sources like you pick your nose - completely consciously.

Back to my point.

The good Dr.'s lawyer is seemingly encouraged by the jury that made the Boston Herald fork over $2 million smackeroos to a judge who was reportedly "too lenient". I guess he wasn't being so. But then again the man was a state judge and the Boston Herald alleged that he told a 14 year old rape victim to "get over it". Who wants to sit next to you at Thanksgiving after that? I guess a pair of millions redeems a few episodes of alleged verbal-rhea.

How ever the clincher can be found in the last two paragraphs of the article:

"In his suit, Abou-Allaban acknowledged that the Islamic Society of Boston's $22 million project to build a mosque and a cultural center "has generated some controversy." Last year, the organization made headlines when a group known as Citizens for Peace and Tolerance accused it of having connections to extremists. The group also faced accusations of anti-Semitism when it was found that a former director and current trustee had written articles that, among other things, called Jews the "murderers of prophets."

Officials at the center have formed a new board of directors, begun an outreach effort to other community and religious groups, and disavowed the writings that generated the charges of anti-Semitism. In December, the organization announced that it would carefully monitor teachers at the new center to ensure that extremism and bigotry was not being taught or preached there. "

You know what I think, I think the Jews should sue. I think that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I think that I should sue Al Jazeera for alleging that I am an infidel.

You know what else I think, I live right near the new mosque and I only just saw it the other day. So much for their outreach program.

Must be because I am Episcopalian.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Off Topic: Thongs aka G-Strings aka Bum Floss

Whoever designed thongs/g-strings/bum floss where the thong/string/floss part was constructed with beads/sequins/edging is an idiot who does NOT want to see someone sporting a thong/g-string/bum flosser.

Caution: The product you are about to enjoy may cause "jammy ring"

Self Help Bad, Harvard Good.

"The magazine includes a monthly self-help column by Dr. Beck, who has a doctorate from Harvard."
-- from the NYT article: A Mormon Daughter's Book Stirs a Storm by Edward Wyatt 2/24/05

So basically it is unfortunate that she has a monthly self help column in Oprahs magazine, but hey it's ok because Dr. Beck has a doctorate from Haah-vaahd.

Faaack yooo!

Buh Bye Asshat and Huggy Bear

Thanks for the endless supply of beah and rounds of Smubble.

Lucky thanks you, I thank you, and Hollywood Liquors will miss you most of all.

Once again: I'm with asshat.

Who forgot their stupid foreign ID for the second time and finally had to kick in the precious twenty that cost him so dearly the previous time?


Next time, just pay up bro!

Lucky Hurley's Smubble Word of the Day:

Jammy Ring: a particularly violent form of rashy ring that is characterized by an inflammation of small angry red pustules that form a yellow crust of pus before subsiding into a bumpy scarred mass. Often a symptom of turbo clap.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Nasty Pass

Cet village de N'est Pas, c'est un petit village en France.

No smut today.

Well not yet so far.

Let me pull a letter out of the silver bag and pour a little beah onto my brain.

Check back with me in about four hours.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Within the next dec-aade

we will put a man on the moooooooon.

Pick Up Line #4

There's a pretty lady..... hmmmm...
Let me wash my hands.

"I had to bury a festering cows stomach up in the woods, can I buy you a beah? No? Ok..."

Oooh, deres anodder one.....

"I just lit a deer carcass on fyeah, can I buy you a beah?"

Never fellate a pool cue

when a shark is trying for the corner pocket...

The asshat is with me.

Listen "Trixie" : If you can't afford to pay me twenty bucks to get your stupid fuckin' foreign ID back, know that I am going to embarass you in front of the bouncer...

This asshat is with me!

Cuán no Recoger a Mujeres Yer pues,

Usted ha sido ojo BALLIN' mí toda la noche.
¿ (Tengo?)
¿Yo le compro una bebida?
(Pues no)
Usted ha sido ojo BALLIN' mí toda la noche.
¿ (Tengo?)
¿Yo le compro una bebida?
(Pues no)
Usted ha sido ojo BALLIN' mí toda la noche.
¿ (Tengo?)
¿Yo le compro una bebida?
(Pues no)
Usted ha sido ojo BALLIN' mí toda la noche.
¿ (Tengo?)
¿Yo le compro una bebida?
(Pues no)
Usted ha sido ojo BALLIN' mí toda la noche.
¿ (Tengo?)
¿Yo le compro una bebida?
(pues no - JODE LEJOS)

How Not to Pick Up Women

Yer um, you've been eye BALLIN' me all night.
(I have?)
C'n I buy you a drink?
(um no)
Yer um, you've been eye BALLIN' me all night.
(I have?)
C'n I buy you a drink?
(um no)
Yer um, you've been eye BALLIN' me all night.
(I have?)
C'n I buy you a drink?
(um no)
Yer um, you've been eye BALLIN' me all night.
(I have?)
C'n I buy you a drink?
(um no)
Yer um, you've been eye BALLIN' me all night.
(I have?)
C'n I buy you a drink?
(um no)
Yer um, you've been eye BALLIN' me all night.
(I have?)
C'n I buy you a drink?
(um no - FUCK OFF)

Pick Up Line #3

C'mon baby, my mom is waiting outside.

Pick Up Line #2

I am a bad boy.

I am from Five Boro, and I am a bad boy.


Like Michael Jackson.

Let me rub my balls on your leg. But first I have to move my wallet to my back pocket.

Pick Up Line #1






Lucky Hurley's Smubble Word of the Day is:

turbo clap: a rampant form of gonorrhea, characterized by acute purulent discharge