Thanks for nothing Clint!

I went to Loudon on Sunday for the Sprint Cup race. Yep, I love NASCAR.

In the fantasy league I belong to we get to pick drivers once per season so the trick is to use your drivers wisely. You have to figure who performs best on which track, consider how well they are doing during the season, look at stats...  Yah, something like that.

Personally I have my own secret formula for picking a driver that involves glitter and unicorns and a couple of secret calculations and it worked awesome last year (I placed FIRST yah!!). This year, not so much. NASCAR changed up the points system so that sort of makes it tough to make significant headway. Oh well.

This weekend I picked Clint Bowyer and he was doing AWESOME until about lap 296 of 300 when he RAN OUT OF GAS.

WTF

Dude races cars for a living and doesn't know enough to gas up? Dumbo.

My almost first place finish evaporated into a 26th place finish. *Le sigh*

Well, the two chicks play-fighting in the parking lot after the race made up for it when one girl hooked her thumb into the waistband of the other girl's thong and pulled it up.... up.... up and over her head. YOUPAAAH!!!

(For those who aren't familiar with thongs and anatomy, the best way to describe it is taking a wire cheese slicer to a hunk o cheddar.)


The best part is when all the lines got blurred. The boyfriends of the two battlin' babes tried to breaking them up by dumping ice water on them, but there was something smoldering there that ice water wasn't going to put out. To this casual observer it looked more like foreplay than horseplay. What with the giggle and the underpants grabbing...

Then they starting pulling the shirts off, and for some reason modesty kicked in and they jumped up and drove off.

So there was that. And it kind of made up for the sh*tty finish.

Hmmm. I am not sure THAT is the reaction they were looking for....

Check out the "reaction" to Myra Kraft's passing on Boston.com today:

In case you can't read it:

I mean, considering how the actress Megan Fox allegedly got fired for comparing director Michael Bay to Hitler, it's kinda rude to post a link to a Megan Fox SexClip in reaction to the passing of a tireless fundraiser who also happened to be of the Jewish faith. 

Just goes to show you that people really will say things online that they wouldn't likely say face to face. I mean, I am pretty certain that DenboerMasakoAH wouldn't go to the funeral to sell porn to the Kraft family. 

Although when it comes to the nerve of some people, I've been wrong before.

Spiral thinking....

Sometimes I read about something and from there my thoughts spiral out to absurd extremes.

Like when I read about the last space shuttle launch. I thought about how small the astronauts are in comparison to space. And what is space? What is our place in it? Where does it end? And if I can't imagine an end to the universe, how small does that make me? Or an ant for that matter. Is the universe imaginary? And really, what is the meaning of time?

See? It's sh*t like this that typically spirals out of control right at bedtime.

Well, today's gem comes from this article: What's in your navel?

First of all, who isn't curious about what lurks in there. And second of all I am definitely going to be A LOT more diligent about washing it out from now on.

But then my thoughts spiraled out from there and I wound up comparing belly buttons to va-jay-jays.

Oh yes I did.

Let me explain. First of all it occurred to me that most people (I think most do) use the words "belly button". We say it without thinking - belly button, bellybutton, and it kind of rolls off the tongue without notice.

However when you stop to think about it, it's a ridiculous description. A belly........ button? I would understand it more if everyone had an "outie" but this is not the case and in any case navels don't resemble buttons.

This is a button:

This is a navel:

And this is what I am talking about:

If you push the hole left behind by the umbilical cord like a button, it feels weird. Try it and see. Push it like an elevator button. Now smell your finger. That stink means bacteria.

Back to the belly button. Since most people say belly button instead of navel, I thought what other euphemisms for body parts are commonly used? Ears, hair, head, face, lips, eyes, chin, legs, arms, elbows, hands, fingers... we say without hesitation. But then we say belly button instead of navel, vajayjay for vagina, and peeper for penis.

So what I want to know is when the navel got lumped with vagina and penis?

Thoughts?

Boooom goes the sidewalk....

Walked past an unseen fire that sent noxious smoke billowing out through a sidewalk grate today. A big cloud of smoke would billow out from a grate in the sidewalk after something Down There made a big BOOM.

This is why I hate walking over those sidewalk grates. You just never know when the smoke monster will start farting.

Smoke dies down.

Then another BOOM and more smoke

Then another lull before the next BOOM

View Larger Map

Ok so not as thrilling as a triffid with an erection, but those BOOMS were pretty scary sounding.

And how was YOUR commute?

Remember that plant from the other day......

This one here.

I was subsequently informed that it was a mullein plant, aka a "toilet paper planet" on account of its Charmin-like leaves.

But I still think it's a triffid.

Someone took the time to try and break it.

But it, uh, managed to stay erect.

And also, I have another word for this plant, and it's not "toilet paper plant"....

Nevermind Whitey, I wanna know where the Vermeer is...

I am convinced that with the arrest of James "Whitey" Bulger, there are several shady art collectors collectively crapping themselves right now.

In case you don't recall, back in 1990 the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum was burgled and several valuable paintings were stolen, a Vermeer among them.

The New York Times had this quote from a neighbor:

"Janus Goodwin, 61, said she visited them in the apartment. “When I would be invited in, he would always be lying on the sofa, watching TV,” she said. “He was very proud of his little art pieces, which were cheap knockoffs of Monet and Van Gogh.”

 Hmph. Maybe they weren't knockoffs after all.... My guess is he's been selling them off on an as needed basis. 

Can't wait to see how this all shakes out.

Birds of a rusty metal feather flock to....

the nearest street corner and smoke together because they are bok-bok-badass!

This is the chicken that I threatened to buy for the Evil twin and the BiL back in March:

But the Evil Twin kiboshed that idea faster than immediately.

See the thing is in our family we tend to buy sh*t we think is cool, but for other people, because typically it's stuff we don't actually want in our own home.

Anyway, I get an email from a friend with this link to check out: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

I read it and nearly pissed my pants because it is hysterically funny. And then I thought, damn, that chicken gets AROUND!

I predict that Big Rusty Chicken becomes the next hipster cool shiz, like PBR, belt buckles, and trucker caps.

Open air drug market? Didn't see that one coming.....

I am incredulous that none of the first 9 comments made reference to the location.

Usually apoplectic South Enders erupt in a frenzy of NIMBY-ism at the mere thought of lumping WeMa/EaMel* in with the SE. 

I mean, an open air drug market does not carry the same sort of cachet as an open air arty-farty mart.

Although, as a peripheral resident of this particular area, I am appreciative of the efforts made by the BPD, the DA's Office, and the people who live in the Lenox buildings to put a damper on the drug trade. It might not solve the problem, but it is infinitely better than indifference.

*And by WeMa/EaMel I mean: West of Mass Ave/East of Melnea Cass, aka, Lower Roxbury, aka South End, aka F*ck You It's Roxbury, aka, My Realtor SWORE This Was the South End, aka, Get the F*ck Out Yuppie Scum, aka, Fine You Can Have This Crack Riddled Dump A**hole....

Day of the Triffids?

I came upon this plant on my way to work today:

That is some mighty plant growing out of a crack in the sidewalk. Anyone know what it is? Because I am thinking triffid.