Monday, April 30, 2007

Thanks Evil Twin

I just have to say that I am so very fortunate that I have an Evil Twin who gets it when I say I kicked someone's puppy.

Who will drive me to work even if it means going to work an hour early herself.

Who will make fun of my unfortunate taste in men, but ease the pain with pitchers of Bloody Mary's.

Who has the same breakfast-for-dinner schedule as me.

Who introduces me to all the cool things I know about - especially to Friendly Toast. FRIENDLY TOAST!!! FRIEEEEEENNNNNDLY TOOOOOAST!!!!!!!!!!! And to great mascara.

Who is the only person in the world who can jolly me into good humor with coffee, a donut, and a coupla puppy kicks.

Really, life is all about winning the sibling lottery.
Makes everything, especially Mondays, SO much better.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Why I like C-Span.

My first exposure to C-Span was not a great one. Quite frankly I thought it was about as boring as watching paint dry.

But now that I have a less vague understanding that what happens on C-Span will eventually trickle down into my everyday life, I am a little bit more interested.

The other week (month maybe) I was watching testimony of bee keepers in regard to the dying off of millions of bees.

Sounds so ordinary huh - but go figure that bees are generally responsible for pollination. So if there are no bees, who is going to pollinate all those crops and stuff.

All these bee keepers gave this bewildered testimony on how they couldn't figure out how all their bees were leaving the colonies and not coming back.

Read about it here: Science Daily

It's actually pretty scary, the failure of this one little insect has serious global ramifications. I guess I won't be swatting at them this summer!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Like the swallows in Capistrano, the "birds" are back at BU

Along Storrow Drive there is this sort of bi-level grassy green embankment right at Boston University.

As soon as it is spring and the thermometer registers anything over 65 degrees, all the college girls and boys swarm the grassy banks to sunbathe within feet of this major roadway.

Let me tell you, this has the same effect on cars as that big pothole I mentioned earlier.

Drivers get distracted by all the skin glare and start swerving all over the place and into each other and slow down to about 25 miles an hour. This creates an inbound traffic mess that is often compounded by afternoon Red Sox games and then made even worse in late May/early June when the moving trucks begin jamming themselves under the BU bridge.

Hubcaps a-flying, horns a-honking - it's definitely springtime here in Beantown.

Crash, bang, allakazaam!!

The next time you want to have a demolition derby, rent a U-Haul van.

Turns out that if you crash into a parked car, you will get off scott-free.

That was my experience anyway - some dingaling went crash!bang!allakazaam! into the back The Shampagne Super Nova, taking the rear bumper and the tail light assembly all off.

And then took off.

The police don't do anything except take a report which seemingly goes nowhere and U-Haul was like "eh, we'll look into it and get back to you".

And the two kids driving the van were like "so long suckah!"

And I am left holding the bag, facing a car repair bill that will likely cost more than the car is worth.

Which has me thinking that glueing the bumper back on with a tube of liquid nails is not the worst idea ever.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hub(caps) of the Universe

I was driving west on Storrow Drive today, and just before the train/BU bridge I noticed about a million hubcaps in a heap on the side of the road.

Well maybe not a million.

But enough to notice. And to maybe make a couple of bucks on Ebay for sure.

I was wondering why there was a cluster of caps, and then when I came around the bend just after the bridge I saw about 3 or 4 cars pulled over. Each one had a flat front drivers side tire.


Then I remembered that there is a pothole that borders the median divider and the left side of the left lane.

I guess it is more of a pot-holy-hell-what-the-f*ck-was that!?!?! than an actual pothole.

Be careful out there people. And make sure you have AAA.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Running a marathon

Running a marathon is something I have no plans to ever try.

Running from point A to point B over a distance of 26.6 miles sounds like the opposite of fun to me, but clearly it is fun times for over 25,000 other people.

Let me tell you - I was once at the starting area for the Marine Corps marathon down in DC, and I saw people pissing just out in the open. Women, men, everyone - just pulling their running shorts to the side and peeing on the grass.


And who can ever forget Uta Pippig running along with poop and blood running down her leg back in 1996. Ew.

This is not a sport for normal people.

But for those running the Boston Marathon today, I hope you all make times that make you happy.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

It's never WHAT you know, it's WHO you know.

The BRA sold a piece of land worth $2,000,000 to the Islamic Society for $175,000.

That smells like vieux fromage to me.

And now a Jewish advocacy group is suing. As they should.

The BRA is the Boston Redevelopment Agency. They manage city owned property. Their transactions, especially with religious groups, should be public record.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against building a mosque.

But not when you need keep your deals with the city a secret to get the job done. It makes you look like you are trying to hide something.

Monday, April 09, 2007

I am kicking myself in the a**

This is a true story from once when the Evil Twin, a bunch of other people, and myself went camping.

We were standing in the parking lot waiting for the group to gather and Evil Twin had her hiking boots dangling off the back of her knapsack and she was swaying back and forth getting the boots to bounce off her butt.

I don't know why she was doing this and I didn't ask, the family has a don't ask/just keep watching policy which is pretty effective.

So she is bouncing the boots off her bum and she is sing-song saying "I am kicking myself in de ass. Kicking myself in de ass!" Over and over again.

And as she is doing this, there is this family piling out of a mini van beside us, with a couple of ankle-biters among them.

One of the frumpy mums comes over to Evil Twin and says: "Please don't say ass in front of my kids"

We all kind of look at this woman like she's just crapped in the punch bowl - first off we were there first, and secondly it's not like she was saying "you mutherf*ckers I am going to break your asses with my bloody boots! Gaarrrr!!!!"

Then we look at Evil Twin because this is her rumble and one nod from her and we'd gladly throw the woman a Dorchester Sneakah Pahty.

But the Evil Twin is still bouncing the boots off her bum, only now she is saying: "I am kicking myself in de anus! Kicking myself in de rectum! La la la la laaa lah la"

Which, from the looks of Frumpy Mum, is not what she had in mind!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I know how Keith feels

Turns out that Keith Richards was playing an April Fools prank when he said that he inhaled his pappy with a toot of coke.

But no one got it. He had to tell everyone it was a joke.

That is the funny part - the fact that Keith snorted his dad's ashes was more believable than the fact that he was joking.

Dude, I know how you feel. No one at work gets my jokes either.

Not worth his salt

There is absolutely no good or real reason to pay Alan Mulally $28,000,000 to be the CEO of Ford Motors.

I understand that the $28 mil is based on a $2,000,000 base salary + stock n' sh*t but whatever, it's still a major chunka change.

Let me just review a coupla reasons why he doesn't deserve it:

1. Ford lost $12 billion last year. $12,000,000,000. That is equal to roughly 3,037,974,682 Friendly Fribbles. Or enough for every single person on Earth to share half a one.

2. Ford stands for Found On Road Dead and sometimes Fixed Or Repaired Daily. And now with the downsizing, that makes Ford employees F*ucked Over Royally Dude.

3. Ford is closing several plants and laying off 30,000 people. He could give each of them $933.00 with that pink slip.

I think a cash reward for a job well done is the best kind of reward, but when did it turn into a cash reward for a crappy job that involves layoffs, plant closings, and billion dollar losses?

If anyone can tell me, and convince me, how this is considered a solid business logic/plan/approach, I will make, bake, and send them 2 dozen oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies. Oatmeal optional.

Because I may not have a terribly solid grasp of standard business policy and procedure, but I do know that if it quacks, floats, and has feathers - it's probably a duck.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Why mix tapes are a bad idea, nevermind trying to find a cassette player.

My co-worker, Accountant-by-Day sent me this gem from Mitch Hedberg:

Some songs have a special meaning for man in regards to a woman.

But this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with and now it's been cheapened.

"We are the world/We are children/We are the ones who make a better life/So let's keep on giving. "

"Remember that song baby? The night I f*cked you in the pet cemetery?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Gives new meaning to "up your nose with a rubber hose"

Keith Richards is one f*cked up dude.

Now he is claiming that he mixed some cocaine with some of the ashes of his deceased dad and snorted it.

Ew! and why the hell would you do that?

This wasn't even that long ago. This was like in 2002 or 3.

Monday, April 02, 2007

You know who are still not married....

Nicollette Sheridan and Mike Bolton!

They really need to start leaking wedding plans.

How awkward is it going to be on the set of "Desperate Housewives" after Eva gets married.

Eva and Tony have been engaged for a shorter time, AND this is the first time they've dated.

Nic and Mike dated ages ago, broke up, did other crap, are now back together, and have been engaged for yonks.

Dum, dum, de dum? I dowdit!

Jammin' Grandma

Ok so this is an older story, but hey, it's always gonna be funny.

Some time ago I was browsing through the local Chez Marshalls and kept running across the same two little old ladies shopping.

(great, I have the same taste as little old granny. greaaaaaaaaaaat.)

Anyway, I am in the beauty creams and potions aisle and these two grannies are going crazy with the testers. A squirt of this, a pump of that, having a grand old time.

Then one little biddy says to the other: "I don't know about this one, it goes on a bit sticky" They converse momentarily about this crappy cream then toddle off.

Curious to see which cream could not cut the mustard, I went to have a looky-loo for myself.

Lo and behold they'd been slathering on jam.

Straight outta the jar.

I guess that would explain the stickiness.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Long live the Pancake Queen

My mother is a number of things: an accurate predictor of snowfall amounts, usually the life of the party unless under the influence of Sudafed and Bloody Mary's, maddeningly opinionated about the length and color of my hair, the most fun person to go to auction with ever... you get the idea.

Turns out that we can add the title of Pancake Queen to that list too.

I mostly see pancakes as an edible sponge for maple syrup. But Mom's pancakes this morning were so delicious I ate a hideous amount of them and now, 12 hours later, I want more.

And I know that if I were to try to make them for myself right now, I would end up with small round disks, suitable more for tiling the bathroom. Might as well just drink the maple syrup out of the jug at this stage.