Tuesday, August 23, 2005

If you were a teen in 1980 to 1989, you should be in therapy

I know that VH-1 is the primary source for reminding me of all the 80's crap I try to forget. However just recently I hit the trifecta of crap all by my lonesome!

I really cannot explain how this all came together for me, but somehow within the space of a few days it has finally become startling clear to me why so many people I know who came of age in the glorious 80's should be in some form of therapy.

The first clue was I found an old copy of Flowers in the Attic (1979)

The second was watching the movie Red Dawn (1984)

The third was watching the movie Blue Lagoon (1980)

The trifecta of crap.

Flowers in the Attic: This was a book about four middle class kids locked up in their grandparents attic by their mother and grandmother to conceal their existence from Grandfather.

Let me tell you right now - no one read this because they thought it was a classic of American literature.

They read it because the sister and the brother shagged.
And back in the 80's that was pretty titillating stuff.
Are kids these days even allowed to read it anymore?

Red Dawn: Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey pre-Dirty Dancing!
Charlie Sheen pre- Ferris Buellers Day Off!
Lea Thompson pre-Back to the Future!

Ahhh yes, the carefree & heady days of the Reagan "we begin bombing in five minutes" Administration! Red Dawn was this great movie about the Russian invasion of Colorado - easily the most landlocked state in the US.

And I am sure there was a reason for that, a reason that I missed because I was too busy fantasizing about bunking and hunkering down with a young Patrick Swayze. Hot! Hot! HOT!

Although for a long time I really wanted Jennifer Grey's light blue puffy parka.

Blue Lagoon: Oh this movie I saw at the WRONG time!

I saw this movie on channel 56, a hot bed in the 80's for Saturday afternoon trashy movies when I was a pre-teen and all hopped up on hormones.

Here is this movie about two kids stranded on an island who grow up into teens who bonk ALOT, as they should since they are played with vacuous perfection by Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins. So they are flirting and swimming (naked boy pee pee!!!) and bonking, when Brooke suddenly goes moody and headachy and hungry.

Guess who is going to have a baby. Yep, a baby. What the hell message is THAT to send?

The "having a baby" scene cracks me up now - picture a young Brooke Shields making odd grunts and groans while crouched under a tree at night, then after a couple of minutes of "ugh unnnngggghhhh" there comes the unmistakable wail of a newborn which I swear is preceded by a plopping-into-leaves noise. Come the next morning, teen Mom and teen Pop carry a very large and very clean baby back to their split level tiki hut.

At this point the bonking comes to an end (boo hoo!) and I don't remember the ending.

This really is just the tip of the iceberg of crud that is very dear to me for being the pap on which I was raised.

However to all my dear peers, I know for a fact all this messed us up. My proof? In grade school a classmate married her poster of Rick Springfield in a playground ceremony with like 9 attendants. Another classmate stole dimes to prank call "Jenny" from payphones, which I am sure would make Mr. Tuotone very happy. Though I am sure he would have preferred that she just mail him the dimes.

Sing it with me bitches: "wait six seven fyve three ohhh niy-e-eyenn! I gaadit I gaaditt!!!!"

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Not so smaht

Maybe you have heard about George and Jennifer Hyatte. They are the bozo husband and wife team who shot his way out of custody.

Seemingly while the hubby was being transferred, the little wifey showed up, began blasting away, killed one guard, injured the others, and off they went - to Motel 6.


You just shot up law enforcement! You should be camping in the WOODS, not in cheapo motels where the guy at the front desk can make a few bucks from turning your criminal asses in!

So dumb, they should be in the pokey for stupidity alone!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Baaaaaaaaad Advertising

I am of the school that all advertising is a load of crapola. Someone somewhere gets paid to invent ways to get a person to buy something by way of fancy sentence structure or by za-za-zoom commercials.

At this point who could really believe that two identical products could work differently simply for having different packaging. Politicians get elected the same way.

But anyway, currently Target is running an ad promoting their donation to a school in Arizona for homeless children. Probably some chucho in advertising thought "hmm, let's advertise our generous philanthropy in order to lull our customers into feeling relieved of their obligation to give to others, then they can come and spend that extra dollar in store!"

Walmart does this same b******t.

Charity for the sake of being charitable, please. Otherwise it is just tacky.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Boston is run by retahds

Example One: Resident Parking only.

Some transportation genius decided that rather than issue household visitor passes, it would be easier to assign about two spaces per street to vistor parking.


In an area with chronic parking woes, do you think that anyone is going to leave that space open for visitors?

Example Two: Rolling Parking Restrictions.

On my street signs appear on Tuesday that read "No Parking - Wed. Aug. 3 - 5"

On Friday, August 5, a piece of tape went up on the signs that said "No Parking - Mon Aug 8 & 9 & 10"

Today the signs have all been changed to "Aug 9 & 10 & 11".

Both sides of the street, for two blocks.

And no one can tell me why.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Where all de white wimmin at?

"What in the wide wide world of sports is goin' on over here? I hired you to get a little track laid, not to dance around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!"

Blazing Saddles.
Funniest f*&%ing movie I have ever seen.