Monday, November 28, 2005

Sucky celebs

I never ever thought I would ever get tired of celebrity shenanigans.

But holy crapola! Just even saying that makes me feel like I farted in church.

Celebrity ennui has settled across my brain like a fuzzy wet blanket, damn it!
(and yes, I know that I am not supposed have any interest whatsoever about celebs, but my brain requires some sort of mental candy, and quite frankly nothing quite satisfies my gray blob like the Enquirer or People or some other such pap, so back off bub!)

Among the things that have failed to interest me at all:

Nick & Jessica: Splitsville... well duh, only a blind & deaf retard didn't see that coming.

Kimberly & Tallin (who the f*ck are they again??): Started dating last Tuesday, got engaged Saturday, broke up yesterday. Whatever, ho-hum.

Paris Hilton (not the boy Paris): got a monkey-dog thingy, possibly ate a cornflake, consulted with a surgeon about correcting the awkwardly boxy shape of her head. Yeah, yeah, thrillaminute.

Kate n' Tom: Got a sonogram machine to flip out their destined-for-therapy fetus even more. That is friggin' creepy ok. That's not celebrity news, that's a skeleton that should be returned to the closet immediately.

Honestly, even VH-1's Best Week Ever can no longer hold my interest.
Ugh, there is a tear in the cosmic fabric. We need new celebrities.

Time to hose off Hollywood and start fresh.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Stupid Gaelg Vanninagh

So those in the know know how the name SHAMRAG came about.
Me, my Irish housemate, and her Irish friends were all sitting around playing a friendly, Heineken-driven game of Smubble and someone threw down "shamrag".

Shamrag, you know, is when your sex partner won't put out on more than one occasion in a month. Or acts like a raving looney toon for no apparent reason. Well, they are on the 'sham'rag.

This, plus other made up words, provided HOURS of amusement - helped in no small part by beer, because it IS true that alcohol makes shit funnier.

But guess what? Shamrag is a word.

A real word.

In friggin GAELIC

And it means friggin SHAMROCK

And not Ken Shamrock the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monday, November 14, 2005

With these Thai-vestite lovelies, its better to spit, not swallow

UPDATE: I forgot to include a link to the original story, my bad. I don't want anyone to think that I am clever enough to make this sh*t up. And since it was in the news, it must be true! Ok!

According to Thai police, tourists are being "hoodwinked" by certain creatures of the seamy

It would seem that these Thai-vestites are divesting tourist of their wallets and lordy knows what else by hiding sleeping tablets under their tongues then shooting them down the victims throat during make out sessions.


That seems hard to do.

a) you'd have to hide the tablet under the tongue for a certain amount of time so you'd run the risk of making your own bad self a little sleepy.

b) the logistics of shooting a tablet down someone's throat while making out with them without invoking at least some small gag-reflex is outside my realm of imagination. And therefore is one more reason why I am not a Thai transvestite.

So yeah next time you rascally tourists try to have it on with a Thai tranvestite, for the love of Haysoos remember:

SPIT, don't swallow

The Amish didn't even ask for it...

There is an interesting bit of news from Pennsylvania today. It seems that the Game Commission may allow the use of atlatls in time for the hunting season next year.

WTF is an atlatl you ask? Well I asked the same question.

An atlatl is a Stone Age weapon. It is basically a launching device to hurl a dart or spear.

Being the city-living-asphalt-loving kind of person I am, this for me is akin to okie noodling. I will never ever understand the allure of mucking about in chest high water and catching a mean old fish with your bare hands.

Using an atlatl to hunt game is just something I can't visualize. So I googled it. And actually, I think that it looks pretty easy to use. You hold the atlatl, pop a dart or spear in the holder, and when you're ready, you pull and fling the dart or spear forward. I am 100% sure that I would launch the darn thing directly into my foot.

Primitive Weapons
has a picture of a mullet-sporting gal dressed in a Hollywood Prehistoric outfit posing with an atlatl. Then scroll down to the bikini clad cartoon woman page turner. Well worth the misogynistic laugh.

Personally, I am hoping that the Game Commission here in Massachusetts brings back the high seas cutlass. Hunting with a cutlass while talking like a pirate seems like jolly fun, argh matey, wheres me parrot argh!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

One Fine Fruitcake

Easily the most maligned cake in the entire universe, a good fruitcake is actually really quite... good!

How do I know this? Because I made one and ate it and I thought it was darn good.

Monks like fruitcake: Monastery Fruitcake
There is a society to protect fruitcake: Fruitcake Society
Feel free to send me any and all unwanted fruitcake.

Just don't call me a fruitcake.
That would just be insulting.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

The best thing about Sunday...

is watching completely underrated movies like Loverboy.

Basically it is a movie about a pizza delivery boy who goes around dorking various bored California wives all in an effort to get his girlfriend back. All they have to do is order a pizza with extra anchovies.

Ok, well let me tell you, in Boston if you order a large anchovy pizza, that's exactly what you're gonna get. And another thing, the fellow delivering your pizza will look exactly NOTHING like the hothothot Patrick Dempsey. Plus he probably won't even speak English which confuses the issue even more.

I don't think I will be able to finish this pizza...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

November is Glue Month

Be careful where you sit, touch, lick, stand, lean, or otherwise make contact.

The Glue Guns are out.

One guy had his testicles glued to his abdomen by his now ex-girlfriend. He is suing for more than $30,000, though if you ask me this sounds a lot like a Casual Encounter!

Another fella was sat down to pee at a Home Depot and found himself firmly glued to the toilet seat. He is suing, however it sounds like he was more aggravated that no one came to his rescue as they thought he was kidding. Well, duh. It must have been his first visit to the mighty HD because anyone who has been there more than once knows that all HD Employees are contractually obligated to treat ALL customers like a joke. "You wan'a glue gun, well sure, that's row 2, no wait row 22, or wait no, row 32. Oh what tha f*ck, I dunno, ask that guy over there."

And just tonight I saw a guy walking down my street with a bit of brown paper bag stuck to his upper lip. And I KNOW that sh*t is glue-related.

So watch out, if it looks sticky or smells funky - get away.

Oh and yeah you're welcome!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Shameless Hot Dude Post

I can't help myself.

Jamie Foxx is HOT.

Jake Gyllennhaalalla looks like a Q-tip.

hoo raah