Saturday, December 30, 2006

New Year Predictions: Fiery Splits

Good and happy is only good and happy if there is bad and crappy to compare it to.

Which means you can't have hook-ups without breakups and my '07 kiss off predictions are as follows.

1. Paris and Stavros. Or Niarchos, or Pavlos, or Zeus. She like her men Greek and moneyed, but it never lasts. Bye, bye for you Greek god!

2. Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves. He does NOTHING for her. She was supposed to look better after her divorce, not like some Christian music chanteuse. Bye, bye, you bad stylist. And good riddance!

3. Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton. If they really wanted to get married, they should have gotten married long before now. Bye, bye, there's a reason you didn't get hitched the first time around!

4. Evangeline Lilly and Domenic Monaghan. Talk about the odd couple, it's like watching a grub make out with Barbie. You just wait until she gets off the island buddy! Yuck. Bye, bye hobbit boy!

5. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. Face it - he thought he was marrying the heir to the Aaron Spelling fortune. Instead he got a poor, horse-faced, talentless wifey. Now that he got her preggers he wants to remarry her all over again. This is how things went to sh*t between BritBrit and K-Fed and look where they are now.

Buh bye!

New Year Predictions: New Couplings

In Hollywood it seems like people change partners more frequently than square dancers.

So, as the square dance caller would say:

Ace of Diamonds, Jack of Spades
Meet your partner & all promenade!

My list for '07 Hookups:

1. Lance Bass and Clay Aiken. I know I know, Clay hasn't come out of the closet yet. But c'mon, they would make a cute couple.

2. Tara Reid and Keven Federline. They belong together like Cheez Whiz on Wonder Bread.

3. Pam Anderson and Jamie Fox. He's a single parent, she's a single parent, and they are both a little naughty, spank you very much!

4. Jennifer Aniston and well I wouldn't have put her together with Vince Vaugh, so I am going to go with another unlikely sort: Keifer Sutherland. Besides, I kind of wanted to put her with Brett Favre except he's already hooked up.

5. Matthew McConaughey and......................... HIMSELF. Seriously, this man is the modern day Narcissus.

That's what I got for now.
Happy new year!

New Year Predictions: New Mommies

Ok so here's what I think 2007 will bring:

I think babies are going to be BIG in Hollywood this year. Babies are going to be as coveted as the oversized designer handbag has been in '06.

My picks for '07 mommies are:

1. Pink - she's been married a year now. In Tinseltown years that's like 3 years. Time to make a baby!

2. J. Lo - You KNOW her hubby can't wait to knock her up. Pretty soon he'll also be taking away her shoes and stuff.

3. Jennifer Garner - she made such a cute one, why not go for gold... or Iris, or Holly, or Lily.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow - same as above but she's likely to head in the Abraham, Peach, Issac, or Walnut direction.

5. Lindsay Lohan - she'll do anything for a headline and she's not in AA for no reason. People please!

She did what to his what with her what????

A woman in North Carolina is being charged with malicious castration after she assaulted the genitals of a man at a Christmas party.

Ok, firstly, there was no weapon in involved yet the victim needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage.

I know! Riiiight.

Secondly, who brings out the nuts at a Christmas party?!?

Gad, the holidays really f*ck people up like no other time of the year.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Ultimate Loft

This is where I want to live.

It is the penthouse at the Pierre and for only $70,000,000 it can be mine.

According to the Nooo Yawk Times, this lovely 13,660 square foot residence features a ballroom (natch!), a gilded lobby, and five working fireplaces.

Seeing as how my new home is about ten times the size of my current home, I better start shopping.

And yes, this residence does qualify as a loft.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Hot Tamale

Santa brought me the one gift I wanted - an electric blanket.

I suffer from that old Yankee ailment of Frugalitas Frigititas which means I would rather shiver to death than turn the heat up. I think it is hereditary.

Hey, I can always put on another sweater, right.

Anyway, the only side effect of this disease that I cannot deal with is the effect of having ice blocks for feet. Which is why I love my electric blanket because there is no amount of cold weather that I can't stand so long as my bed is pre-warmed and my tootsies are toasty.

Since my old blanket has deteriorated into a fire hazard, it was time to ask for a new one.

If I buy my own one I will by a cheapo model. If I ask Santa for one......

Well let's just say I got the deluxe, fleece-clad, ultra thin heat elements, turbo blanket.

Zero to conflagration in about six minutes.

Whoooo hoooo!!!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Santa is real

I had a dream the other night that Santa Claus landed on the roof across the street from me.

There were the regular amount of reindeer and the sleigh was all lit up with holiday lights. And he took a hard landing and a few of the lead reindeer overshot the roof and were sort of dangling over the edge of the building. It seemed so logical and realistic.

I think Santa is real.

Although if you move the "n" past the "a" it changes it from "Santa" to "Satan"...

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Baked Beans for Christmas

I don't know why but for some reason I had this need to make baked beans, brown bread, and codfish cakes for Christmas Eve dinner.

Which is curious because I can't really stomach fish and normally I only eat beans out of a can, on toast with a fried egg on top. As for brown bread, well I can take it or leave it.

But here it is Christmas Eve eve and there is a pot of beans in my oven, and a basin of salt cod refreshing in the fridge. And I will confess that I dry-heaved when I had to rinse the fish off. Ick.

These are the beans
Kind of neat packaging.

And the beans in the pot after with a splodge of the secret sauce on top.

I will post pics of the finished product.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Christmas Relief

Ok so I started my Christmas shopping yesterday.

Which will explain why my family is getting blue plastic dolphin doodads.

By the time I got home I was in a foul mood, lifted only by a tale of true romance as told by my friend Beeeeeeeeeeeeej, and a few minutes playing Santa Sez.

If you haven't had a go with Santa Sez, I highly recommend it.

Try the words "destroy" "kill reindeer" or "strip".

Mindless fun, goes well with candy canes.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

How the endless back up occurs on Storrow Drive Eastbound

A truck driver was driving along on Storrow Drive.

A sign comes up that reads, "LOW BRIDGE AHEAD".

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles and finally a Statie shows up.

The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Black Cake Part 2

After I posted about my black cake adventure this weekend, the Boston Globe ran an article in today's Food Section about black cake.

Read all about it here: Black Cake Article

For one thing, the food editor at the Globe once said she would NEVER EVER EVER run an article on fruitcake of any kind, so I dunno how this one got by her.

And for another thing, MY black cake looks WAY better than theirs.

So there.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

For Sale: One Ugly Piece of Crap!

Mumbles Menino can't help himself...

Now he wants to move City Hall to Southie.

Are you f*cking kidding me!

Don't get me wrong here, I am all for selling that misbegotten heap of decaying concrete and all the crotchety employees within.

You can see the heap o'crap for yourself if you want to here. And I know that there are people who will argue that it is a valuable piece of architecture, to which I say "show me your Pacer!" because like the AMC Pacer, there was a week in 1979 when both were considered to be pretty neat!

But what makes me bananas is that he wants to move City Hall to Southie!

South Boston already got the Convention Center and the convention center surcharge that gives the neighborhood of South Boston a couple of bucks for every convention goer.

So now they want to move City Hall over there too.
Talk about moving the trough INTO the sty.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The 20 Pound Cake

Today I made Laurie Colwin's Black Cake.

Which if you read the whole recipe you will find out that she never actually made the cake herself.

But anyway I had a major craving for a dark, rummy, fruity cake and boy is that ever what I got!

The thing weighs about 20 pounds, is pitch black, and smells like rum.

Whoo hoo!!

Anyone want some?