Monday, July 31, 2006

What in Tarnation Baby?!?!

Good old Mitt Romney, he goes out to Iowa and tries to ingratiate himself with the denizens of the red belt by referring to the "Big Dig" as "The Tar Baby".


For anyone who doesn't know, the term "tar baby" means "a situation or problem from which it is virtually impossible to disentangle oneself". To many it has a derogatory connotation, those reasons are explained here.

And when I went looking for the particular quote in the speech on, the following ad pops up:

Now that is just unfortunate.

As to the quote that is causing a brouhaha (can I still use that term?), here it is:

"The best thing for me to do politically is stay away from the Big Dig -- just get as far away from that tar baby as I possibly can"

Ahhhhh hahahahahahahah!

Awful Alchol - Why do I love you so?

Ha ha, Mel Gibson got caught drinking and ranting!!!

Turns out he has an ego the size of Delaware, is anti-Semitic, and a drunk-driver.

Bad boy!

But then I have to laugh because everyone seems so surprised and shocked. Whatever.

Hey, when you drink you do stupid sh*t.

Who hasn't experienced the peculiar awkwardness of drunk dialing. I've drunk dialled and I've been drunk dialled and both are funny after about 12 hours.

Or drunk confessions. For me personally it takes about three beers before the beer googles come down. Sad but true that I have confessed undying devotion to the most wildly inappropriate people after several bevvies.

Or even better, drunk decision making. At Thanksgiving my entire drunken family and our equally drunken friends planned an elaborate trip that went from Dubai to Albania to the vineyards of France, on to Argentina, and a few other places beyond. Sounded completely reasonable to me. Heck, I am STILL waiting for my tickets.

People do cringe-worthy stuff under the influence. It's a fact of the substance.

Now everyone is talking about how Mel Gibson's career is completely over. And I say, GET OVER IT.

Granted I much prefer his Mad Max stuff to his Mad Jesus tangent, but that's just me.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

It's in writing, it must be true.

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe what I read in the tabloids. About 47% of what is written in the likes of the National Enquirer, US Weekly, People, what have you, is typically true. And usually it is true even though celebrities would like it to NOT be true.

Anyway, it is being reported that Heather Mills is being divorced from Sir Paul McCartney for being a complete scheming shrew. He is a dumbass for marrying in haste and without a pre-nup, but he is an even bigger donkey for not paying any attention whatsoever to all the reports that came out before their marriage that she was a nasty ole gold-digger. She was pretty uniformly disliked by everyone, he should have twigged, he's an idiot.

Look at Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey -the tabloids knew they were heading for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E before they were even aware there was a problem.

Or Lance Bass. Gayer than a Christmas cocktail, and there again, the tabloids knew then too! I wonder when Justin is going to find out he boinked Lance back in 1999.

And lastly, it's clear that K-Fed is aware of the clairvoyant tendancies of the press because he was pretty quick in getting rid of $ean Pre$ton's hot Manny!

While I thoroughly enjoy World Weekly News and enjoy reading it outloud to others, I know that it's total false crap. I knew that even before they started to include the disclaimer at the front of the magazine that explicitly states that all the articles are in fact bullsh*t.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

So long Cosmic Muffin.

Growing up in Boston there are three things from the radio that I will never forget, even when I am a palsied, moth-eaten old biddy.

Number One: The KISS-108 morning show jingle, sing it with me people!!

"Eeeeveryyyyday, I'ma maaaaaakin' ma waayyyyy to Maaatty... in th'mornin!"

Number Two: Sunny Jo White, my first and only crush on a DJ who got me to listen to Donna Summer and Hot Chocolate. Although Arnie "Woo Woo" Ginsberg (It's solid gold!) sticks out as a close second.

Number Three: Darrell Martinie, the official astrologer of Massachusetts, also known as the Cosmic Muffin. Sadly he passed away last week and that is too bad. He used to get on the radio and give these complicated astrological reports like "well mercury is in retrograde and that's going to cause conflict in the rising house of aquarius". Huh? Couldn't he just say "hey all you Pisces, be careful today and you'll be lucky in love tomorrow"?

But the Cosmic Muffin made you think and he had a great on-air personality and I always believed that if the Russians were going to nuke us, the Muffin would alert us during his daily morning report.

Somehow now the world seems a little less safe.

Cyanoacrylate - Not Just for Huffing Anymore!

Maybe instead of using duct tape to secure the tunnel bolts, they should have used cyanoacrylate to hold it up.

Cyanoacrylate is the technical term for Krazy Glue, or Super Glue. It is an acrylic resin that forms an instant bond when it comes in contact with the hydroxyl ions found in water. It is alleged that one square inch of cyanoacrylate can hold one ton.

A more detailed explanation can be found on HowStuffWorks.


You might remember this guy:

He was the guy who Krazy Glued himself to an I-beam.

Personally I was more impressed with the Super Glue ad that featured a car glued to a crane and being hoisted into the air, but whatever.

It's just that if they're going to spend five bucks on a roll of tape, why not spend five bucks on glue? Especially where the glue has such superior holding power!

All this talk about glue makes me want to go and huff a little mucilage.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Quacks, Waddles, Floats.

Must be a duck.

Or in this case Matt Amarello.

This is the man who heads the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority. Which if you don't know, is not funded by state or federal funds, but rather by toll revenue, air rights, and advertising. Which pretty much makes it a great big private road.

Yes, that's where your Turnpike tolls go. Straight back to Fat Matt.

These days Fat Matt is fighting to keep his quarter million a year job. This is not the first time either. Problem is that this time he is fighting Metro Mitt, our Ken-doll governor, and he is pissed! It's like watching a Slim Jim wrestle a marshmallow.

The difference is that this time the MTA's incompetence has killed a person, and from what is coming to light, it is only by some stroke of macabre luck that more people were not killed.

Not only does the MTA manage the Turnpike, but it also oversees that quagmire of money and shoddy construction known as the Big Dig. From the beginning Matt Dumbarello has resisted any kind of third party evalutation or oversight, and that smells bad to me.

And to anyone who grew up with siblings, let me remind you that when you were a kid and you punched your brother or sister in the face and they ran to tell on you, didn't you crap your pants a little? Because even though you were your own person, your parents could still tell you what to do. This smells like a kid who crapped in his pants to me.

For those of you who don't know, the Turnpike is the highway that goes from one end of the state to the other the long way. For a major roadway used by thousands of people everyday, it is suspicious that Matt won't let anyone in to check out what's going on.

Especially now when it turns out that the tunnel system seems to be crumbling back into the Habah.

Monday, July 24, 2006

People Please!

I will be glad when this month is over.

Yesterday a young woman was shot just about a mile from where I live.

A family member of hers lives on my street and my heart goes out to the family.

Four years ago the young woman's brother was shot in exactly the same spot, at the same time of day. What the hell is going on here?

With all the guns on the street and the complete disregard for society by a few rotten apples, where is the outrage?

Why I don't live in the GD suburbs!!!! Gah!!!!

Today I am working out at this great company in a town west of Boston.

Really, I don't like to travel more than about a mile past the city limits, but today I did. And boy was I ever reminded of WHY I don't travel more than a mile past the city limits.

So there I am going along in the Blue Bomber at a comfy 65 mph (the Bomber is old and wheezy, 65 is like lightspeed for the poor fella).

I am about to get off at my exit when suddenly I have to slam down on the brakes to avoid smashing into the car in front of me, and the car that is suddenly now beside me, cars are screeching to near halts and swerving all over the place. Iced coffee shoots from the cup holder, spraying across the front windshield, the smell of something burning fills the car, the semi behind me is trying not to fishtail, and my stomach has turned into liquid jelly.

Holy near major pile up!

Thankfully no one is smushed at that time, and I look to see what is causing everyone to scatter at high speeds....

THREE GEESE!!!! Three friggin' geese on the highway!!!!

Dumb birds! Dumb people!

I actually called the State Police. What a stupid sounding called that must have been.

You would never see this in the city, thank you very much.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Ca phe sua da

It is fair to say that I have eaten enough Vietnamese food to build a land bridge from San Diego to Saigon.

However, due to my inability to read Vietnamese, my palate hasn't really expanded across the menu too dramatically.

Turns out though that my neighbor Triet is from Vietnam and more than willing to be my culinary guide. Wooh haa!!

The first thing he introduces me to is some funky liquid-jell0 chunks-noodle thing (drink/dessert? not sure exactly). I think that Sister and I met something similar at an Indian restaurant one time. Some odd concoction involving rose syrup and angel hair pasta...

But it was the second thing that he introduced me to that really made my heart go pitter-pat. It's a lovely thick iced espresso drink called ca phe sua da (caffe suda). It's made in a little funny looking pot and stirred together with condensed milk and served over ice.

Holy crap, it's my new crack.

It's sad that I want one at 8pm on Sunday night.

I wonder what time the restaurant opens tomorrow morning...

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I Heart Michael Mann

If you're wondering why I am in on an icky humid rainy Saturday night, I have two words for you: MIAMI VICE.

Yep, tonight they are running the pilot episode and let me tell you, after all this time the theme song, with the synthesized drum lead in and the opening montage of Miami STILL gives me major goosebumps.

For a geeky frozen New England teenager, the prospect of running away to Miami and living the high life with Crockett and Tubbs was second only to running away with Duran Duran.

Sunshine, pastels, bikinis, fast boats, beaches, cocaine, guns, and stucco - heady stuff!

Michael Mann has the ability to capture a look on film in a way that no one else can. Dark, sleek, forward moving, macho - I can't explain it, but damn, I love it.

Results 1 - 10 of about 15,000,000 for duct tape

A while back my sister and I had the privilege of sharing a red 'Vette.

Granted it was a Chevette, but it went forward and backward and that's all that was pretty much required of it.

However, the 'Vette had previously been my Dad's car. His theory is that as autos have no appreciation value, you might as well drive them into the ground.

Therefore by the time the car was passed onto us it had lost the power steering and the power brakes, and parts of the engine were wrapped in duct tape, among other things. To come to a complete stop you had to press the brake pedal all the way to the floor and use the steering wheel for leverage. It's embarrassing how many people we "kissed" with the car.

Why on earth would I be thinking about this now you wonder?

Well repairing engines with duct tape is apparently a pretty common thing among people who know stuff about engines and crap. Coming from a girl who has to have confirmation that motor oil goes into the hole marked engine oil, you can see how I am impressed.

I knew about duct tape before I knew about scotch tape. Sometimes birthday presents came taped up with duct tape. And one of the things that frustrated me at an early age was the fact that if you don't know what you are doing, duct tape tears the long way. And that mysteriously women often use it to tape up the twins when wearing a low cut dress.

These are the "common" uses for duct tape.

If you happened to pick up the Boston Herald today, you would have seen the following headline: THEY USED DUCT TAPE TO FIX BOLTS.


Because using duct tape to hold up heavy slabs of concrete doesn't seem like a great use of the product. Not in the way using duct tape to fix a carburator seems like a good idea.

You know, even when those cursed tunnels open again, I bet that people are going to be driving through them at about Mach 203.

Friday, July 21, 2006

First Time for Fantasy Football

There are some things that just don't come naturally to me, such as: manual transmission, Suduko, algebra.

Up until now, fantasy football has kind of eluded me. Don't get me wrong, I understand the game perfectly well, but I've never understood how online fantasy football works. Basically it is choosing a football team from all the players in the NFL and then getting points from how well they perform? Maybe?

So I've signed up with some CBS Fantasy Football program, put myself into the Gridirons Fanatics League and named my team the Roxbury Manglers. Because playing fantasy football is something I would like to do before I die.

Now I am supposed to rank my players. Huh?

Wish me luck!

Fries with that Shake?

There's no point to posting the Pats schedule without including a link to the unofficial Pats depth chart.

Click here for it.

Patriots Schedule 2006


Fri 8/11/2006 8:00 PM @ Falcons CBS

Sat 8/19/2006 8:00 PM vs Cardinals NFL Network

Sat 8/26/2006 8:00 PM vs Redskins WCVB

Thu 8/31/2006 7:30 PM @ Giants WCVB


Sun 9/10/2006 1:00 PM vs Bills WBZ / CBS

Sun 9/17/2006 4:15 PM @ Jets WBZ / CBS

Sun 9/24/2006 8:15 PM vs Broncos WHDH / NBC

Sun 10/1/2006 4:15 PM @ Bengals WBZ / CBS

Sun 10/8/2006 1:00 PM vs Dolphins WBZ / CBS

Sun 10/15/2006 Bye

Sun 10/22/2006 1:00 PM @ Bills WBZ / CBS

Mon 10/30/2006 8:30 PM @ Vikings WCVB / ESPN

Sun 11/5/2006 8:15 PM vs Colts WHDH / NBC

Sun 11/12/2006 1:00 PM vs Jets WBZ / CBS

Sun 11/19/2006 1:00 PM @ Packers WBZ / CBS

Sun 11/26/2006 1:00 PM vs Bears WFXT / FOX

Sun 12/3/2006 1:00 PM vs Lions WFXT / FOX

Sun 12/10/2006 1:00 PM @ Dolphins WBZ / CBS

Sun 12/17/2006 1:00 PM vs Texans WBZ / CBS

Sun 12/24/2006 1:00 PM @ Jaguars WBZ / CBS

Sun 12/31/2006 1:00 PM @ Titans WBZ / CBS

Thursday, July 20, 2006

If You're Not Part of the Solution, You're the Problem

I get it, some people don't like cops. It's some allergic reaction to authority triggered by various causes.

Ok fine whatever, so you don't like cops. Especially when they lecture you about being naughty. God knows I wanted to smack the officer who pulled me over and lectured me for running a yellow light. A YELLOW LIGHT for crying out loud. And yeah, there are a fair few rotten apples in the barrel, like doctors who let patients die, or teachers who molest students.

However, in the end everyone wants the 5-0 to show up with in a minute of calling 9-1-1. Which usually happens.

Now how would you feel if you were a police officer and you were chasing a suspect who was likely armed and when you chased this person through a party, the partygoers turn on you and beat the crap out of you.

You'd be like "W.T.F!!!?!?!"

(I know that I said that I would stop my Boston bashing yesterday, but consider this a little acid reflux. )

Seriously, this just really bothers me. I live in a great 'hood. I know my neighbors. I know that a community can get together and make little changes to improve the overall quality of life. I know that it feels great to smile at your neighbor and have them smile back. I know that even though a few people misbehaving can give a whole area of bascially good people a bad reputation.

So when people behave this badly, it makes me bonkers. The suspect was running and most people who really have nothing to hide don't bolt. So chances are the fellow had a gun. Which in Boston this summer it seems that everyone has a gun: carrying one in da hood is as de rigeur as a pair of Havaianas on Beacon Hill.

Not only that, but then he runs through a child's birthday party. In so many ways that could have ended badly. But instead the partygoers jump the officer, beat him up, and then steal his cellphone. It's really disgusting, they should all be ashamed. And barred from calling 9-1-1 for one month.

Check out Joe Fitzgerald's editorial in the Boston Herald for the complete story.

Ok NOW I am done. I SWEAH!

Toolbelts, Uniforms, and Drakkar Noir

On there is a terrific FOUR page article on the affairs of the contractor.

It would seem that the lowly toolbelt has as much pull for some people as Matthew McConaughey in uniform, dipped in Drakkar Noir.


(scratch n' sniff)

“They’ve been totally sexualized, like the U.P.S. man,” said Stephen Drucker, the editor in chief of House Beautiful. “I can’t tell you how many times when I hear somebody give a recommendation for a contractor it inevitably ends with the four words, ‘And he’s really cute.’ ”

“It’s fast, sexy, hot, but it doesn’t mean a lot — it’s like sexual chocolate, like sneaking out and getting that double scoop of ice cream in the afternoon,” Mr. Hay said

Hey, I know that sh*t is true, my own Gran ran off with a contractor!

I don't know why all of a sudden desperate women are all over the news, but it sure is funny!

Kinda makes me wanna get some work done on my own place... or call 911... whatever...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

How to Flirt

OK - officially today is my "W.T.F. Boston!??!?" day.

Traffic, weather, politics, and now people. I think it is all coming to a head.

Anyway, there is a saying in Boston that if you can last long enough to make a friend, you will have that friend for life.

Which is true, But then again Bostonians have a much lower B.S. tolerance level than anyone else in the world. Tell someone you don't know to "have a nice day" and they are liable to tell you to "go f*ck ya self you muthaf*ckah". I can kind of understand that. Fakery is for Pam Anderson's boobs, seen but not heard.

However, this makes for a pretty dreadful flirting scene. In all honesty it is hard for a girl to flirt with a boy without having to pluck his roving tentacles off. I said tentacles...

It's a sad fact that the chronic low tolerance to B.S. is in direct conflict with the ability to have a friendly, flirty banter with another person without being misleading.

Maybe that is not a condition unique to Boston, but my experience has been that "hey how you doin'?" translates into "hey, who you doin'?".

So here is a link to a guide to flirting.

It's long, thorough, and full of insight like:

"Some men also blow their chances by carrying on a conversation with a woman's breasts, rather than looking at her face."


"We would not suggest, for example, that a woman in a mini-skirt should 'echo' the open-legged sitting posture of her male companion."


"Do not use the eyebrow-flash in Japan, where it has definite sexual connotations and is therefore never used as a greeting signal."

Good luck! *wink*wink*

Why You Shouldn't Cheat.

If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that you should never ever ever cheat on your hair stylist.

Never ever.

It's ok if you change stylists altogether, but unlike boys, you can't juggle between two.

Otherwise you'll end up looking like this:

Find one you like and then book all your appointments right away. And be grateful that I learned this lesson for you. Think how much money, time, and tears I've just saved you. You're welcome!

PS: Debbie - I am SOOOO sorry I cheated. It will never happen again I SWEAR!!! Thank you for fixing the rats nest, of course it looks like normal now. I am an ass!! I will never cheat again I PROMISE!!!!!

Bad Days in Beantown Baby!

Gad help us if there is a disaster in Boston this summer.

Sorry, I mean a natural disaster.

If there is a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, tornado, whatever, if you live in the city, just stay there. Don't even bother trying to get out. Traffic around here has a funny way of being fatal.

First of all it would seem that the Big Dig tunnels have been made out of plaster of Paris, brad fastners, peanuts and Silly Putty. No wonder they fall down and kill people.

Not only that, but just as the masses have finally figured out how to navigate the stupid tunnels, they wind up closed and now everyone has to navigate around detours.

You can imagine the clusterf*ck that's turning out to be. Make that the most expensive clusterf*ck in history. Recent history anyway.

But wait!! There's more!!

So then last night I turn on the tap and barely any water comes out.

Hmmmmmm. That's unusual.

According to the 11 o'clock news some ding-dong drilling into the street, drilled into a 30" water main a few blocks away. It's worth it to check out the article to see the photos.

Turns out they were drilling at night and punctured the water main sending about a bajillion gallons of water out into the streets. Which resulted in the temporary shut down of an emergency room and a homeless shelter and closed down a few intersections.

Which doesn't sound so dramatic on paper, but those intersections are a big part of the morning commute. And the evening commute. And it's the intersection over by the Expressway on-ramp that was tampered with in an effort to make it more streamlined, but instead totally botched it up. I bet Matt Amarello's nephew oversaw that job.

And oh yeah, a tractor-trailer flipped over on the westbound side of the Mass Turnpike today.

The only thing making me nervous about this WHOLE situation is the fact that Tropical Storm Beryl is bearing down on New England.

Ordinarily I wouldn't worry about that, but given the recent bad luck that has been hanging over Boston, I bet that Beryl becomes a category five hurricane and really shuts the city down.

Then we'll see how fabulously well those little blue evacuation signs work. Though given the state of Boston roads, it would probably be faster to walk the hell out.

Missing Diamond Dave

There are a few things in life that just put a person in a better mood.

Maybe you win on a scratch card, or get a whole jar of bread & butter pickles for yourself, or find ten bucks in your pants you're about to wash, whatever it is it makes you really thrilled for a few minutes.

That's what Diamond David Lee Roth does to me.

Not the new scary macrobiotic radio talk show host David Lee Roth, but the old spandex sportin' frizzy haired Van Halen rockin' Diamond Dave.

Who would grab onto his crotch and jump around the stage kicking and singing and waggling his tongue suggestively to the ladies. To any ladies.

So when I hear "Beautiful Girls" or "California Girls" or "Hot for Teacher" or "Everybody Wants Some" or "Panama", it makes me happy.

Monday, July 17, 2006

About a million screaming rednecks...

Yesterday I was at the Kenny Chesney country fest at Gillette Stadium, and all that kept going through my head was the fragment of a Cletus T. Judd song "I Love Nascar" which is the title of this post.

Although, this being New England, perhaps they aren't so much rednecks as rubberneckers.


All the girls came to see Kenny and all the boys came to see the girls who came to see Kenny.

Who by the way is also gay. Which by the way has never deterred me. I feel like 80% of my crushes are on gay men.

But every single girl there had on a cutoff mini denim skirt and either a bikini top or a tank top. Which after a while starts to make everyone look alike.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself - we started tailgating around 11:30am which was crazy since it was about 9 million degrees and we were tailgating in the middle of a great big parking lot.

A great big dusty hot parking lot.

Our neighbors a few trucks down had music enough for everyone, the Tennessee flag was flying (which was referred to as the Texas flag, so you knew you were in New England. Confusing Texas and Tennessee to a Southerner is like telling a New Englander that Big Papi is one hell of a running back. ) and everyone was drinking domestic beer, y'all.

The early favorite of the night was Big & Rich. They are great entertainers and they really got the crowd going. Not only that but John Rich wears spangled pants and for some reason I think that is soooooooooo sexy. If he'd been wearing a sparkly kilt, I definitely would have rushed the stage. This is clearly why I am still single.

The only odd part of their show was when they brought out Mike, who seemingly is a two foot dancing machine, Though I am not sure how I feel about the whole Two-Foot Mike thing, I kind of got the feeling that they were going to bowl him or something.

So - how was your weekend?

Friday, July 14, 2006

Hey, I would probably do the same thing!

CNN is reporting that a woman in Oregon may be facing up to a year in jail.

Her crime? She was trying to get a date.

Via 9-1-1.

Seemingly a very good looking deputy was sent to her house on a noise complaint. After he left, she called 911 and asked that the hot deputy be sent back, or if they could give him her phone number.

While it is a potentially tragic way to meet men, I can kind of see where she's coming from on that one.

Who wouldn't want a hot guy to show up on their doorstep in uniform?
Too bad the Marines, Army, and Navy don't respond to 911.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

100% Humidity

I am not sure what is going on around here, but I am positive that there are four horsemen about to ride into Boston...


First the airport tunnel collapsed, killing a woman. I mean the thing collapses at 11pm and STILL manages to kill someone! Imagine the carnage if it had fallen during rush hour.

Not only would Matt "Ain't No Flies On Me" Amarello have been hung, drawn, and quartered, but the bits would be strung up and left to fly over the tolls at the Ted Williams tunnel.

(In case you aren't completely familiar with the complexities of Boston politics, Matt Amarello is the head of the Turnpike Authority, the last true place in Boston that a state rep can get a job for his girlfriends junkie ex-con brother. Amarello has come under fire for Big Dig waste and pretty much everyone in Massachusetts wants him to resign.)

It will be interesting to see what kind of review board Amarello puts together to review the safety issues within the tunnel system. I bet it's the same people who said that a little water damage was no biggie.

Then yesterday and today have been at like 100% humidity. Which means rain if you didn't know.
But what makes this rain icky is that it is also hot.

Hot rain is like sitting down on a seat that someone just left and your can still feel their bum heat.
It's disgusting.

No wonder everyone in Boston is a bit on the cranky side.

Oh yeah.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Celebrity Train Wrecks

I cannot STAND Star Jones-Reynolds.

What in the name of Sam Hill is WRONG with the woman!??!

She used to be fat and funny and smart.

Now she's less fat, ugly, and a bitch!

It is obvious that dieting makes you cranky.
And also not having sex with your gay hubby.

And if you doubt that part, have a looky-loo at the excerpt of her book at

It made me throw up in my mouth.

Especially the part where she talks about the first time she bonked Big Gay Al. How he looks like a Ralph Lauren model with legs like a stallion.

OK, here's the deal:

1) If he looks like a Ralph Lauren model, he is gay. All gay men are hot and should all be models. And all Ralph Lauren models are gay. It's a fact.

2) Legs like a stallion?? No, no Star sweetie, the line is "he BONKS like a stallion". You need a new editor. And yes, your husband is STILL gay.

Where in the world is Suri Homes-Cruise???

I can now reveal to all the secret surrounding the mysterious Suri Cruise.......

But first some background information.

For one thing everyone knows that Tom Cruise is gay AND sperm-free.
The guy is SO waaaaay past metro....

Yet for some reason he is completely insecure about this fact - as evidenced by his total lack of a sense of humor.

So he went off and got himself a nice little hagbag to tote around on his arm which everyone knows is a worse sham than Zellweger/Chesney.

The ONLY thing they have in common is their chiclet teeth - notice that they always line them up in photos. F*cked UP!

SO I think that Katie, sorry, KATE, went off and bonked either Cuba Gooding (Tom's co-star in Jerry Maguire) or Jamie Foxx (co-star in Collateral). Because who wouldn't??

And whoopsie-daisy KatieKate found herself up the proverbial pole.

And since Tom, without a bit of humor in him, made a complete tit over her all OVER the place, had to suck it up buttercup. Who would ever forget the couch humping Oprah episode? See even you remember it. Riiiiiiiight.....

And then nine months later out pops baby Suri, but oops she's black!

Now everyone will know for sure that Big Gay Tom IS sterile.


Monday, July 10, 2006

He-Bitches, She-Johns, and Man-Whores

"Get off of my tittie you doped up cracka!"

Now when people ask me what my favorite funny movie is I will have to add "Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo" to the list.

It is funny, it's f*cking funny.

The bit where Deuce and TJ are at the hash bar and TJ tells Deuce to go ahead and eat the space cake, telling him it's what astronauts eat and comparing it to Tang.... sh*t......

Lordy day, I can't watch and type...

"Call my mother and tell her I am sorry that I called her friends while I was pleasuring myself"

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Italy Wins World Cup

Much to the irritation to all my soccer-mad friends, let me just say:

Wait, what? That was the last game of the World Cup?

Italy won?



Why I am no fun today, or Why Gold's Gym Sucks!

I have no idea why I even belong to a gym, and now I am actually excited to get rid of my gymnastic albatross.

Last month I changed bank accounts. I usually use online bill pay. I forgot that the gym just helps themself to my money out of my account.

So today I thought I would just pop on down to the gym and give them my new information and let them keep on taking my money because quite frankly I just feel fitter with a gym membership even if I only go like twice a year.

They take my new card and proceed to charge me not only for the month but then they tack on a twenty dollar fee!

When I ask about this fee I am referred to the biggest penis in the industry named "Rhymes With John" (not his real name, exactly...). I asked not to be charged this fee since they didn't have to do anything to collect the money. The fee is what the collection agency would charge and it didn't go to collection.

He props his leg up on the desk and leans over and proceed to talk to me like I am completely retarded, telling me that it's not his problem that I can't pay my bills on time and that if he had to take the time to call all the thousands of clients who don't pay then that's all he would be doing, among other things. Pay my bills on time? I changed bank accounts!

Let me see if I get this correctly: I pay $40 per month for a gym that I never go to, never talk to any of the employees, have been a member for four years, and they would really have me cancel my membership over $20?

They are even more stupid than I am.

But what pisses me off is that "Rhymes with John" was just such a jerk, it made me mad. I haven't been mad for a long time, or talked to like that in a while either. So now I have to go in tomorrow afternoon and speak to the manager. Ugh.

And in case you're curious, it's the Gold's Gym in Southie and really considering the competition, you'd think that they'd try to keep members.