Saturday, December 10, 2005

We are definitely going to be hanging by our own petard!

Last night I had the unfortunate experience of having to drive my dearest friend to the airport right after a storm dumped a heap of crap on the city of Boston which ended right smack at rush friggin' hour.

It took approximately one hour and fifteen minutes to get TO the airport. From my house to the airport is about 5.5 miles, it should take oh, about ten minutes to get there.

The trip back (another hour) was worse, but only because I discovered at a critical moment that my severe lack of gas would probably prevent my safe return. Grr, airport ga$, grrrrrrr.


So as I was stuck on a thick sheet of ice, known as 93 South, I thought - thank gad this isn't an emergency evacuation!

Then I wondered, what the hell IS the evacuation plan for Boston anyway? I know that my family has a plan and that is to drive about a 140 miles north of Boston (which according to my bad math would take about three days of straight driving - figure 140 miles at about 2 miles per hour equals about 70 hours which if you drive round the clock ends up being about 3 days, I think).

According to the Boston Globe, my source for all things Menino, the Mayah has a plan to evacuate the city, one that "would get residents to safety in a catastrophe".

To that I say: BULLSH*T MISTAH MAYAH!!!!!!

First off, I didn't plan on driving to the airport. But when I tried to get a cab, there was not one single cab available in the entire city of Boston.

Then there was gridlock like you wouldn't believe. But that is because it is jokingly easy to get your license in the state of Massachusetts, and because there is ZERO traffic enforcement so people think it is totally normal to drive like a bunch of bozos.

Back to the Plan. The Plan calls for the following:

First off a "system of automated phone calls, bus evacuations and emergency shelters... designed to evacuate the city within hours." HA! Just try calling 1-800-23-Logan in an emergency. I think that the Massport budget calls for having approximately one employee manning the calls when the airport shuts down. And I think that they share that one employee with Aer Lingus.

Part of this plan is to figure out how to direct the bozos who will be driving out of the city in their Escalanches like demented Big Lot bargain shoppers.

"City workers have already begun installing 400 signs along evacuation routes to direct motorists to safety and brochures were being mailed to Boston's 280,000 households." Who the hell reads mail from the city? More Mumbles Menino crap telling homeowners what to do and when to do it? Yeah, riiiiiight, whateverrrrr....

And another thing, it's all well and good to tell us Bostonians what to do, but unless we evacuate East in a boat, we're gonna have to go through a heap of towns to the North, South, and West. I am pretty sure that Cambridge has their own wacky plan, and it probably involved closing all bridges over the Charles to keep the dirty hordes from overrunning Hahvad Yahd. I suspect that the plan for Snooty Newty involved barricading the exits off the Pike. Maybe the evacuation plan should be a state issued thing...

"Seventy-four schools and community centers would serve as emergency shelters for those who stay behind, and would double as staging centers for the busing of residents with no other means of transportation." Hopefully all the elderly and cripples have vehicles to get to the shelters, because good luck getting a cab!

"Police officers, tow trucks and gasoline tankers would be positioned along evacuation routes to keep traffic moving and avoid the gridlock that crippled the Houston area as Hurricane Rita bore down in September." Um yeah, this is retarded. If you've been to Houston you know that the highway system there is about 14 lanes in both directions. Here it averages at about 3 lanes. And our roadway engineers are so clever that they are now making it so that all the highway on ramps enter directly into a lane of traffic rather than into a merge lane. If you've ever tried to get on at Mass Ave since they re-did it, you know the kind of clusterfu*k I'm talking about.

"Residents would be notified of an evacuation by telephone using a new automated system designed to call up to 60,000 households per hour." And how are they going to know that the person they are calling speaks English, or who would understand to stay on the line for translation. Furthermore, I usually hang up on calls that start with dead air because only bill collectors and telemarketers start their calls with dead air.

"Menino had released a different evacuation plan earlier this year, but it was criticized as inadequate by his opponent in the November election, City Councilor Maura Hennigan. City police, fire, health and transportation officials were involved in the drafting of the new plan, which Menino said is subject to revision." Ahhhhh yes, it's true, like so much else Menino does, it was criticized. But thankfully this new plan involved people OTHER than the mayah.

"This is not a panacea," Menino said. "It's a plan we believe makes a lot of sense. The experts have looked at it and analyzed it and are satisfied this plan works."I've stated before that Boston is run by a bunch of retahds, so I am confident that the plan makes no sense whatsoever, and that it will not work. I am also positive that the Mayah would never use the word "panacea", because A) he could never pronounce it, and B) he doesn't know what it means.



Anonymous said...

And I am also pretty sure that part of the Clevah Mayah's plan incorporates 60,000 households joining in a rendition of the Safety Dance...sing it with me folks, S-S-S-S-A-A-A-A-F-F-F-F-E-E-E-E-T-T-T-T-Y-Y-Y-Y...Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I had to post again because I do LOVE the small blue signs that read: "Evacuation Route" with arrows pointing in three different directions. Great, straight ahead takes you right into the heart of roxbury, left takes you to dorchester and right takes you to the symphony. Honey, kids are escaping from the HOOD, not TOO the hood! Shouldn't evacuation signs be something more like Holy-Shit-Red? Or Exit-Orange? Just like little hands, who takes blue signs seriously? Thanks for reading Mayah!!