Tuesday, August 23, 2005

If you were a teen in 1980 to 1989, you should be in therapy

I know that VH-1 is the primary source for reminding me of all the 80's crap I try to forget. However just recently I hit the trifecta of crap all by my lonesome!

I really cannot explain how this all came together for me, but somehow within the space of a few days it has finally become startling clear to me why so many people I know who came of age in the glorious 80's should be in some form of therapy.

The first clue was I found an old copy of Flowers in the Attic (1979)

The second was watching the movie Red Dawn (1984)

The third was watching the movie Blue Lagoon (1980)

The trifecta of crap.

Flowers in the Attic: This was a book about four middle class kids locked up in their grandparents attic by their mother and grandmother to conceal their existence from Grandfather.

Let me tell you right now - no one read this because they thought it was a classic of American literature.

They read it because the sister and the brother shagged.
And back in the 80's that was pretty titillating stuff.
Are kids these days even allowed to read it anymore?

Red Dawn: Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey pre-Dirty Dancing!
Charlie Sheen pre- Ferris Buellers Day Off!
Lea Thompson pre-Back to the Future!

Ahhh yes, the carefree & heady days of the Reagan "we begin bombing in five minutes" Administration! Red Dawn was this great movie about the Russian invasion of Colorado - easily the most landlocked state in the US.

And I am sure there was a reason for that, a reason that I missed because I was too busy fantasizing about bunking and hunkering down with a young Patrick Swayze. Hot! Hot! HOT!

Although for a long time I really wanted Jennifer Grey's light blue puffy parka.

Blue Lagoon: Oh this movie I saw at the WRONG time!

I saw this movie on channel 56, a hot bed in the 80's for Saturday afternoon trashy movies when I was a pre-teen and all hopped up on hormones.

Here is this movie about two kids stranded on an island who grow up into teens who bonk ALOT, as they should since they are played with vacuous perfection by Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins. So they are flirting and swimming (naked boy pee pee!!!) and bonking, when Brooke suddenly goes moody and headachy and hungry.

Guess who is going to have a baby. Yep, a baby. What the hell message is THAT to send?

The "having a baby" scene cracks me up now - picture a young Brooke Shields making odd grunts and groans while crouched under a tree at night, then after a couple of minutes of "ugh unnnngggghhhh" there comes the unmistakable wail of a newborn which I swear is preceded by a plopping-into-leaves noise. Come the next morning, teen Mom and teen Pop carry a very large and very clean baby back to their split level tiki hut.

At this point the bonking comes to an end (boo hoo!) and I don't remember the ending.

This really is just the tip of the iceberg of crud that is very dear to me for being the pap on which I was raised.

However to all my dear peers, I know for a fact all this messed us up. My proof? In grade school a classmate married her poster of Rick Springfield in a playground ceremony with like 9 attendants. Another classmate stole dimes to prank call "Jenny" from payphones, which I am sure would make Mr. Tuotone very happy. Though I am sure he would have preferred that she just mail him the dimes.

Sing it with me bitches: "wait six seven fyve three ohhh niy-e-eyenn! I gaadit I gaaditt!!!!"

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