Monday, June 16, 2008

What would you do if someone was smoking crack in YOUR backyard?

I am off today, whoo hoo!

And so I am cleaning house a little. As I was cleaning my windows in the back I noticed a woman and a man huddling across the way, next to my neighbors jeep.

Lo and behold she was smoking crack. I sh*t you not.

Trust me, I know crack smoking when I see it.

Then the guy starts making some x-rated moves on her. Now, honestly, I cannot imagine a guy wanting to have sex with a chick who is all gangly-high on crack. She's tossing her hair weirdly and flailing her arms and legs awkwardly. It would be like trying to get it on with a meth-ed up octopus I imagine.

Anyway, I decide to call the police. The po-po for those of you who write for the Globe.

Talk about an AWKWARD conversation.

9-1-1: "State Police, what is the nature of your emergency?"

Me: "Uh there are people smoking crack and trying to have sex behind my house"

9-1-1 "Please hold while I transfer you"

So then I feel like a complete idiot for being so puritanical and putting the kibosh on the canoodle. Especially when they ask what is the nature of the emergency and you have to say sex. Quite literally it is a "f*cking emergency!" Tee hee hee hee!

Oh but then I am transfered to the BPD operator who is a major a**hole and who makes it quite clear that I am completely wasting his time.

BPD 9-1-1: "What are they wearing?"

Me: "Blue jeans, white tee-shirt, blue baseball cap"

BPD 9-1-1: " Slow down! Slow down! Ok, white jeans..."

Then after I provide all the minute details of what they are wearing, he wants to know what they are doing.

Me: "Well, she's smoking crack, he just sold some to another person, and uh now he is trying to have sex with her. Oh, and she's putting on make up in the sideview mirror of my neighbors car."

BPD 9-1-1: "What kind of sex are they having exactly?"

Ah hahahaha, no, not that last line! You'd have to pay me to get that detailed!

Instead I politely explained that by the time I gave the operator all the detailed information, plus a GPS location, and sent photos by text, they'd be long gone. Smoking crack and f*cking in the bushes really doesn't take that long.

With that the operator hung up on me.

Which means that I guess it is ok to smoke crack, sell crack, and pay to get a bl*wjob in the alley.
Who knew?!

Don't worry, next time I will definitely snap some pics!


Anonymous said...

911 is indeed a joke. Thanks for telling it so well.

BFW (Tammy) said...

Get OUT of here!

Too funny...

Lyss said...

What neighborhood do you live in?

I agree with Tammy - get out while you can.

Anonymous said...

Next time, (if you are calling on yr cellphone) call 617-343-4911.
1.Skips the State Police - one less transfer
2.Blocks yr location & phone#
Good luck,

Anonymous said...

I once lived in Bay Village and had the same problem, but it took place on a sunken patio right out side my back door. I called the police and they basically said "so what?" and told me that the next morning I should look for their crack stash and flush it down my toilet. Good advice, right? Esp. considering it would be obvious who took their bag 'o' crack and I'm the one who'd probably get stabbed in the head next time I left my apartment.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a YouTube moment...

Anonymous said...

Ah, but if you photograph them without their prior consent, the crackheads could have you arrested as a peeping tom...

Suldog said...

Amazing. There must be someplace (someone) you can report this to who would care about the service received.

Anonymous said...