Wednesday, July 08, 2009

On being sick

In my universe there are four levels of sick:

Level One: is sick and tired. Happens occasionally. Usually around day 21. Whatevs.

Level Two: is the Screwyou Flu. This dreadful malady hits you the Friday before a long weekend, or slightly less obviously, the Tuesday after a long weekend. I typically get this flu when I've gone too long without a random holiday. Signs of this illness include getting all my work completely done before the end of the day, skipping lunch, and using extra tissues.

Level Three: Allergies. I get them all the time - spring (blooms), summer (heat & dust), fall (leaves), winter (indoors too long). I am also allergic to cats and gods and unloading the dishwasher and filling the gas tank. Anytime I sniffle or cough, it's an allergy.

Level Four: Food poisoning. I cook, I don't follow direction, I will eat cheese that I accidentally left out all night, and I regularly eat stuff a littletinyweenyittybittybit past the expiration date. Oops it's the poops that get me every time! And since I write about food related things I write about this level of sick with alarming frequency (yep I checked). Oddly enough I am therefore totally paranoid about cooking for others, which is why I turn into Baba Yaga at Thankgiving. Yaga, not WaWa. The rule of Level Four is that I only poison myself.

Level Five: SICK. This is when allergies can't be cured with Claritin, or Emergen-c, or garlic, or pho, or spicy food. This is when a virus or bacteria invades your system and there is nothing you can do about it but smash it to bits with severe antibiotics (if it's bacteria that is). Oh and lots of fluids and bedrest. I hardly ever really get to this level. Usually I can garlic, C, or pho my way out of it.

So that is where I am right now, Level Five. And it totally sucks. I am a dreadful patient. I am impatient and it's hard for me to lie in bed all day. I thought I would be a productive sick person and do laundry, but the kibosh was put on that plan because I couldn't even get the laundry together without feeling dizzy and winded.

For the past couple of days I've had a dreadful cough and a sore throat. I haven't been able to eat much because the coughing makes me want to puke. And I can only really eat soft foods because of the throat. Plus I have been drinking about an ocean of water which is good for my skin, but bad because I keep having to go pee and if I don't go right away and I start the uncontrollable coughing, I wet myself a tiny bit. Which is why I was going to do laundry today, since I am quickly running out of underpants.


I f*cking HATE being sick.


Maggie said...

Did I ever tell you that, at my last annual physical, my doc asked me if I had yet started having any incontinence issues? And I've never had kids! yep, that's how old I am; I'm in incontinence range. (the answer was no, by the way..)

Hope you feel better soon, babe!

Anonymous said...

Ran out of undies? Glad you found your bading suit!!