Pick your own apples suckah!

I have to laugh.

Every single year I buy the most expensive apples ever.

This year it was $11 for a peck of apples at Honey Pot Hills. Did you know that a peck is roughly equal to 10-12 lbs of apples, or about 32 medium apples? Now you know.

I did not bring home that many apples this time. This year I only allowed myself to bring home as many as I will actually eat or cook. Not how many I think would look great artfully strewn about the kitchen a la Martha Stewart.

And a gallon of apple cider. Which according to Ennairda's mom will go "hard" if I leave it out under the porch to ferment. Which I've not yet had success with since I drink it way too fast (in a mug and in the micro for a minute, yum!!).

What makes me laugh is that the orchard grows the apples, and then get people to pay them $$$ to pick them for them!

And then there are the hordes to contend with at the "farmstand", which has now evolved into something more akin to a "farmsupermarket". However, the lure of the caramel apple, now called a carmel apple, or maybe a cider donut, is too great and so into the horde we push.

I mean really, if I went to Star Market and saw bags of apples for sale for $11 I'd be like "Are you sh*tting me!!! Get the f*ck out with those expensive apples!"

I got a brand new boyfriend!

This week was the Steve Holy show at the Brewery Exchange in Lowell, MA. Bless his country-fried heart, he drove 22 hours straight from Nashville, going on stage about an hour late.

And even better there were only like 60 people at the whole show. Making it sort of a serenade, it was very cute. Believe me when I say it was special.

He did a hilarious imitation of Tim McGraw, changing the words "don't take the girl" to "don't shoot the squirrel" and using a cowboy hat to great dramatic effect. And of course waited until the very last minute to sing his hit "Brand New Girlfriend" in order to keep the audience in the building.

What I couldn't figure out though was that seeing as how he went on over an hour late, they had all that time to sort out the sound, yet when Steve went on, his mic didn't work. Curious.

And another thing - the Brewery Exchange is a fab place to see a show. They employ a small army of waitstaff to bring food and drink to you at your seat! So civilized!

Thank you pretty gay man!

Sunday night was the salon night out.

Hey, I am always ready for a good time so of course I went.

Except that I was tired and a little confused and in a hurry as usual. So I threw on some clothes and went to the restaurant where I thought we were meeting at 6.

I show up at 6:20.

But no one was there yet because then I realized that we were supposed to meet at 6:30. I chatted with the host for a minute and then went to go drive around the block a few times because it felt too weird to sit at a completely empty bar and drink alone.

As I was strolling out, a good looking fella in chef whites came running up after me" "Miss? Oh Miss!!"

And I (ever the optimist) turned around with a dazzling smile.

"Miss, you have a bunch of tags hanging off your back. It's like toilet paper on a shoe, it's just wrong not to say anything"

Yep. It was true. Sad.
But true.

Thanks Cap't Kenny

How much does a pirate charge for an ear of corn?










A buccaneer!







aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti Day, Tuesday must be Talk Like a Pirate Day!

It's true! It's true!

It cost me 15 cents to find out for sure down the Vineyard, but it was worth it.

Tuesday, September 19th is officially
International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!!!! Whooo hoo!!!

Check out the official website. They even include a section of pirate pick-up lines, with such gems like "That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!"

I think I am going to try that one out at the Steve Holy show on Wednesday night.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!!!!

It's not Comcastic - it's Comcastinks

Can I just tell you that I hate Comcast cable?

It never works properly. The customer service people don't know their ass from their elbow. They usually can't help you over the phone so they have to send out a tech who won't even come by if you don't answer the phone before they show up and when they do are either more helpful than you can imagine, or no help at all.

It Saturday night. I just want to stay in and watch a little tv in my pj's.

How hard could that be?

I am so switching cable providers.

Any suggestions?

2006 Annual Turkey Shoot

A few years back I got obsessed with finding the best tasting turkey EVER since supermarket turkey tastes like chicken to me and you can't eat the neck because of all the hormones and antibiotics they inject via the neck.

I tried them all: brined, kosher, smoked, fried, spatchcocked, flavor-injected, spice-rubbed, cooked at very high heat (hellooo fireman!), cooked in a woodstove, cooked at a low heat, braised, boiled....

Anyway, you get the idea.

Lots of places offered gourmet, organic, free-range, heirloom turkey but I didn't want to pay $5 a pound for something I'd have to mail order anyway.

I found myself turning to GoogleGenie and found the Diemand Farm out in western Massachusetts. And holy crap they have the best turkey I have ever tasted.

Driving out there the first time was an adventure. The farm is out in the back of beyond, in Deliverance country so I kept the car doors locked. But once we got there it was well worth it. Not only do they sell turkey (which needs to be pre-ordered because they process everything by hand - no bleach!) but they have the best devilled eggs and turkey pot pies.

Grandpa, Kimaaaaaay, and I now go each year on what we call "The Turkey Shoot" to pick up Thanksgiving turkeys.

And if you want to order one, and you live in the Boston area, we'll pick yours up too!

Gobble, gobble!

For Sale

OH MY GOD WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THE WHITE NISSAN PICK-UP TRUCK???

It's not that old.
Drives fine.
It's white.
Manual transmission.

C'mon you know you want toooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Just do it.

My Guilty Pleasure

I have a number of guilty pleasures and one among them is the show Bridezillas.

It's a fact that just about all women have a little Bridezilla in them, even if their bridesmaids, sisters, and mothers swear BLIND that their hissy fits are totally justified.

Eh, that's what your friends and family do for you, they lie to make you feel better.
(Although I personally have never had to lie to any of my bride-friends evah, I sweah!)

But there is nothing more car-crash thrilling than watching a grown woman melt down into a puddle of tears, mascara, and f-bombs over a less than perfect corsage for the ring bearer. And their weddings always look SO tacky for all the bitching and moaning that goes on.

Ahhhh, the bleep-bleep-bleeping of a cranked Bridezilla! Certainly scratches that itch anyway.

Patriots 19 - Bills 17

That was a close one.

They were awfully lucky to squeak that one out.

HessFesst Aught-Six

In case you were wondering why there hasn't been a post in four days, it's because I've been away.

At a party called Hess Fest, hosted by Mad Mahk on Maaatha's Vineyahd.

Until the alcohol induced swelling in my cranium goes down, here is the condensed version:

1. I saw my 8th grade English teacher, Mr. Palmer, at the liquor store. I haven't seen him since 8th grade. It was a unique moment really.

2. A baby keg (a keglette really) is called a "gurkle" which is short for "gurkleheimer".

3. Even though it is September, you should still apply SPF liberally when hanging out at the beach.

4. Clamming is really much easier in a bathing suit. Yeah Maaaahk I should have listened to you! But still it was a blast.

5. It's fun to temporarily tattoo little kids with skull and crossed bats logos. No one messes with them at the beach and I am pretty sure no one will be f*cking with them at daycare either.

6. Everyone likes a pirate. Aaaaaaaaahhhhrrrrrrrgggggggg!!!!!!!!!!

7. Drinking beer by lying on a table and having someone hold a beer keg tap open above your mouth seems like good idea for the first 10 seconds or so.

8. Setting up the slip n' slide on the front porch at night is a great way to meet the Oak Bluffs police.

9. Chatting up the nice policewoman while stroking your hairy, sudsy, chest is a great way to get rid of the Oak Bluffs police.

10. A smaller funnel works better than a bigger funnel when constructing a funnelator to launch corn cobs into the trees.

11. When playing Beano, a little more loft and a little less forward is crucial to landing on the board.

12. Next year I absolutely cannot forget the potato gun.

And for those of you who know where a pearl comes from, I will see you on the back porch of the Big House next year. Bring your own hook b*tches!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

$100 million? Check is in the mail!

The John Hancock Tower is for sale.
Hopefully it'll go onto Ebay with a low reserve.

The property package is composed of about 3 million square feet of space - the tower, One Beacon Street, 200 Clarendon, and parking for about 2000 cars.

The tower is about 60 floors tall and boasts amazing city views from, um, about every single window.

Oh yeah - you could totally use the word "stunning" to describe this property.

I know because I am one.

Please, for the love of Tom Brady, PLEASE realtors, salespeople, and brokers:

STOP USING THE FOLLOWING WORD TO DESCRIBE REAL ESTATE:

Stunning

Seriously. It is stunning how annoying that word is!
On craigslist alone there were 319 listings that used that word.

I get it that stunning can be defined as "strikingly beautiful" but that just means that of those 319 ads which use the damn word, 318 of them are using it incorrectly.

Sorry but there is no way that this "brick front home" in Revere is stunning.

W.TF? It's not stunning!


IT'S NOT STUNNING!!!

Bungalow 8 - My Kind of Club

If I were the sort who frequented those kinds of places, I would SO go to Bungalow 8 in New York.

Because they denied Paris Hilton!! Ahhhh hahahahahahah!!!!

Not even being with P.Diddy Doody could help her.

Actually I don't think anything can help Paris.
Or her hatchet-shaped head.

Ick.

She is one mimosa away from turning into Tara Reid.

It's cheap for a reason.

The Fung Wah bus charges $10 bucks to cart yer arse from Boston to New York.

But for $10 bucks there is no guarantee that they will get you there in one piece.

Check it out: Fung Wah Flipparoo!

No wonder they can get you there in about 45 minutes. Turns out they drive about 175 miles per hour, not even slowing down when the engine catches fire or on exit ramps.

Country show round up - yeeee hawwwww!

Ok, so far this year I have been to, and thoroughly enjoyed, the following shows:

George Strait
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
Kenny Chesney
Toby Keith

I have about 6 friends who like country music and this post is for them.
The rest of you can go back to your Scissor Sisters and your Barry Manilow.

For pure old school the George Strait show was excellent. It was a fairly formulaic show, he had four microphones set up on a square stage and sang a song at each. He wasn't to interested in engaging in small talk with the audience but the performance was solid. For an older fellow he still has that sexy cowboy way about him, and all the older ladies in the crowd went about as wild as they were going to go without actually standing up.

This was the third time I have seen Tim McGraw in concert and everytime it's been with my good friend Kimmaaaaayyyyy. Who practically faints when Tim comes out on stage. So really at this stage I go mostly to splash cold water on her face. The Faith and Tim show was excellent. It was well-scripted and they are clearly made for each other and it was impossible not to leave in a great mood. We were seated so close to the stage it felt like we could reach out and pat the two-eggs-in-a-hankie ass that Tim packs into those tight jeans of his. Heeeee hawwwww!!!!

Easily one of the more fun things I got up to this summer was tailgating at the Kenny Chesney/99.5 WKLB Country Festival at Gillette Stadium. From the girl dancing on top of the truck flashing her hillbilly hooters to the parking lot to Ryan's famous steak tips I had a blast. There were a few acts before big gay Kenny came on, but the only one that was a standout was Big & Rich who electrified the audience as usual. I am waiting for them to do their own tour, that will be quite a show! Sadly they were followed by a lackluster Gretchen Wilson who was the last one before Kenny. He loves performing in Boston and it shows. Not only does he spend time in Boston, but his show brought in $4 million dollars in one day, a record at Gillette. Not even the Rolling Stones hit that high water mark.

And finally Toby Keith. Now that show is ALL rock and country. This show was at the Tweeter Center and I got to enjoy Steve Holy on the second stage (he is a great performer, and will be in Lowell on September 20th). Then we went into the Toby show which kicked off with him firing off a blast from a cannon(?) that shot out Toby-dollars. Scared the crap outta me though. He played all the songs I wanted to hear and then some. He also loves playing New England and we were all sure glad to see him. Too bad about the stupid drunk kids in front of us, one of whom kept awkwardly trying to kiss his buddy before throwing up on the row in front of him. But it was fun to watch.

So cowboys and girls, that's the country concert round up as it stands so far. Hopefully I can get in one or two more before the year is out. Maybe Steve Holy, hopefully Big & Rich....

Like the tee shirt says: sorry cowboy, in my corral, 8 seconds ain't no ride!

5 days, 14 hours, 42 minutes and 2 seconds

Until the Pats-Bills game.

Whoo hoo!!

Can you believe it is already September!

Oh dear.

I am watching the MTV Video Music Awards and all I can say is who?

Half the clips have me thinking: they sing that? huh!

I feel totally out of it.

Wow - it's posting #200! whoo hoo!!

Anyway, guess what?

The SatanMobile (which magically healed itself) has a crush.

Yep, it's a fact - the SatanMobile has a crush on a dark red Toyota Tacoma pick up truck.

I am currently temping at a local sports station and everytime I park in the front lot the SatanMobile autopilot parks next to the Tacoma.

Even if the Tacoma is parked all by itself at the far end of the lot.

It's getting to be a little embarassing for me. I am nervous that there might be an unfortunate fender-humping incident one of these days.

Anyone in the market for a horny, permanently heated, Volvo wagon with 207K miles and two owners?

Holy Barf-ah-roni!

Yuck, yuck, yuck, and more yuck.

Did you know that there is more than one Extreme Makeover show?

I turned on the tv and the index said "Extreme Makeover" and I totally thought it was Extreme Home Makeover.

But then suddenly there was this man burning this woman's face and then wiping off the dead skin and she'd PAID him to do this to her! Before I could change the channel he'd made an incision near her boobie and was wiggling his finger in and around to make room for an implant.

BLECCH!!!!!

Gahhh, barfola!

What the?!?! Who the!?!?!? Are you high?

I read two newspapers, the Boston Herald and the Boston Globe because it's good to have balance.

(In Boston there are those who swear that the Globe is for bleeding heart over-the-river liberals with their heads up their asses, and others who swear that the Herald is for those Masshole retaahds who spend half their day screaming at the car radio during drive-time talk shows.)

Anyway, today the Herald is covering an incident which took place at the Ella Baker House. It would seem that a teenage girl was raped by an employee and rather than call police or DSS immediately, the person who founded the center, Reverend Eugene Rivers, preferred instead to call the mother and have a meeting to discuss the incident and to pray.

It would seem that the rapist/employee (who is 32) originally paid the girl for sex and when she decided to end or change the arrangement, he forced her.

This hardly seems like the safe haven for troubled teenagers that it is supposed to be. There is a reason adults are not allowed to have sex with minors. If he is 32 and she is 15, is that less worse than 30 and 13, or 28 and 11, or 23 and 6?

So the end result is that a crime was committed. Not a misunderstanding, not an accident, not a mistake - a crime. And crime gets reported to the police.

Can you imagine how this summer would have been if instead of reporting homicides to the police, people got together to discuss the crime, to pray about it instead of dialling 9-1-1?

It's bad enough that the Ella Baker House, which is supposed to be a haven for kids living in high-crime neighborhoods, is instead a place that takes hundreds of thousands of dollars from the city and state and then thinks they are above the law?

Some people will think that the victim is lying. Some people will think that the victim is truthful.

But it's never a good idea to take the law into your own hands. If a teenager says she was raped by a staff member, call the cops. Don't put the employee on administrative leave while you sort out the details and then counsel the victim yourself.

And if you don't read the Herald, here is the article from the Globe (Boston.com).

Birds on Crack

Some of you may remember an old post here on the 'rag about how I started feeding birds in my backyard.

Did you know that once you start feeding them you can't stop? You literally cannot stop, ever.

People say elephants have a long memory, but it's NOTHING compared to the memory of a sparrow.

So now I am committed to about 10 pounds of birdseed and two suet blocks a week to the swarm of birds that have set up camp in the trees in my backyard.

It's ridiculous.

Today I pulled up and there were about forty pissed off and soaking wet birds perched in my forsythia bush waiting for me to refill the feeder.

They were like "Muthaf*ckah! Where's my fix bi*ch!!".

Sort of I don't blame them - who'd want to peck a worm out of the dirt when some dumb blond is feeding you premium seed.

Hah!

NahNahNahNah! NahNahNahNah! HeyHeyHey! Goodbye!!!!

I love football. And I love my sister for taking me to last night's pre-season Pats game against the Redskins.

I had a f*cking BLAST!!!!

We got there in time to watch the Redskins run out onto the field. (Booooooooooooo!!!!) and then the Patriots came a'running out (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!)

Oh yeah and when we got to our seats, turns out we were sitting near a clot of Redskin fans (Boooooooooo!).

Tim, Mike, the big guy, the old guy, and the kid. They were fun, in a drunken Redskin fan at Gillette sort of way, except for the kid - he was sober.

Although curiously enough, Tim the Redskins fan, kept flicking me in the face. Not in a painful way, but in an awkward "stop touching my face way". And um then there was the bird-flipping, he kept flipping me the bird and then I'd flip him the bird, and then he'd flip me the bird, and so on. Highly amusing!

What you don't get on tv is the announcer saying "And that's ANOTHER Patriots...." and the fans all scream "FIRST DOWN!!!!!!!!!"

I love that. (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

Another thing they don't show on tv are the militia men who stand at the endzones and fire off muskets when the Patriots score. Thrilling stuff!!

Well now I am addicted. I CANNOT wait until the next time I can get to a game.

Oh yeah, and before I forget, thanks to the guy who sat next to my sis during the second quarter who kept up a steady stream of instructions to the team (Hit HIMMMM!!!! HIIIIT HIMMM!!! HITTTT HIMM ANNYYYYWAYYY!!!!!!). That's how it's done and we had a great laugh sitting with you!

Oh yeah and one LAST thing.... as it turns out they put the number for the Patriot Cheerleaders in the game day program and we got Tim the Redskins fan to call. I wonder if he'll ever hear back.

Bad bad boy, you get what you deserve.

While the jury wasn't convinced it was racially motivated, the judge sure saw what was before him!

Josiah Spaulding the Third was sentenced today for beating two black girls at a train station.

He didn't get prison time mind you. And yes, at first that concerned me too.

But then I read the part about the judge sentencing him to, among other things, having his Nazi tattoos removed.

I saw this guy at court when I was on jury duty and I will tell you that a) he looks like a complete dork and b) he had to wear his shirt collar buttoned all the way up to cover up those tattoos!

He is going to wish he got prison time.

You can look for yourself at the different types of removal methods (http://www.patient-info.com/tattoo.htm). I caution you - it's gross. It's basically peeling skin off. Bleah!

Lindsay Lohan for Mayah!

Politicians in Boston are something like celebrities.

They all start off so adorable and lovable and sweet.
And after a while they begin to believe their own hype.
And become enraptured with their own fabulousness.

It's, like, ohmigod, totally annoying!!


(Seriously, all politicians should be pushed out after three years.
After three years they all seem to turn to sh*t.
I'm just saying...)

You MUST be kidding me!

Gah!! The Mayah nevah ceases to surprise me.

Check out the cover of Wednesday's Boston Herald:

It makes me want to cry.

Mumbles takes a stroll through Dorchester and LO AND BEHOLD!!! a gunman goes racing by him, only TEN FEET AWAY from the Mayah.

How could he have missed!!!

No I am kidding sort of. But really, this smells like a four day old fish.

What kind of publicity stunt was that??

The Mayah goes for a bells n' whistles tour of one of the toughest neighborhoods in Boston, scene of many a crime and it just would look stupid if all he came away with were daisies and candy!

No.... I think someone on Team Menino thought this one up.

Read the article here.

And how is that for a stupid picture of Mumbles looking fierce!
Or pehaps dare I say, brazen?

Cafe Sua Part Deux

What you see here is a Vietnamese coffee maker. Or crack pipe. Whatever.

Anyway, you pop the lid off, pull out the filter, spoon in a few teaspoons of Cafe du Monde, screw the filter back in, set the whole unit on top of a cup, pour boiling water in the top, and wait.

In a few minutes you will have the most delicious cup of coffee. And like any true addict I take one hit and instantly want another. It's pretty remarkable that I am not up 24 hours a day.

The contraption costs about $3.
Cafe sua on demand, priceless!

A ha!

So finally the mystery of fantasy football has been revealed to me, courtesy of a fabulous cocktail waitress.

Now I have a new mystery to solve: Laguna Beach.

W.T.F? Is that a real show, a "real" show, or a reality show?

I am so confused.

But possibly I am getting a little addicted....


PS: You can look up my fantasy football team on CBS SportsLine. I call them the Roxbury Manglers. Go team!

Joke time AGAIN

This joke is courtesy of my bud Daphne.
Have fun in Florida b*tch!

@#$%^&%$#$%^&*^%$#%^&

I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because the last time I did it I'd ended up in the hospital awakening in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, IVs in both arms, a terrible headache and having lost 50 pounds.

I then proceeded to tell her that it was however a perfect diet. That the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.

--- I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. ---

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Because you AND Nek kept asking.

Hey Ennairda - since you and Nek and Lihp (because he happened to be there) were asking...

It's 620 days from the day I was born to the day my sister was born.

That's 1 year, 8 months, and ten days.
Or for you parents out there that's 19 months and 10 days.


Which is equal to about 53,568,000 seconds, or about 892,800 minutes, or around 14,880 hours. Give or take-ish.

Don't worry, these calculations were not done through the scientific genius of Annamath. Rather I used the time and date duration calculator.

I don't know why, but I like that calculator very much...

Turn the heat UP!

I am so not ready for the winter. I am solar-powered and the thought of cold and snow and raw and leafless trees is FLIPPING me out!

This was taken from my kitchen window.
Looking out over my backyard.

That's like four feet of drifted snow.
Gad!









Remind me again why I don't live in Hawaii?

One Man's Trash...

Is another man's treasure!

First things first: Did you read the one about the guy who fell into a vat of chocolate last week? Yeah, he was stuck in a vat of melted chocolate and in order to get him out of the gooey muck they had to thin out the goo with cocoa butter.

I bet his girlfriend was THRILLED to see him later on that night!

Chocolate dipped boyfriend, they should all come like that.

Then the second item comes from Rob about a chocolate Virgin Mary.

Hmmmm.

It would seem that a gourmet chocolatier out near Hollywood found a chocolate Virgin Mary under a vat of chocolate.

I've seen the photos and personally I don't see it. At first glance I thought it looked more like an owl, or a falcon. But what the f*ck do I know.

Here is the link to the story and pics: Chocolate Virgin Mary

Every now and then...

This was sent to me by my dear friend Muffy.
You may have seen it before.
But it makes me laugh everytime.
I mean really, who hasn't thought this at least once!

Well I guess THAT explains it!

Turns out the rank smell coming off the Charles River is an algae.

A nasty poisonous algae.

Fatal if consumed in enormous quantities, but a teacupful will just give you the trots.

Which quite frankly I always thought was true about Charles River water.

Ugh, yuck!

Sometimes ignorance IS bliss

I am trying to enroll at the University of Massachusetts here in Boston.

It is my theory that UMass-Boston could be a terrific school for Bostonians. However I swear that the school is really just an incubator for Boston politicians.

And you know how I feel about them.

One day I went to drop off my transfer application. I bring it to one office, they send me to another office, and the attitude was really one of I should go f*ck myself because clearly I am a major inconvenience.

Oh yeah and even though I am there for about 15 minutes it's six bucks to park because they've decided to go flat fee on the parking rates.

Then I have to go in a different day and drop off my program application. I've carefully filled in all the boxes and go to the program department to turn it in.

The brusque woman who takes my application glances at it and tells me I need to provide a personal statement. Even though in the personal statement area it clearly says to complete only for school of management and for nursing.

But there is no pointing that out to her, as far as she is concerned I can just go f*ck myself until I turn in an application complete with personal statement.

This trip takes me 20 minutes and six more dollars, plus the $25 fee for the application. Oh yeah and ANOTHER $25 for re-admission into the school.

Then there was the boring and useless orientation that really wasn't much different from the informational session I had to attend when I first wanted to apply ($6 and $6). But I still had to sit through it and listen to brusque lady tell us how fabulous she was and how terrific the program is and how once she got there, she never left.

Ugh.

So now I am trying to log onto the completely user-UNFRIENDLY college web. It is the product of web designer who went crazy and forgot that they were creating a system that ordinary people have to use. So basically it is a completely useless system for all but about 20 people.

I was supposed to log on and do some registration confirmation crap.

I plugged in my user name and password. An error message popped up telling me to change my password.

Ok.

But I can't use any of my past 24 passwords.

Or any variation of my name.

And it has to be at least 8 characters.

And one character has to be a number.

And one character has to be capitalized.

And one character has to be the letter M for Menino.
(just kidding on that last one)

Plus you have to change the stupid password like every fourteenth use.

I am just not that smart.

It's hard. I want to support my local school. I agree with the theory. However, dealing the school is similar to dealing with the city. I have the same allergic reaction when I go to do business at city hall.

Get in and get out - that's what I say.

Vroom!! Vrooom!!!

There is a reason I drive (drove) a Satan-mobile beater.

It's because otherwise I would have my licensed revoked for speeding.

When I was 18 I drove a friend's car home from a post-prom party. I think the car was a Mercedes. Whatever it was it sat at 80mph like I was gliding along at 40 and it felt great. Like crack. One hit and all you wanted was more.

So I drive (drove) a beater that wheezes and shudders at 65mph and avoid temptation altogether.

Unlike the State Attorney General in New Jersey.

As it turns out not only does she have a leadfoot, but she's had 12 speeding tickets, 4 bench warrants for her arrest, and her license has been suspended 3 times.

You can see why she wanted to help out her boyfriend who had been busted for speeding himself.

A special investigation determined that she violated state ethics laws by fixing her boyfriends speeding ticket.

Duh.

I think that the last line of the CNN article sums it up quite nicely:

"She is incapable of leading the fight against official misconduct and abuse of power because her conduct indicates that she does not even recognize what those things are," said state Republican chairman Tom Wilson.

No sh*t

Going for gold.

Hopefully I never get sued by AOL for spamming because it would really piss my Mom off if they dug up her backyard.

Just like Davis Hawke's mom.

AOL successfully sued Mr. Hawke for sending millions of spam emails to AOL customers. AOL was awarded $12 million bucks for the trouble but have yet to collect a penny.

(By the way, do you think any of the spammed customers will see a penny? I dowdit!)

Anyway, somehow AOL has gotten it in to their head that Mr. Hawke buried a crapload of gold and platinum bars in his parents backyard. And they plan to did them up.

How much do you want to bet that his folks have already dug 'em up and squirreled 'em out once they heard of AOL's plans...

AOL will be digging shortly and I think it'd be a hoot to go see what they turn up.

Money can't make some people happy.

In fact it seems to me that money makes people stupid.

There is a story on Boston.com today that makes me laugh. It's about a rich couple from California who moved to Hingham.

Hingham is an old seaside on the coast south of Boston. For a long time it has been a pretty exclusive old money sort of town. Lots of houses in Hingham have little plaques on the front with the date they were built.

Let's just say you don't see many 1977's or 1981's.

The problem is that to get to being old money, you have to first be new money. Old money folks can't cope with new money folks, because no one likes to be reminded of their humble beginnings. It's a vicious cycle really.

Then like any wealthy town, there are the no money folks, the shopkeepers and waitresses and receptionists and town employees.

It's the only thing that old and new money can do together, look down on the no money people.

Anyway, the article I am referring to is about a couple who bought a house on the water. They basically just bought the land, because they promptly tore down the existing structure and put a brand new $1.3 million dollar home.

Happens all the time.

Except that what this couple did was close off the lane that went to the beach in front of their house. They wanted to make it so that only abutters and a few locals could access the beach.

Problem is that no one has put a restriction on access in 20 years. So of course the locals are pissed. Not only that, but the new owners sent their lawyer to talk to the neighbors instead of going themselves.

And the new owners don't get why people are mad.

The way I see it is that if you have that much to spend on a place, buy on a private beach, not near a town where people can just walk over. Because then just anyone can stroll over for a dip.

Don't try to pick and choose which locals can use the beach. If you open it to some people, you're going to have to open it to everyone. It's not like a nightclub, it's friggin' nature!

It's poor form to bulldoze your way into a neighborhood and ram your show of excess down peoples throats. If all your money can't buy you some sugar, then you should expect sh*t to be more difficult for you.

I know plenty of people who've built (in my opinion eye-sore) McMansions, and they've been very nice to their neighbors, and been as sensitive as economically possible so that in the end everyone thinks they've gotten things their way.

And quite frankly it's HINGHAM for crying out loud! What sort of riff-raff exactly are they trying to keep out? Board shorts out, bermuda shorts in? People please!

To Miz. Fabulous - my #1 Fan

Ok, ok, I know that in reality my mother is my number one fan, but I had breakfunch with Miz. Fabulous today and she said she is my number one Sham-fan.

So I had to give her a little sham-love for that. Thanks baby! Love ya!

PS: The blondilocks look makes you look WIKKED hot! Seriously!
Anyone want to meet a very hot schoolteacher with a killer smile? Let me know!
Naughty! Naughty!

Union fraud? Duh!

I think it's funny that anyone is surprised that the longshoremen's local is under indictment for payroll fraud.

It's like getting Al Capone for tax evasion.

Unions can't help but be corrupt in some way. It's the nature of the beast really. Unions all suffer from the same affliction of greed that their union members are supposed to be protected from.

If the longshoremen union was honest, they would have reported the member who put his 2 year old son to work on the payroll. Because that is worker exploitation to the extreme.

He lied? Really? Get out!

The Boston Geraldo is really going to town on the Modern Memo Scandal over at the Bawstin Gloob.

For the 94.5% of you who have no clue what the hell I am talking about, here is a brief synopsis:

1st - A great big concrete panel fell from the ceiling of a Big Digsaster tunnel, killing a woman.

2nd - A political showdown ensues while traffic turns into a massive clusterf*ck.

3rd - Everyone tries to fix the problem while blaming each other.

4th - A international man of mystery releases a memo that he wrote back in the day (when he was the safety dork at Modern Continental) saying that the tunnels were in fact made out of curds and whey and god help us all.

5th - The Bawstin Gloob publishes this Modern Memo and is all high and mightily proud.

6th - Modern Continental (gasping carcass of a business these days) wheezes back to life just enough to say the memo is a fake.

7th - The Boston Geraldo has multiple orgasms at their sudden good fortune.

8th - The Boston Geraldo figures out that the int'l man of mystery is actually from a little town east of Southie called Galway. Where he didn't attend university or serve in the military like he said he did.

9th - An Irish guy taking the mickey on a bunch of uptight Bawstin blowhards - seems like something I've seen before...

I can't wait to see where this is going to end up.

And the Big Dig still sucks!

So after discovering that the bolts are duct taped in, Metro Mitt had some safety tests done. Sounds like the test was the kind where they sort of tugged on the concrete panels to see if they'd come tumbling down.

Sort of like testing a newly erected swing set by having a few goes on it yourself before Junior gets a go.

Well now Bechtel (the engineers behind the Big Digsaster construction) informed Metro Mitt that safety testing the concrete slabs is making them unsafe.

Get the f*ck out! Really?

Well if you ask me, that is just bad engineering.

When a Hummer just won't do.

A recent article in the Noo Yolk Times pointed out that there is whole new leisure class in the skies: those who upgraded right up and out of first class and straight into private class.

Yep. These days having a super-cocoony Escalanche drive you right up to your private jet is the only way to travel darlings. Simply the only way! Damn the costs! Fuel conservation? That's for losers baby!

Huh.

You know, they say that Warren Buffet used to travel anonymously in economy class and this is the guy who is so friggin' rich he gave his money to Bill Gates to get rid of it. Not only that, but his kids are rich so that he doesn't even have to sort out an inheritance to leave them.

Compared to a money manager who feels entitled to fly private class, I'd rather put my money in Buffet's hands any day.

In this day and age, it just sort of seems like such a dreadful waste. But then, maybe that's just sour grapes.

Well, no, I prefer flying in a big BIG plane that has a lesser chance of smashing apart into tiny bits on impact.

Here's a question.

Did anyone else notice that the Charles River smelled unusually bad yesterday?

I know that I am supposed to "love that dirty water" but yesterday (Monday 8/7) it smelled like a rotten egg stuffed into a moldy sock wrapped in a sweat-soaked jock strap that had been tied to a corpse and left in the midday sun.

Yuck.

Stupid Tuesdays

Ok - so I am at a loss today.

Can someone please post a link to a funny story?
Or post a joke?

I think last night's Dark n' Stormy's messed with my funny bone.

Fo'shizzle.

One last joke for the weekend.

A rabbi walks into a bar with a real beauty of a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: Nice! Where'd you get that?

And the parrot says: Brooklyn! There's hundreds of 'em!

What!!! That's NOT funny!

I watched "The Aristocrats" again today.

I wish I were a comedian so that I could tell my version of that joke to someone. Because if you just tell it to a random person they are going to think you are not at all funny. In fact they'd likely call the cops and take away your kids.

Billy Connolly is hilarious for the simple fact that he cannot keep a straight face - ever!

Sarah Silverman keeps a completely straightface.

The South Park version is worth thr rental.

Made me laugh. Hit the spot perfectly.

Satan's Revenge

A few posts down I was sort of making fun of the Satan-Mobile.

The reason that you should never, never, never tease Satan is that his revenge is swift and to the point.

Today, running late as usual, I went out to the car and guess what?

F*cker wouldn't start.

Of course.

The dash lights all come on, and when I turn the ignition it just goes click click.

Of course.

Satan, I hate you, but I am sorry! I swear!

I will never make fun of the Blue Bomber again!

PS: Anyone out there know how to make it go click click VRROOM?

I love parrot jokes.

This was originally sent to me by my friend El Presidente. I still think it's f*cking hilarious.

*********************************

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird but the parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious and storms off to work.

On the way home she sees the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are still really ugly."

She is incredibly ticked now and stomps her way home.

The next day on the way to work she again sees the same parrot and again it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady is so steamed that she storms into the store and threats to sue the store and have the bird killed.

The store manager apologizes profusely and promises the bird will never say it again.

The next day, the lady walked past the store and the parrot squalks, "Hey lady."

She pauses with an icy stare, "Yes?!".

The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, says, "You know!"

George W. Bush - What the..?!?!?

My friend Johnny K is back from vay-cay and all I can say is "IT'S ABOUT TIME BRO!"

Glad you're back to blogging handsome!

Ok, so maybe you are wondering about the JK-GWB connection?

Well a while back he posted this link to a comparison between GWB from about ten years ago with the current GWB 2.0

JK suggests that stress could be a factor, I suspect that cocaine & alcohol have something to do with it.

You decide: GEORGE W. BUSH 1994 vs GEORGE W. BUSH 2004

only 900 more days left!

Super 88 - It's a SUPER market!

I love the Super 88 market.

Smells like a fishermans foot, sells economy sized boxes of Pocky, and for less than $20 I can walk out with quite a bit of food.

Today's trip cost me about $17.64.

I got rice noodles, pho base, a big bag of juicy black plums, 2 packages of waffle cookies, a bag of instant ca phe sue packets, a bottle of soy sauce, a bunch of cilantro, five limes, a tub of fresh tofu, and some other things that now I can't remember.

Yay Super 88!

Why I don't want to go home today.

I am afraid to leave the office today.

The office temperature is about 43 degrees.
The outside temperature is about 93 degrees.

Something bad is going to happen when I go outside, I just know it.

Earlier when I went out to get some lunch, going from inside to outside, created an instant layer of condensation on my skin.

No it was NOT sweat.

Can't wait to get into Satan's Automobile though.

Further Misadventures in Satans Automobile

As some of you may know, I drive Satan's automobile.

Not that the car is possessed or anything, it's just that if Satan were to emerge from Hell and roam the earth, he would do so in the Blue Bomber.

Why? Well let's just say that the Bomber lacks air conditioning and the heat vents are missing the clamps that regulate the heat flow. When I drive, sometimes it feels like Satan's dog is sitting under the steering column, panting at me.

So yesterday when I was sitting in traffic heading back in to Boston on the Expressway, it was pretty toasty.

I would like to extend a special shout out to the man driving the truck beside me who said "hey, why are your windows down? Why don't you have the ac on? What are you crazy?"

After I said "too bad for me, the ac is broken", he offered me a beer.

Besides, Satan won't let me run the ac.

Push it, you know you want to.

Ugh, the Staples Easy button.

Yeah, I pushed it.

Nothing happened though.

Bummer.

Hollywood ADHD

At first I thought the whole Mel Gibson "is a misogynist, an alcohol soaked bigot who drives around hammered" story pretty funny.

But now I am annoyed at the all the stone throwers who think Mel should be run out of Hollywood on a rail. So what if he is an insensitive racist anti-semite bible-thumper. Hmm, sounds like most of the White House admin to me.

Let's have a looky-loo around Hollywood, see who all else should be run outta town on that rail shall we??

Well, how about Angelina Jolie. She knew Brad was married to Jen, but what did she do? She went after him anyway. Do the math, they were certainly dorking while Brad & Jen were still hitched. Just because she buys third world babies doesn't make her smell more like a rose.

President George W. Bush was arrested for driving sh*tfaced in Maine back when he was 30. And one time he said that he hadn't used coke since 1992, but then another time he claimed to have not tooted a little coke since 1974. Ummmm ok.

What about Hugh Grant who picked up a cross-dressing hooker even though he was dating Elizabeth Hurley. Hmmm, who else picks up whores? Eddie Murphy did. So did George Michael.

Michael Jackson anyone? He sees no problem in sleeping with little boys. Ick. Ick. Ick. But I don't see anyone throwing out their Thriller albums.

Yeah, everyone can just calm down about Mel. He's an actor and a fruitloop. Now he's in rehab and taking all the fun out it.

What in Tarnation Baby?!?!

Good old Mitt Romney, he goes out to Iowa and tries to ingratiate himself with the denizens of the red belt by referring to the "Big Dig" as "The Tar Baby".

Whoops!

For anyone who doesn't know, the term "tar baby" means "a situation or problem from which it is virtually impossible to disentangle oneself". To many it has a derogatory connotation, those reasons are explained here.

And when I went looking for the particular quote in the speech on Boston.com, the following ad pops up:


Now that is just unfortunate.

As to the quote that is causing a brouhaha (can I still use that term?), here it is:

"The best thing for me to do politically is stay away from the Big Dig -- just get as far away from that tar baby as I possibly can"

Ahhhhh hahahahahahahah!

Awful Alchol - Why do I love you so?

Ha ha, Mel Gibson got caught drinking and ranting!!!

Turns out he has an ego the size of Delaware, is anti-Semitic, and a drunk-driver.

Bad boy!

But then I have to laugh because everyone seems so surprised and shocked. Whatever.

Hey, when you drink you do stupid sh*t.

Who hasn't experienced the peculiar awkwardness of drunk dialing. I've drunk dialled and I've been drunk dialled and both are funny after about 12 hours.

Or drunk confessions. For me personally it takes about three beers before the beer googles come down. Sad but true that I have confessed undying devotion to the most wildly inappropriate people after several bevvies.

Or even better, drunk decision making. At Thanksgiving my entire drunken family and our equally drunken friends planned an elaborate trip that went from Dubai to Albania to the vineyards of France, on to Argentina, and a few other places beyond. Sounded completely reasonable to me. Heck, I am STILL waiting for my tickets.

People do cringe-worthy stuff under the influence. It's a fact of the substance.

Now everyone is talking about how Mel Gibson's career is completely over. And I say, GET OVER IT.

Granted I much prefer his Mad Max stuff to his Mad Jesus tangent, but that's just me.

It's in writing, it must be true.

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe what I read in the tabloids. About 47% of what is written in the likes of the National Enquirer, US Weekly, People, what have you, is typically true. And usually it is true even though celebrities would like it to NOT be true.

Anyway, it is being reported that Heather Mills is being divorced from Sir Paul McCartney for being a complete scheming shrew. He is a dumbass for marrying in haste and without a pre-nup, but he is an even bigger donkey for not paying any attention whatsoever to all the reports that came out before their marriage that she was a nasty ole gold-digger. She was pretty uniformly disliked by everyone, he should have twigged, he's an idiot.

Look at Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey -the tabloids knew they were heading for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E before they were even aware there was a problem.

Or Lance Bass. Gayer than a Christmas cocktail, and there again, the tabloids knew then too! I wonder when Justin is going to find out he boinked Lance back in 1999.

And lastly, it's clear that K-Fed is aware of the clairvoyant tendancies of the press because he was pretty quick in getting rid of $ean Pre$ton's hot Manny!

While I thoroughly enjoy World Weekly News and enjoy reading it outloud to others, I know that it's total false crap. I knew that even before they started to include the disclaimer at the front of the magazine that explicitly states that all the articles are in fact bullsh*t.

So long Cosmic Muffin.

Growing up in Boston there are three things from the radio that I will never forget, even when I am a palsied, moth-eaten old biddy.

Number One: The KISS-108 morning show jingle, sing it with me people!!

"Eeeeveryyyyday, I'ma maaaaaakin' ma waayyyyy to Maaatty... in th'mornin!"

Number Two: Sunny Jo White, my first and only crush on a DJ who got me to listen to Donna Summer and Hot Chocolate. Although Arnie "Woo Woo" Ginsberg (It's solid gold!) sticks out as a close second.

Number Three: Darrell Martinie, the official astrologer of Massachusetts, also known as the Cosmic Muffin. Sadly he passed away last week and that is too bad. He used to get on the radio and give these complicated astrological reports like "well mercury is in retrograde and that's going to cause conflict in the rising house of aquarius". Huh? Couldn't he just say "hey all you Pisces, be careful today and you'll be lucky in love tomorrow"?

But the Cosmic Muffin made you think and he had a great on-air personality and I always believed that if the Russians were going to nuke us, the Muffin would alert us during his daily morning report.

Somehow now the world seems a little less safe.

Cyanoacrylate - Not Just for Huffing Anymore!

Maybe instead of using duct tape to secure the tunnel bolts, they should have used cyanoacrylate to hold it up.

Cyanoacrylate is the technical term for Krazy Glue, or Super Glue. It is an acrylic resin that forms an instant bond when it comes in contact with the hydroxyl ions found in water. It is alleged that one square inch of cyanoacrylate can hold one ton.

A more detailed explanation can be found on HowStuffWorks.

Hmmmmm.

You might remember this guy:









He was the guy who Krazy Glued himself to an I-beam.

Personally I was more impressed with the Super Glue ad that featured a car glued to a crane and being hoisted into the air, but whatever.

It's just that if they're going to spend five bucks on a roll of tape, why not spend five bucks on glue? Especially where the glue has such superior holding power!

All this talk about glue makes me want to go and huff a little mucilage.

Quacks, Waddles, Floats.

Must be a duck.

Or in this case Matt Amarello.

This is the man who heads the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority. Which if you don't know, is not funded by state or federal funds, but rather by toll revenue, air rights, and advertising. Which pretty much makes it a great big private road.

Yes, that's where your Turnpike tolls go. Straight back to Fat Matt.

These days Fat Matt is fighting to keep his quarter million a year job. This is not the first time either. Problem is that this time he is fighting Metro Mitt, our Ken-doll governor, and he is pissed! It's like watching a Slim Jim wrestle a marshmallow.

The difference is that this time the MTA's incompetence has killed a person, and from what is coming to light, it is only by some stroke of macabre luck that more people were not killed.

Not only does the MTA manage the Turnpike, but it also oversees that quagmire of money and shoddy construction known as the Big Dig. From the beginning Matt Dumbarello has resisted any kind of third party evalutation or oversight, and that smells bad to me.

And to anyone who grew up with siblings, let me remind you that when you were a kid and you punched your brother or sister in the face and they ran to tell on you, didn't you crap your pants a little? Because even though you were your own person, your parents could still tell you what to do. This smells like a kid who crapped in his pants to me.

For those of you who don't know, the Turnpike is the highway that goes from one end of the state to the other the long way. For a major roadway used by thousands of people everyday, it is suspicious that Matt won't let anyone in to check out what's going on.

Especially now when it turns out that the tunnel system seems to be crumbling back into the Habah.

People Please!

I will be glad when this month is over.

Yesterday a young woman was shot just about a mile from where I live.

A family member of hers lives on my street and my heart goes out to the family.

Four years ago the young woman's brother was shot in exactly the same spot, at the same time of day. What the hell is going on here?

With all the guns on the street and the complete disregard for society by a few rotten apples, where is the outrage?

Why I don't live in the GD suburbs!!!! Gah!!!!

Today I am working out at this great company in a town west of Boston.

Really, I don't like to travel more than about a mile past the city limits, but today I did. And boy was I ever reminded of WHY I don't travel more than a mile past the city limits.

So there I am going along in the Blue Bomber at a comfy 65 mph (the Bomber is old and wheezy, 65 is like lightspeed for the poor fella).

I am about to get off at my exit when suddenly I have to slam down on the brakes to avoid smashing into the car in front of me, and the car that is suddenly now beside me, cars are screeching to near halts and swerving all over the place. Iced coffee shoots from the cup holder, spraying across the front windshield, the smell of something burning fills the car, the semi behind me is trying not to fishtail, and my stomach has turned into liquid jelly.

Holy near major pile up!

Thankfully no one is smushed at that time, and I look to see what is causing everyone to scatter at high speeds....

THREE GEESE!!!! Three friggin' geese on the highway!!!!

Dumb birds! Dumb people!

I actually called the State Police. What a stupid sounding called that must have been.

You would never see this in the city, thank you very much.

Ca phe sua da

It is fair to say that I have eaten enough Vietnamese food to build a land bridge from San Diego to Saigon.

However, due to my inability to read Vietnamese, my palate hasn't really expanded across the menu too dramatically.

Turns out though that my neighbor Triet is from Vietnam and more than willing to be my culinary guide. Wooh haa!!

The first thing he introduces me to is some funky liquid-jell0 chunks-noodle thing (drink/dessert? not sure exactly). I think that Sister and I met something similar at an Indian restaurant one time. Some odd concoction involving rose syrup and angel hair pasta...

But it was the second thing that he introduced me to that really made my heart go pitter-pat. It's a lovely thick iced espresso drink called ca phe sua da (caffe suda). It's made in a little funny looking pot and stirred together with condensed milk and served over ice.

Holy crap, it's my new crack.

It's sad that I want one at 8pm on Sunday night.

I wonder what time the restaurant opens tomorrow morning...

I Heart Michael Mann

If you're wondering why I am in on an icky humid rainy Saturday night, I have two words for you: MIAMI VICE.

Yep, tonight they are running the pilot episode and let me tell you, after all this time the theme song, with the synthesized drum lead in and the opening montage of Miami STILL gives me major goosebumps.

For a geeky frozen New England teenager, the prospect of running away to Miami and living the high life with Crockett and Tubbs was second only to running away with Duran Duran.


Sunshine, pastels, bikinis, fast boats, beaches, cocaine, guns, and stucco - heady stuff!

Michael Mann has the ability to capture a look on film in a way that no one else can. Dark, sleek, forward moving, macho - I can't explain it, but damn, I love it.

Results 1 - 10 of about 15,000,000 for duct tape

A while back my sister and I had the privilege of sharing a red 'Vette.

















Granted it was a Chevette, but it went forward and backward and that's all that was pretty much required of it.

However, the 'Vette had previously been my Dad's car. His theory is that as autos have no appreciation value, you might as well drive them into the ground.

Therefore by the time the car was passed onto us it had lost the power steering and the power brakes, and parts of the engine were wrapped in duct tape, among other things. To come to a complete stop you had to press the brake pedal all the way to the floor and use the steering wheel for leverage. It's embarrassing how many people we "kissed" with the car.

Why on earth would I be thinking about this now you wonder?

Well repairing engines with duct tape is apparently a pretty common thing among people who know stuff about engines and crap. Coming from a girl who has to have confirmation that motor oil goes into the hole marked engine oil, you can see how I am impressed.

I knew about duct tape before I knew about scotch tape. Sometimes birthday presents came taped up with duct tape. And one of the things that frustrated me at an early age was the fact that if you don't know what you are doing, duct tape tears the long way. And that mysteriously women often use it to tape up the twins when wearing a low cut dress.

These are the "common" uses for duct tape.

If you happened to pick up the Boston Herald today, you would have seen the following headline: THEY USED DUCT TAPE TO FIX BOLTS.

Really?




















Because using duct tape to hold up heavy slabs of concrete doesn't seem like a great use of the product. Not in the way using duct tape to fix a carburator seems like a good idea.

You know, even when those cursed tunnels open again, I bet that people are going to be driving through them at about Mach 203.

First Time for Fantasy Football

There are some things that just don't come naturally to me, such as: manual transmission, Suduko, algebra.

Up until now, fantasy football has kind of eluded me. Don't get me wrong, I understand the game perfectly well, but I've never understood how online fantasy football works. Basically it is choosing a football team from all the players in the NFL and then getting points from how well they perform? Maybe?

So I've signed up with some CBS Fantasy Football program, put myself into the Gridirons Fanatics League and named my team the Roxbury Manglers. Because playing fantasy football is something I would like to do before I die.

Now I am supposed to rank my players. Huh?

Wish me luck!

Fries with that Shake?

There's no point to posting the Pats schedule without including a link to the unofficial Pats depth chart.

Click here for it.

Patriots Schedule 2006

PRESEASON

Fri 8/11/2006 8:00 PM @ Falcons CBS

Sat 8/19/2006 8:00 PM vs Cardinals NFL Network

Sat 8/26/2006 8:00 PM vs Redskins WCVB

Thu 8/31/2006 7:30 PM @ Giants WCVB

REGULAR SEASON

Sun 9/10/2006 1:00 PM vs Bills WBZ / CBS

Sun 9/17/2006 4:15 PM @ Jets WBZ / CBS

Sun 9/24/2006 8:15 PM vs Broncos WHDH / NBC

Sun 10/1/2006 4:15 PM @ Bengals WBZ / CBS

Sun 10/8/2006 1:00 PM vs Dolphins WBZ / CBS

Sun 10/15/2006 Bye

Sun 10/22/2006 1:00 PM @ Bills WBZ / CBS

Mon 10/30/2006 8:30 PM @ Vikings WCVB / ESPN

Sun 11/5/2006 8:15 PM vs Colts WHDH / NBC

Sun 11/12/2006 1:00 PM vs Jets WBZ / CBS

Sun 11/19/2006 1:00 PM @ Packers WBZ / CBS

Sun 11/26/2006 1:00 PM vs Bears WFXT / FOX

Sun 12/3/2006 1:00 PM vs Lions WFXT / FOX

Sun 12/10/2006 1:00 PM @ Dolphins WBZ / CBS

Sun 12/17/2006 1:00 PM vs Texans WBZ / CBS

Sun 12/24/2006 1:00 PM @ Jaguars WBZ / CBS

Sun 12/31/2006 1:00 PM @ Titans WBZ / CBS

If You're Not Part of the Solution, You're the Problem

I get it, some people don't like cops. It's some allergic reaction to authority triggered by various causes.

Ok fine whatever, so you don't like cops. Especially when they lecture you about being naughty. God knows I wanted to smack the officer who pulled me over and lectured me for running a yellow light. A YELLOW LIGHT for crying out loud. And yeah, there are a fair few rotten apples in the barrel, like doctors who let patients die, or teachers who molest students.

However, in the end everyone wants the 5-0 to show up with in a minute of calling 9-1-1. Which usually happens.

Now how would you feel if you were a police officer and you were chasing a suspect who was likely armed and when you chased this person through a party, the partygoers turn on you and beat the crap out of you.

You'd be like "W.T.F!!!?!?!"

(I know that I said that I would stop my Boston bashing yesterday, but consider this a little acid reflux. )

Seriously, this just really bothers me. I live in a great 'hood. I know my neighbors. I know that a community can get together and make little changes to improve the overall quality of life. I know that it feels great to smile at your neighbor and have them smile back. I know that even though a few people misbehaving can give a whole area of bascially good people a bad reputation.

So when people behave this badly, it makes me bonkers. The suspect was running and most people who really have nothing to hide don't bolt. So chances are the fellow had a gun. Which in Boston this summer it seems that everyone has a gun: carrying one in da hood is as de rigeur as a pair of Havaianas on Beacon Hill.

Not only that, but then he runs through a child's birthday party. In so many ways that could have ended badly. But instead the partygoers jump the officer, beat him up, and then steal his cellphone. It's really disgusting, they should all be ashamed. And barred from calling 9-1-1 for one month.

Check out Joe Fitzgerald's editorial in the Boston Herald for the complete story.

Ok NOW I am done. I SWEAH!

Toolbelts, Uniforms, and Drakkar Noir

On NYT.com there is a terrific FOUR page article on the affairs of the contractor.

It would seem that the lowly toolbelt has as much pull for some people as Matthew McConaughey in uniform, dipped in Drakkar Noir.

HOT!!!!!









(scratch n' sniff)

“They’ve been totally sexualized, like the U.P.S. man,” said Stephen Drucker, the editor in chief of House Beautiful. “I can’t tell you how many times when I hear somebody give a recommendation for a contractor it inevitably ends with the four words, ‘And he’s really cute.’ ”

“It’s fast, sexy, hot, but it doesn’t mean a lot — it’s like sexual chocolate, like sneaking out and getting that double scoop of ice cream in the afternoon,” Mr. Hay said

Hey, I know that sh*t is true, my own Gran ran off with a contractor!

I don't know why all of a sudden desperate women are all over the news, but it sure is funny!

Kinda makes me wanna get some work done on my own place... or call 911... whatever...

How to Flirt

OK - officially today is my "W.T.F. Boston!??!?" day.

Traffic, weather, politics, and now people. I think it is all coming to a head.

Anyway, there is a saying in Boston that if you can last long enough to make a friend, you will have that friend for life.

Which is true, But then again Bostonians have a much lower B.S. tolerance level than anyone else in the world. Tell someone you don't know to "have a nice day" and they are liable to tell you to "go f*ck ya self you muthaf*ckah". I can kind of understand that. Fakery is for Pam Anderson's boobs, seen but not heard.

However, this makes for a pretty dreadful flirting scene. In all honesty it is hard for a girl to flirt with a boy without having to pluck his roving tentacles off. I said tentacles...

It's a sad fact that the chronic low tolerance to B.S. is in direct conflict with the ability to have a friendly, flirty banter with another person without being misleading.

Maybe that is not a condition unique to Boston, but my experience has been that "hey how you doin'?" translates into "hey, who you doin'?".

So here is a link to a guide to flirting.

It's long, thorough, and full of insight like:

"Some men also blow their chances by carrying on a conversation with a woman's breasts, rather than looking at her face."

And

"We would not suggest, for example, that a woman in a mini-skirt should 'echo' the open-legged sitting posture of her male companion."

And

"Do not use the eyebrow-flash in Japan, where it has definite sexual connotations and is therefore never used as a greeting signal."

Good luck! *wink*wink*

Why You Shouldn't Cheat.

If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that you should never ever ever cheat on your hair stylist.

Never ever.

It's ok if you change stylists altogether, but unlike boys, you can't juggle between two.

Otherwise you'll end up looking like this:













Find one you like and then book all your appointments right away. And be grateful that I learned this lesson for you. Think how much money, time, and tears I've just saved you. You're welcome!

PS: Debbie - I am SOOOO sorry I cheated. It will never happen again I SWEAR!!! Thank you for fixing the rats nest, of course it looks like normal now. I am an ass!! I will never cheat again I PROMISE!!!!!

Bad Days in Beantown Baby!

Gad help us if there is a disaster in Boston this summer.

Sorry, I mean a natural disaster.

If there is a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, tornado, whatever, if you live in the city, just stay there. Don't even bother trying to get out. Traffic around here has a funny way of being fatal.

First of all it would seem that the Big Dig tunnels have been made out of plaster of Paris, brad fastners, peanuts and Silly Putty. No wonder they fall down and kill people.

Not only that, but just as the masses have finally figured out how to navigate the stupid tunnels, they wind up closed and now everyone has to navigate around detours.

You can imagine the clusterf*ck that's turning out to be. Make that the most expensive clusterf*ck in history. Recent history anyway.

But wait!! There's more!!

So then last night I turn on the tap and barely any water comes out.

Hmmmmmm. That's unusual.

According to the 11 o'clock news some ding-dong drilling into the street, drilled into a 30" water main a few blocks away. It's worth it to check out the Boston.com article to see the photos.

Turns out they were drilling at night and punctured the water main sending about a bajillion gallons of water out into the streets. Which resulted in the temporary shut down of an emergency room and a homeless shelter and closed down a few intersections.

Which doesn't sound so dramatic on paper, but those intersections are a big part of the morning commute. And the evening commute. And it's the intersection over by the Expressway on-ramp that was tampered with in an effort to make it more streamlined, but instead totally botched it up. I bet Matt Amarello's nephew oversaw that job.

And oh yeah, a tractor-trailer flipped over on the westbound side of the Mass Turnpike today.

The only thing making me nervous about this WHOLE situation is the fact that Tropical Storm Beryl is bearing down on New England.

Ordinarily I wouldn't worry about that, but given the recent bad luck that has been hanging over Boston, I bet that Beryl becomes a category five hurricane and really shuts the city down.

Then we'll see how fabulously well those little blue evacuation signs work. Though given the state of Boston roads, it would probably be faster to walk the hell out.

Missing Diamond Dave

There are a few things in life that just put a person in a better mood.

Maybe you win on a scratch card, or get a whole jar of bread & butter pickles for yourself, or find ten bucks in your pants you're about to wash, whatever it is it makes you really thrilled for a few minutes.

That's what Diamond David Lee Roth does to me.

Not the new scary macrobiotic radio talk show host David Lee Roth, but the old spandex sportin' frizzy haired Van Halen rockin' Diamond Dave.

Who would grab onto his crotch and jump around the stage kicking and singing and waggling his tongue suggestively to the ladies. To any ladies.

So when I hear "Beautiful Girls" or "California Girls" or "Hot for Teacher" or "Everybody Wants Some" or "Panama", it makes me happy.

About a million screaming rednecks...

Yesterday I was at the Kenny Chesney country fest at Gillette Stadium, and all that kept going through my head was the fragment of a Cletus T. Judd song "I Love Nascar" which is the title of this post.

Although, this being New England, perhaps they aren't so much rednecks as rubberneckers.

Seriously.

All the girls came to see Kenny and all the boys came to see the girls who came to see Kenny.

Who by the way is also gay. Which by the way has never deterred me. I feel like 80% of my crushes are on gay men.

But every single girl there had on a cutoff mini denim skirt and either a bikini top or a tank top. Which after a while starts to make everyone look alike.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself - we started tailgating around 11:30am which was crazy since it was about 9 million degrees and we were tailgating in the middle of a great big parking lot.

A great big dusty hot parking lot.

Our neighbors a few trucks down had music enough for everyone, the Tennessee flag was flying (which was referred to as the Texas flag, so you knew you were in New England. Confusing Texas and Tennessee to a Southerner is like telling a New Englander that Big Papi is one hell of a running back. ) and everyone was drinking domestic beer, y'all.

The early favorite of the night was Big & Rich. They are great entertainers and they really got the crowd going. Not only that but John Rich wears spangled pants and for some reason I think that is soooooooooo sexy. If he'd been wearing a sparkly kilt, I definitely would have rushed the stage. This is clearly why I am still single.

The only odd part of their show was when they brought out Mike, who seemingly is a two foot dancing machine, Though I am not sure how I feel about the whole Two-Foot Mike thing, I kind of got the feeling that they were going to bowl him or something.

So - how was your weekend?

Hey, I would probably do the same thing!

CNN is reporting that a woman in Oregon may be facing up to a year in jail.

Her crime? She was trying to get a date.

Via 9-1-1.

Seemingly a very good looking deputy was sent to her house on a noise complaint. After he left, she called 911 and asked that the hot deputy be sent back, or if they could give him her phone number.

While it is a potentially tragic way to meet men, I can kind of see where she's coming from on that one.

Who wouldn't want a hot guy to show up on their doorstep in uniform?
Too bad the Marines, Army, and Navy don't respond to 911.

100% Humidity

I am not sure what is going on around here, but I am positive that there are four horsemen about to ride into Boston...

Seriously.

First the airport tunnel collapsed, killing a woman. I mean the thing collapses at 11pm and STILL manages to kill someone! Imagine the carnage if it had fallen during rush hour.

Not only would Matt "Ain't No Flies On Me" Amarello have been hung, drawn, and quartered, but the bits would be strung up and left to fly over the tolls at the Ted Williams tunnel.

(In case you aren't completely familiar with the complexities of Boston politics, Matt Amarello is the head of the Turnpike Authority, the last true place in Boston that a state rep can get a job for his girlfriends junkie ex-con brother. Amarello has come under fire for Big Dig waste and pretty much everyone in Massachusetts wants him to resign.)

It will be interesting to see what kind of review board Amarello puts together to review the safety issues within the tunnel system. I bet it's the same people who said that a little water damage was no biggie.

Then yesterday and today have been at like 100% humidity. Which means rain if you didn't know.
But what makes this rain icky is that it is also hot.

Hot rain is like sitting down on a seat that someone just left and your can still feel their bum heat.
It's disgusting.

No wonder everyone in Boston is a bit on the cranky side.

Oh yeah.

Celebrity Train Wrecks

I cannot STAND Star Jones-Reynolds.

What in the name of Sam Hill is WRONG with the woman!??!

She used to be fat and funny and smart.

Now she's less fat, ugly, and a bitch!

It is obvious that dieting makes you cranky.
And also not having sex with your gay hubby.

And if you doubt that part, have a looky-loo at the excerpt of her book at People.com

It made me throw up in my mouth.

Especially the part where she talks about the first time she bonked Big Gay Al. How he looks like a Ralph Lauren model with legs like a stallion.

OK, here's the deal:

1) If he looks like a Ralph Lauren model, he is gay. All gay men are hot and should all be models. And all Ralph Lauren models are gay. It's a fact.

2) Legs like a stallion?? No, no Star sweetie, the line is "he BONKS like a stallion". You need a new editor. And yes, your husband is STILL gay.

Where in the world is Suri Homes-Cruise???

I can now reveal to all the secret surrounding the mysterious Suri Cruise.......

But first some background information.

For one thing everyone knows that Tom Cruise is gay AND sperm-free.
The guy is SO waaaaay past metro....

Yet for some reason he is completely insecure about this fact - as evidenced by his total lack of a sense of humor.

So he went off and got himself a nice little hagbag to tote around on his arm which everyone knows is a worse sham than Zellweger/Chesney.

The ONLY thing they have in common is their chiclet teeth - notice that they always line them up in photos. F*cked UP!

SO I think that Katie, sorry, KATE, went off and bonked either Cuba Gooding (Tom's co-star in Jerry Maguire) or Jamie Foxx (co-star in Collateral). Because who wouldn't??

And whoopsie-daisy KatieKate found herself up the proverbial pole.

And since Tom, without a bit of humor in him, made a complete tit over her all OVER the place, had to suck it up buttercup. Who would ever forget the couch humping Oprah episode? See even you remember it. Riiiiiiiight.....

And then nine months later out pops baby Suri, but oops she's black!

Now everyone will know for sure that Big Gay Tom IS sterile.




WELCOME BABY SURI!!!!

He-Bitches, She-Johns, and Man-Whores

"Get off of my tittie you doped up cracka!"

Now when people ask me what my favorite funny movie is I will have to add "Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo" to the list.

It is funny, it's f*cking funny.
Seriously.

The bit where Deuce and TJ are at the hash bar and TJ tells Deuce to go ahead and eat the space cake, telling him it's what astronauts eat and comparing it to Tang.... sh*t......

Lordy day, I can't watch and type...

"Call my mother and tell her I am sorry that I called her friends while I was pleasuring myself"

Italy Wins World Cup

Much to the irritation to all my soccer-mad friends, let me just say:

Wait, what? That was the last game of the World Cup?

Italy won?

Really?

Huh.

Why I am no fun today, or Why Gold's Gym Sucks!

I have no idea why I even belong to a gym, and now I am actually excited to get rid of my gymnastic albatross.

Last month I changed bank accounts. I usually use online bill pay. I forgot that the gym just helps themself to my money out of my account.

So today I thought I would just pop on down to the gym and give them my new information and let them keep on taking my money because quite frankly I just feel fitter with a gym membership even if I only go like twice a year.

They take my new card and proceed to charge me not only for the month but then they tack on a twenty dollar fee!

When I ask about this fee I am referred to the biggest penis in the industry named "Rhymes With John" (not his real name, exactly...). I asked not to be charged this fee since they didn't have to do anything to collect the money. The fee is what the collection agency would charge and it didn't go to collection.

He props his leg up on the desk and leans over and proceed to talk to me like I am completely retarded, telling me that it's not his problem that I can't pay my bills on time and that if he had to take the time to call all the thousands of clients who don't pay then that's all he would be doing, among other things. Pay my bills on time? I changed bank accounts!

Let me see if I get this correctly: I pay $40 per month for a gym that I never go to, never talk to any of the employees, have been a member for four years, and they would really have me cancel my membership over $20?

They are even more stupid than I am.

But what pisses me off is that "Rhymes with John" was just such a jerk, it made me mad. I haven't been mad for a long time, or talked to like that in a while either. So now I have to go in tomorrow afternoon and speak to the manager. Ugh.

And in case you're curious, it's the Gold's Gym in Southie and really considering the competition, you'd think that they'd try to keep members.

Pretty fashion is KILLING me....

I wore very pricy, very fabulous red shoes today and consequently wore my soles of my feet off.

They are gorgeous shoes and I wear them once a year to justify their place in my closet.

By the time I get rid of them, I will likely have eroded so badly I will be a foot shorter.

Oh well.

Skkkkkyyyyyy rockets in flight! Aaaaaaafternoon delight.....

Ho, ho, she's back with your afternoon crack hit.

You crazy people... miss me?

Let me tell you that for the past 3 months (THHHHRREEEEEE) I have been on grand jury duty. and now it is coming to an end.

And thank god for that.

I have come to some conclusions about crime n' sh*t in our lovely state"

1. I am waaaaaaaaay to smart to be a criminal.

2. If she says she's 18 but makes you drop her off at a middle school, you better pray she's a teacher and never, never, EVER have sex with her again.

3. Oxycontin costs about $30 wholesale.

Yeah, NOW you're hooked.

More later.

Holy bad weather Batman

It's beginning to feel like it hasn't stopped raining since 1978.

While I know that that is technically not true, it f*cking feels like it ok!

Yeah, see bad weather for 10,228 days makes me edgy.

The only partly sunny day we had last week was when the sun came up at like 5:30am and surprised me.

So of course I had to get up because my eyes were burning from the light....

And so now I have been cranky AND tired ever since. Grrrrrr. Fu*king weather.

The Devil made me post it....

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?




















I lava you!

Six, six, so what.....

The real six-six-six to worry about was 2000 years ago on 6/6/6.

Though come to think of it, didn't the calendar get all messed up in the 1500's anyway.

Something about preventing vernal equinox drift?

Hmmm, well sleep with one eye open anyway people, Beezlebub is everywhere......

It's a fact, I AM shallow.

A recent news item reported that a shopkeeper was busted for selling cigarettes to a minor.

The clerk's defense was that as the "minor" was scantily clad, he was unfairly distracted, and that to be fined was clearly entrapment.

I agree.

If a guy came into MY shop scantily clad, not only would I likely give him a carton of smokes, but I'd throw in a six-pack fo' free!

Press F5 to refresh.

FYI

When a girl makes fun of a boy...................



IT'S BECAUSE SHE LIKES HIM!!!!




DUHHHHHHHH

Shoulda stayed in that coma buddy....

Ok - nevermind about the Sopranos.

Raise your hand if you thought Christafuh was going to get it when he was coming out of the diner.

Yeah, I thought so too.

They really need to up the body count for "next season".