shamrag

Thanks for nothing Clint!

2011-09-27T22:10:00.000-04:00

I went to Loudon on Sunday for the Sprint Cup race. Yep, I love NASCAR.

In the fantasy league I belong to we get to pick drivers once per season so the trick is to use your drivers wisely. You have to figure who performs best on which track, consider how well they are doing during the season, look at stats... Yah, something like that.

Personally I have my own secret formula for picking a driver that involves glitter and unicorns and a couple of secret calculations and it worked awesome last year (I placed FIRST yah!!). This year, not so much. NASCAR changed up the points system so that sort of makes it tough to make significant headway. Oh well.

This weekend I picked Clint Bowyer and he was doing AWESOME until about lap 296 of 300 when he RAN OUT OF GAS.

WTF

Dude races cars for a living and doesn't know enough to gas up? Dumbo.

My almost first place finish evaporated into a 26th place finish. *Le sigh*

Well, the two chicks play-fighting in the parking lot after the race made up for it when one girl hooked her thumb into the waistband of the other girl's thong and pulled it up.... up.... up and over her head. YOUPAAAH!!!

(For those who aren't familiar with thongs and anatomy, the best way to describe it is taking a wire cheese slicer to a hunk o cheddar.)

The best part is when all the lines got blurred. The boyfriends of the two battlin' babes tried to breaking them up by dumping ice water on them, but there was something smoldering there that ice water wasn't going to put out. To this casual observer it looked more like foreplay than horseplay. What with the giggle and the underpants grabbing...

Then they starting pulling the shirts off, and for some reason modesty kicked in and they jumped up and drove off.

So there was that. And it kind of made up for the sh*tty finish.

Hmmm. I am not sure THAT is the reaction they were looking for....

2011-07-20T13:28:00.000-04:00

Check out the "reaction" to Myra Kraft's passing on Boston.com today:

In case you can't read it:

I mean, considering how the actress Megan Fox allegedly got fired for comparing director Michael Bay to Hitler, it's kinda rude to post a link to a Megan Fox SexClip in reaction to the passing of a tireless fundraiser who also happened to be of the Jewish faith.

Just goes to show you that people really will say things online that they wouldn't likely say face to face. I mean, I am pretty certain that DenboerMasakoAH wouldn't go to the funeral to sell porn to the Kraft family.

Although when it comes to the nerve of some people, I've been wrong before.

Spiral thinking....

2011-07-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I read about something and from there my thoughts spiral out to absurd extremes.

Like when I read about the last space shuttle launch. I thought about how small the astronauts are in comparison to space. And what is space? What is our place in it? Where does it end? And if I can't imagine an end to the universe, how small does that make me? Or an ant for that matter. Is the universe imaginary? And really, what is the meaning of time?

See? It's sh*t like this that typically spirals out of control right at bedtime.

Well, today's gem comes from this article: What's in your navel?

First of all, who isn't curious about what lurks in there. And second of all I am definitely going to be A LOT more diligent about washing it out from now on.

But then my thoughts spiraled out from there and I wound up comparing belly buttons to va-jay-jays.

Oh yes I did.

Let me explain. First of all it occurred to me that most people (I think most do) use the words "belly button". We say it without thinking - belly button, bellybutton, and it kind of rolls off the tongue without notice.

However when you stop to think about it, it's a ridiculous description. A belly........ button? I would understand it more if everyone had an "outie" but this is not the case and in any case navels don't resemble buttons.

This is a button:

This is a navel:

And this is what I am talking about:

If you push the hole left behind by the umbilical cord like a button, it feels weird. Try it and see. Push it like an elevator button. Now smell your finger. That stink means bacteria.

Back to the belly button. Since most people say belly button instead of navel, I thought what other euphemisms for body parts are commonly used? Ears, hair, head, face, lips, eyes, chin, legs, arms, elbows, hands, fingers... we say without hesitation. But then we say belly button instead of navel, vajayjay for vagina, and peeper for penis.

So what I want to know is when the navel got lumped with vagina and penis?

Thoughts?

Boooom goes the sidewalk....

2011-07-06T18:43:00.000-04:00

Walked past an unseen fire that sent noxious smoke billowing out through a sidewalk grate today. A big cloud of smoke would billow out from a grate in the sidewalk after something Down There made a big BOOM.

This is why I hate walking over those sidewalk grates. You just never know when the smoke monster will start farting.

Smoke dies down.

Then another BOOM and more smoke

Then another lull before the next BOOM

View Larger Map

Ok so not as thrilling as a triffid with an erection, but those BOOMS were pretty scary sounding.

And how was YOUR commute?

Remember that plant from the other day......

2011-07-05T11:12:00.000-04:00

This one here.

I was subsequently informed that it was a mullein plant, aka a "toilet paper planet" on account of its Charmin-like leaves.

But I still think it's a triffid.

Someone took the time to try and break it.

But it, uh, managed to stay erect.

And also, I have another word for this plant, and it's not "toilet paper plant"....

Nevermind Whitey, I wanna know where the Vermeer is...

2011-06-24T18:35:00.000-04:00

I am convinced that with the arrest of James "Whitey" Bulger, there are several shady art collectors collectively crapping themselves right now.

In case you don't recall, back in 1990 the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum was burgled and several valuable paintings were stolen, a Vermeer among them.

The New York Times had this quote from a neighbor:

"Janus Goodwin, 61, said she visited them in the apartment. “When I would be invited in, he would always be lying on the sofa, watching TV,” she said. “He was very proud of his little art pieces, which were cheap knockoffs of Monet and Van Gogh.”

Hmph. Maybe they weren't knockoffs after all.... My guess is he's been selling them off on an as needed basis.

Can't wait to see how this all shakes out.

Birds of a rusty metal feather flock to....

2011-06-24T10:36:00.000-04:00

the nearest street corner and smoke together because they are bok-bok-badass!

This is the chicken that I threatened to buy for the Evil twin and the BiL back in March:

But the Evil Twin kiboshed that idea faster than immediately.

See the thing is in our family we tend to buy sh*t we think is cool, but for other people, because typically it's stuff we don't actually want in our own home.

Anyway, I get an email from a friend with this link to check out: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

I read it and nearly pissed my pants because it is hysterically funny. And then I thought, damn, that chicken gets AROUND!

I predict that Big Rusty Chicken becomes the next hipster cool shiz, like PBR, belt buckles, and trucker caps.

Open air drug market? Didn't see that one coming.....

2011-06-22T15:24:00.001-04:00

I am incredulous that none of the first 9 comments made reference to the location.

Usually apoplectic South Enders erupt in a frenzy of NIMBY-ism at the mere thought of lumping WeMa/EaMel* in with the SE.

I mean, an open air drug market does not carry the same sort of cachet as an open air arty-farty mart.

Although, as a peripheral resident of this particular area, I am appreciative of the efforts made by the BPD, the DA's Office, and the people who live in the Lenox buildings to put a damper on the drug trade. It might not solve the problem, but it is infinitely better than indifference.

*And by WeMa/EaMel I mean: West of Mass Ave/East of Melnea Cass, aka, Lower Roxbury, aka South End, aka F*ck You It's Roxbury, aka, My Realtor SWORE This Was the South End, aka, Get the F*ck Out Yuppie Scum, aka, Fine You Can Have This Crack Riddled Dump A**hole....

Day of the Triffids?

2011-06-22T14:12:00.000-04:00

I came upon this plant on my way to work today:

That is some mighty plant growing out of a crack in the sidewalk. Anyone know what it is? Because I am thinking triffid.

Headline fail.

2011-05-31T13:25:00.001-04:00

Actually it's attendant.

However, at the end of the day I can't say sh*t because I always spell "independent" as "independant", although it's not so egregious an error when you aren't the headline writer at Boston.com.

Friends don't let friends drink and cycle....

2011-05-22T12:58:00.001-04:00

Saw this bike parked outside Hollywood Liquors last night.

A 40 and no helmet.

Yes, I checked for both.

**Correction**
I generically call anything larger than 12oz a "forty". So to be very specific this is a 24oz can of Steel Reserve. Union made, for those who care.

The $62,000 handbag. Seriously.

2011-05-08T11:22:00.000-04:00

The $62,000 Hermes handbag, which is pre-owned but never carried, begs the $64,000 question: who on EARTH would spend that much on a pre-owned,but never carried, handbag?

See, I am not even kidding. $62k for a second handbag. I guess not every area of the economy is entirely recessed.

Osama's last words....

2011-05-03T15:00:00.001-04:00

"Damn you auto correct"...

Thank you Apple, for supplying a way to not only track terrorists, but to then assist foiling sleeper cell activation!

Has this ever happened to you?

2011-05-03T12:48:00.000-04:00

So a couple of years back, like 3 or maybe 5, I woke up one day and found I could no longer stand both guacamole and The Doors, oh, and also the Rolling Stones.

F*cking weird.

I still can't eat guacamole unless it is really, REALLY good and fresh. I absolutely cannot eat an avocado plain without dry heaving a little. And if I hear any song by The Doors, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just thinking about it now gives me the shudders. SO weird, especially considering that I never felt terribly strongly about them either way.

But interestingly I woke up the other day and liked the Rolling Stones again. Well, not everything by them, just a few select songs. Mostly the songs where Mick Jagger is clearly on drugs. Which yeah, is probably all of them...

It's the crazy sounding songs that I need in the morning these days.

Take "Monkey Man" for example, which opens with soft guitar and tinkling piano and the following lyrics: "I'm a fleabit peanut monkey / All my friends are junkies / That's not really true / I'm a cold Italian pizza / I could use a lemon squeezer ..... " before ending with Jagger scream-singing the word "m-m-m-on-kayyyyyy" over and over.

WTF?! But awesome. No one uses words like "fleabit peanut monkey" any more. I bet you all those words are code words for drugs... hmmm...

The other song that is awesome for waking up kicking and punching is "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" - the opening riff makes me want to do Steven Tyler-style high kicks. I am genuinely concerned that one day I will in fact high kick in public when that song plays on my mp3 player.

From Let It Bleed:

And from Sticky Fingers:

Yeah, music totally massages my cerebral cortex.

How do YOU end a conversation?

2011-04-03T11:57:00.000-04:00

Are you ever on a telephone conversation with someone and they end it with "ok, well I have to let you go."

That seriously is irritating. I feel like somehow I am getting fired from the conversation or something. The idea of being "let go" is never a positive one, and even worse when someone basically gives you permission to let your own self go.

If you want off the conversation, put it on yourself.

Also, don't end emails with "Best". It's insincere. Everyone knows you don't really mean it and if in fact you actually DO care, there are much better ways to sign off.

Wow, I am getting cranky and picky in my old age. Ok, well thanks for reading, but I am going to have to let you go now.

Best!

Not quite a Volvo....

2011-04-01T12:10:00.000-04:00

This morning I got to drive one of these:

I don't get it about cars - four wheels, goes forward, yah yah yah.

But now I get it about THIS car. It handled beautifully. And now me wanty.

Fortunately my good friend and neighbor owns it and says I can borrow it whenever. Oh why yes, yes I am pretty sure I will.

I think there is another, simpler, word for this.

2011-03-31T19:07:00.000-04:00

One reason, among several, why I no longer possess the will to continue the "whole online dating thing" is polyamory.

Poly-huh-wha? you are probably thinking. Yeah, you don't want to know. Oh, well, maybe you do. I wish I didn't.

According to the fount of all knowledge online*, Wikipedia, polyamory is:

the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.

Right.

However most people (men, in my case), aren't always upfront about this aspect of their life. Which is totally annoying.

There is nothing weirder in my life than meeting a guy out for a drink who then asks me if I am interested in meeting his wife because they are looking to bring a third person into their relationship.

No thank you.

Because you know what:

A) That sounds a little Big Love-ish to me. And yeah, I know there is a difference between polyamory and polygamy, but when the couple in question is already married.... it gets confusing.

B) No part of my dating profile indicated that I was open to it. In fact I pretty much stated that I am monogamous, completely & all the time. I am half Old World French which means that it is a given that should I stab you in a jealous rage over another woman, it's nothing more than a crime of passion and really, those cannot be helped sometimes. Eh, tant pis.

C) It has never not sounded creepy to me when a guy tells me what his wife/partner is looking for, from me. Well, how about you re-read B.

Let me just say one thing here: I don't care who and how many people you are in a non-monogamous intimate relationship with, it just isn't happening with me. But if that is your thing, good luck.

Also I think that most poly folk are not looking online for another partner, it's just that the internet has sort of morphed into this weird online candy store of relationships. Maybe it was always like that. But stuff that normally people wouldn't do in real life, they will try out online. That would explain avatars I guess.

So I am giving the online thing a rest. I am done with Mr. Goodbar looking for Almond Joy. My and my, uh, Peanut Butter Cups are going to give it a try out in the non-online world.

Wish me luck.

Oh and if all the poly, married, engaged, involved, etc, folk could somehow mark themselves with a big X for my reference, that would be GREAT. Thanks!**

*Sarcasm
**Also sarcasm

Brushing my teeth & thinking...

2011-03-30T18:17:00.001-04:00

This morning my thought process jumped on the Facebook-Reunion-Sex-Childbirth train.

I realize that this will immediately get some people thinking that I've got a big "Whoopsie! :)" revelation coming, but I don't.

Let me explain.

I was invited (sort of) via Facebook to a reunion.

Which got me thinking about reunions and how there is much about those years I would like to forget.

But also how I sort of half imagine what a good reunion would be like: it would be awesome and we'd all magically be 20 years younger (looking at least, please!).

Which got me thinking that imagining things being magically better is a bit like anticipating having sex with someone for the first time (yours, theirs, as a couple, whatever), how it never is as awesome as you imagine it will be that first go around.

Still confused? Yeah me too. Morning was a long time ago. Where was I going with this....

I guess it's just that most people imagine that things were better than they really were, even if the reality is: school sucked, sex is ALWAYS awkward the first time with a new partner, and from what I've heard, childbirth is f*cking painful.

I suppose that the point I was brushing my teeth toward is that memory glosses sh*t over, or forgets it entirely, out of necessity. It has to so that people will continue to enroll their kids in school, so that you have sex with a person until you figure it out how to make it awesome, and so once the baby pops out your brain washes itself clean with a tidal wave of endorphins (or something) so you forget you just pushed a watermelon through your nostril and consequently do it again.

And then it occurred to me that the best thing about being an adult (aside from eating Lucky Charms anytime I please) is that I don't care anymore about the people who were a**holes to me in school, even better I don't have to go to a reunion where my childish insecurities could show up like a poop in a punch bowl, and not only are the worst years behind me, but my grown-up life is pretty terrific because it is my own.

That, and I am now free to tell people to f*ck the f*ck off if I want and no one can call my folks and get me trouble. Yes!

Being an adult ROCKS! Although I am still not convinced that that was my original point this morning....

Should have held on a little longer.

2011-03-29T17:53:00.000-04:00

You know how Yankees are, keeping everything just in case - bits of string, squares of flattened foil, bread bags....

Well, these folks should have kept this.... :

Taken on March 11, 2011 - 64 days after Epiphany

.... in case they need to shovel out a space after this:

Click Here for the full story

All I can say is that I for one would fricking LOVE a snow day.

And then immediately after that Spring. A hot and lovely spring!

Not to belabor the point, but...

2011-03-29T17:35:00.000-04:00

I sold the Champagne Supernova for $400.

Bye Bye Flapjack!

Oh yeah.

Which is even MORE oh yeah when you factor in the fact that 4 (maybe 5) years ago I paid $500 for it.

Now I am car-less and could careless. I have Zipcar and honestly there really isn't too many places I go in a week that I can't walk/T to.

Holla!

Anyone else watch 'Modern Family'?

2011-02-24T17:56:00.002-05:00

Because that show is f*cking FUNNY.

I nearly choked when Claire's dad said to her, after this incident at the mall,

abc.com

"You know, when you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute."

HA! Ahahahahahaahahah!

If you haven't seen this particular episode, you should. You really should.

Just tell me the letters.

2011-02-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

I realize that in the pantheon of annoyances, this is probably one of the lesser irritants, however it makes me bananas when someone spells out their name thusly:

"'S' as in Sam, 'H' as in hello, 'A' as in apple, 'M' as in marshmallow, 'R' as in rutabaga, 'A' as in apricot, 'G' as in garbage pail".

That totally flummoxes me as the listener. And when I ask for the letters only please, my request seems to then flummox the speller-outer.

I mean, I get it about how 't' and 'c' can be confused, or 't', 'c', and 'd'. But really, if you feel obligated to say "geeeee as in gasoline" it just sound complicated.

Ok. I am done.

For now.

Not to put Elmo out of a job or anything....

2011-02-21T11:05:00.000-05:00

I love Facebook. I am nosy (oh so he went to Vegas with her?) and petty (yep, that mean girl from HS got FAT!) and self-centered (someone un-friended me? what the f*ck? F*ck you anyway!) and I find that FB is often an outlet for the mostly unspoken vulgarities that I prefer to think don't exist in my delicate psyche. We surf, we judge, we hope people notice our status updates.

And now, annoyingly, Facebook is used as a "tool for social change". Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a portal to a world where you can probably connect with people who make you feel less on your own, who can provide an alternate view of life which might be helpful when you live somewhere without a lot of freedom.

I just get annoyed by the appeals to be a "good citizen", namely to "Save Public Television". Currently the US budget is being pruned by the newly elected, wielding flamethrowers. It's not a fun debate to get into, but it does make a person think. Or take the easy way out and "Like" a cause that all your friends "Like" and thereby absolving yourself of any real effort. Click, click, done!

At first glance I was all about keeping funding for public television. I love, love, LOVE public television. However when I stopped to think about it, and read up about it, I realized that I am not entirely against cutting funding for public television. Public television doesn't stay on the air because of government funding, and it won't go off the air without it. It just means that the appeals season will run even longer and people will have to step up to the plate and donate a little more. Like me.

If I want to enjoy the programming, I am just going to have to start paying for it, like everything else in life. As I said, television is a luxury. You don't need Elmo to entertain your kids, you need a book and a smidgen of imagination.

And though I am a fan of NASCAR, I cannot understand why they are keeping the funding for the Army car. That is also a luxury. I am sure there is a missile maker or a helmet manufacturer who would gladly pay to sponsor the Army car.

Cut those funds and give them to Planned Parenthood. FYI Planned Parenthood isn't just an abortion factory as some might want to think. It's a resource for family planning - PLANNING! People plan trips, dates, directions, meals, weddings, parties, all kinds of things, so it seems a bit ridiculous to not have some sort of plan to have a family or not.

I tell you what, everyone who uses birth control or some other form of baby-stopper (or anyone who has sex with someone while using some form of protection either against babies OR disease) ought to give up sex for a month in protest.

Ok, fine, a week.

A day?

I guarantee you that all those folks who are so afraid of Planned Parenthood would quickly change their tune.

Hmmm, let me go put THAT on FB.

For Sale: One giant heap o'metal.

2011-02-20T14:23:00.000-05:00

I am getting rid of the Champagne Supernova.

Last fall it died on me and I figured I could fix it myself. I am all about looking sh*t up online for answers to stuff like: Why won't my car start? What is that thing growing on my lip? Who was that guy in that movie?

Seriously, Google is the answer (and then some) to all my questions.

Well anyway, according to the internet, the problem with my car was that it need a new fuel pump relay. So I felt around inside the car near where the 'net told me it was and yanked out what I thought was said relay.

In retrospect I am beginning to think that what I actually extracted was the overdrive relay.

Whoops.Oh well. Glad I am not a doctor or a dentist!

And now I am just bored of playing at GoogleMechanic and even more annoyed at having to pay excise tax, registration fees, insurance, and eventually for another inspection sticker, which probably would have taken another cash outlay to get it to even pass. And now I just want it gone.

So I put the car for sale on Craigslist, which basically read: Car for Sale, doesn't run, won't even turn over - don't know why, I am not a mechanic, good for parts - especially the brand new bumper, not too rusty, new tires and e-brake. $500 or best offer.

I figured I would leave it up for a week, and then if nothing happened I would donate it.

Rather than offers I got about a million questions: does it leak fluids, how much rust does it have, how many miles since the last oil chance, how many owners, where was it manufactured, can you post a picture of the undercarriage, do you smoke, is it pet-free?

You get the idea.

I realize that it's just people being curious, but honestly it's a cheap-ass car that needs work and a tow. And I find it highly amusing that a few people will email me more than once, indignant that I haven't responded to their request for a photo of the tailpipe, or with the name of my mechanic, or some other random question.

Oh, hello, it's Craigslist. Not PoliteandConsideratelist.

And it's not just me. Potential buyers have been promising to come by since Thursday and not one has shown up as agreed. That's just how these things work. I have one last potential buyer coming Monday and if they don't show up, I am giving it to WGBH.

So there.

Smell ya later!

2010-10-02T21:59:00.000-04:00

I can't be funny in two places at once and I like to eat. So the food blog wins.

Find me over full time at Calamity Shazaam in the Kitchen for now.

I swear it will be just as good. And slightly more tasty.

Winter Night Sky

2010-02-09T22:17:00.002-05:00

Do you think we should introduce them to space saving?

2010-01-10T09:45:00.004-05:00

Over in Ireland it seems that they've been having about the same weather we've been having here in Boston -- cold and snow.

I am pretty familiar with things Irish and I am fairly certain a cold and snowy winter is not the norm.

Then I read this article on the Irish Times website:

Clearly snow is not a weather event the Irish government has planned for.

In Boston you are born with the knowledge that if you don't shovel your front walk the city will fine you. But you are also born with the knowledge that you can "save" your freshly dug out parking spot with whatever household item you like.

It used to be for the entire winter practically, until the city finally had to step in and actually say you could only "save" the aforementioned parking spot for 48 hours after the snowfall ended.

It goes a little something like this:

And for anyone who says "that won't happen here", I say just give it time.

Ohhh oh oh oh oh...

2010-01-03T12:44:00.006-05:00

The Evil Twin and I were at Hi-Fi pizza the other day and I saw this sign taped to the wall:

And while I am not entirely sure what this "rehab" is exactly...:

I think I want to go.

It's a learned behaviour...

2010-01-03T08:51:00.003-05:00

I don't want to be the a**hole who is always bitching and pissing about spelling and grammar errors, but it's the little things in life that I am privileged to sweat about I guess.

And to be honest I don't always catch grammar errors because I am crap at grammar. There is no way I could tell you the difference between a participle and a preposition. True story.

Also, I know lots of words but haven't a clue how to use them appropriately.

But spelling mistakes nag me like a fat popcorn kernel stuck between two back teeth.

For example: using "peaked" for "piqued". If you tell me that I have sparked some curiosity in you, then I have piqued your interest, not peaked. And before anyone gets mad that I am bringing the whip down, my philosophy is if you can't use the right word, phrase it differently. See sentence two of this very paragraph.

This is what piqued my interest in this topic so early on a Sunday:

Now that is just wrong. The spelling part.

One last weekend.

2009-10-01T21:01:00.005-04:00

Last weekend I went to KooKooKoosh Kamp one last time.

As the house is being removed from the property, the contents also had to go. So I went back to get a couple of things.

Luckily for me a few friends came along. And how did I reward them? With a 6 mile hike in Jamaica State Park! Yeah! How awesome is that?!!

To Hamilton Falls no less.

Which starts off at a reasonable grade - flat - for nearly two miles:

Along the West River, which was extra high due to it being Dam Release weekend and was full of kayakers.

Oh and I also figured out where Tic Tacs come from:

(Tic Tacs plant: last of the season)

We jaunted along until we came to the bit where the sign says "Hamilton Falls" and an arrow points upward into the sky.

Should have paid attention to that part really.

Because the path literally veers off at a steep angle for a mile upward. Something like this:

Woof.

This trail nearly killed me. True story.

I'd hike and hike and hike, then rest a second to re-inflate the lungs. Then look up and realize that there was a sh*tload of trail to go. All up fricking hill.

Frick!

However this is what awaits you at the top of the trail:

And since I was over-heating at that point I went in, followed by the two lads I was with:

Let me just tell you: THE WATER WAS COLD.

It was so cold that the minute I got in, every single tiny cell and fiber of my being shut down and all I could think about was OUT.

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT NOW!!!

Yeah. That kind of cold.

After I got out and brought my core temp back to normal, I actually felt refreshed enough to tackle the trek back. And then we headed back to the camp for the night and grilled a couple of steaks on the woodstove.

The next day was all about a big camp breakfast and packing. It was sad. I don't want to think about it. But fortunately I was with some really fantastic people who made the whole thing 100% easier.

Before we left I took a photo of the yard:

And of the big tree in the yard:

Because it is the tall silent sentry that always made me so reassured about staying in the little house in the woods.

There is something magical the way the clearing where the house sat was surrounded by tall, swaying pines. Sometimes the entire clearing would be covered in great drifts of sparkling white snow and though the other trees would be bare and the bright moonlight would reflect off the crystallized snow and highlight the massive pines, gently waving in the wind.

I am truly grateful to at least have had the opportunity to enjoy the camp.

TGIED!

2009-09-22T19:19:00.002-04:00

Thank Gawd It's Election Day!!!

Hopefully this means that the days of coming home to an answering machine full of vote requests are behind me.

Yesterday I had 18 messages waiting for me. Deletedeletedelete.

And through the night, another 7 calls.

Too bad I got a call from each candidate because my original plan was to NOT vote for the candidates who called.

But on the upside, I LOVE to vote. Seriously. It is my favorite civic duty.

Maybe it was all the rain...

2009-09-20T21:23:00.003-04:00

Apparently the bumper acorn crop this season means it is going to be a really tough winter this year.

According to Deb G anyway.
(via Universal Hub)

She points out that the last big ass acorn crop was in 1995-6. See diagram below:

All I can say to that is: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu*k

Not as smart, but still not dumb.

2009-09-20T20:26:00.003-04:00

Trivia at Trident Cafe on Friday night was a sh*t show for Team SmartiePants.

The place was jam-packed with freshly arrived students so we snagged a table off to the side. We were followed by a group of 10, who were promptly turned away.

Everyone wanted in. Although I don't know why. The trivia is hard and weird and obscure and the first prize is a $35 gift certificate, the other two prizes are a DVD and a book. How would you split that 10 ways? That's barely a small latte per person.

Anyway, we gave it our best shot and fell on our faces. And the last round was this really long spelling bee. I misspelled "abscission". Can you f*cking believe it? I missed an "s". And don't feel so smug. You would have missed one too.

Oh well, I give it until November when classes really start slowing people down. That's when you can expect the next Team SmartiePants triumph. Until then I am sticking to Scrabble.

What a year.

2009-09-20T15:12:00.005-04:00

I am pretty much already done with 2009. Yep. I am starting 2010 a little early.

For starters, I am surprised that there are any celebrities left alive in this year o'death. Do you think that this is God's way of saying "sort out health care RIGHT FRICKING NOW before I kill them all off!"?

Because I am willing to wait on resolving healthcare until the Death-a-Thon catches up with the Olsen twins.

I'm just saying.

And if I never hear the word "Recession" or a tip about living frugally again, I'll be happy. There is a reason the word "recession" exists and it is directly related to the fact that it can't always be a boom or a plateau. So deal.

If you want to complain about something, complain about the new look of Boston.com or about the fact that digital tv stinks.

Have you seen the new Boston.com website? First of all, this box:

annoys me. Surely the webmasters over there can at least set the list up to rotate through town names. And when you click on the the red arrow next to "Your Town" it brings you to this box:

Apparently the Globe/Boston.com is only read by people in those 12 towns. No wonder they are hemorrhaging money. People in those communities have mortgages to pay and Prius payments to make. They read Boston.com for free, they aren't going to pay for a $40 a month Globe delivery. And once Boston.com becomes a pay site, they aren't going to read it at all.

And after the lame "Your Town" box is the lame news area:

This is another section that needs to be refreshed with frequency. There are some days when I check this section in the morning, and then again in the afternoon, and nothing will have changed.

Ugh. Lame.

Oh and about the digital tv business. Well let's see. It doesn't work properly when it rains, is windy, a helicopter flies over, someone sneezes....

Totally annoying and a good as any reason to keep my Netflix account.

Not news

2009-08-13T17:16:00.002-04:00

Sometimes news is news - something big happens and people report on it.

Sometimes news is not news, but instead it is a press release that a public relations person would like to see in print, preferably in a "news" format. Press releases are about the only written word that is perfectly ok to reprint nearly verbatim without having to attribute a source.

And then sometimes you read something that just really leaves you wondering "what the huh?"

Like Christopher Muther's article on Boston.com about Karen Bartolomei, who evidently would very much like to become the stationary queen of Boston. I do not know what the point of this article is at all. To take up white space in the Lifestyle section? As a favor for her PR person?

Ms. Bartolomei is described as being "delicately pretty" and "high energy" who is "quietly building a stationary empire" of f*cking expensive as sh*t paperie products.

And when I say f*cking expensive, I mean f*cking expensive!

Wedding paperie ensemble suites or whatever she calls wedding invites are described in the article as being for "monied brides" who spend $10,000 to $50,000 on her product, a figure that ranges up to $70,000 for the monied, monied, bride.

(A cursory check of her website seems to show that 100 invites for the less monied bride starts at $4000. If it seems like a lot, it is.)

As to the point of this article, I don't see it. If you can afford that kind of $$$ for wedding invitations, you probably have already left the Boston Globe for dead and have started getting the New York Times delivered. Everyone else is going to order their invites online.

And if you do send out that kind of invitation, everyone is going to know you have nothing better to do with your money, and that is sort of tacky, just so you know.

You are better off going to Crane.

PS: I can 100% guarantee you that if you take that $10,000 from the invites budget and switch it over to the alcohol budget, everyone you invite will have a $10,000 better time.

Oh and...

PPS: The "delicately pretty" Ms. Bartolomei the same Ms. Bartolomei who used that famous "high energy" to knock over some police barricades after a fatal fire on Emerson Street a few years ago and then proceeded to use her self-described "potty mouth" to get herself arrested. Click HERE to read all about it, it's the second story. Seems to me that the Paperie Cut Queen is not only "quietly building a stationary empire" but is simultaneously trying to quietly dismantle her image as a totally obnoxious, self-absorbed jerk.

OMG this blog again?!?!

2009-08-12T21:08:00.002-04:00

I have been a majorly lame duck when it comes to poor old Shamrag.

It's a little bit that I have not felt at all funny this year, a little bit that Calamity Shazaam has taken over my life, and a little bit of blog burnout.

But when I think about just never writing it again, well I can't quite give her up just yet. SO I am going to set making the decision at 1000 posts. Write now (get it? get it? it's a pun! get it?) Shamrag is somewhere in the 700 range. At this rate I will have to decide if the 'rag gets to stay or go in about a year and a half.

Unless I really want to finish her off and then it would be in more like a year.

Which gives me ample time to get the funny back. Similar to getting the sexy back only not as skinny.

Summer refund

2009-07-23T22:42:00.003-04:00

I know that talking about The Weather is, uh, passe, but I just want to say that I want a mulligan.

Seriously.

I barely even have a farmer's tan. Being excited on account of two consecutive days without rain is depressing.

I want it hot HOT. I want to stick to car seats. I want to go for a swim at the beach. I want ice cream to melt down the side of the cone. I want heat and strong sunlight and dry ground and sand flicking off the back of my flip-flips.

Things are dire when you can't find your sunglasses, but aren't too pushed to get a new pair...

Y'know what I mean?

At the least it could be raining Diet Coke....

www.nataliedee.com

When Scrabble smarts collide....

2009-07-13T18:42:00.005-04:00

it, well, it just smarts...

Me n' the other half of Team SmartiePants failed to notice the following error:

Let me just say that yes, I DO actually know how to spell u-n-s-a-l-t-e-d correctly.

It's just that I was giddy at being able to use ALL my letters in one go. Not only that, if I HAD spelled "unsatled" correctly I would have hit both double word scores.

Double word score + double word score + 50 point bonus = a bajillion points!

But I don't feel so terrible because 1) neither of us copped on to this error until well into the game (yep, stupidity loves company), and b) we both got a turn to lay down all our tiles.

Sweet!

Sign ' the Times - Part Two

2009-07-09T22:09:00.006-04:00

So I guess what they meant when they said coming soon....

Is that a whole brand new building was literally going to be coming soon.

Wow.

'Membah when it was Nash's

View Larger Map

And yeah, tonight, it was a beautiful night.

On being sick

2009-07-08T19:49:00.000-04:00

In my universe there are four levels of sick:

Level One: is sick and tired. Happens occasionally. Usually around day 21. Whatevs.

Level Two: is the Screwyou Flu. This dreadful malady hits you the Friday before a long weekend, or slightly less obviously, the Tuesday after a long weekend. I typically get this flu when I've gone too long without a random holiday. Signs of this illness include getting all my work completely done before the end of the day, skipping lunch, and using extra tissues.

Level Three: Allergies. I get them all the time - spring (blooms), summer (heat & dust), fall (leaves), winter (indoors too long). I am also allergic to cats and gods and unloading the dishwasher and filling the gas tank. Anytime I sniffle or cough, it's an allergy.

Level Four: Food poisoning. I cook, I don't follow direction, I will eat cheese that I accidentally left out all night, and I regularly eat stuff a littletinyweenyittybittybit past the expiration date. Oops it's the poops that get me every time! And since I write about food related things I write about this level of sick with alarming frequency (yep I checked). Oddly enough I am therefore totally paranoid about cooking for others, which is why I turn into Baba Yaga at Thankgiving. Yaga, not WaWa. The rule of Level Four is that I only poison myself.

Level Five: SICK. This is when allergies can't be cured with Claritin, or Emergen-c, or garlic, or pho, or spicy food. This is when a virus or bacteria invades your system and there is nothing you can do about it but smash it to bits with severe antibiotics (if it's bacteria that is). Oh and lots of fluids and bedrest. I hardly ever really get to this level. Usually I can garlic, C, or pho my way out of it.

So that is where I am right now, Level Five. And it totally sucks. I am a dreadful patient. I am impatient and it's hard for me to lie in bed all day. I thought I would be a productive sick person and do laundry, but the kibosh was put on that plan because I couldn't even get the laundry together without feeling dizzy and winded.

For the past couple of days I've had a dreadful cough and a sore throat. I haven't been able to eat much because the coughing makes me want to puke. And I can only really eat soft foods because of the throat. Plus I have been drinking about an ocean of water which is good for my skin, but bad because I keep having to go pee and if I don't go right away and I start the uncontrollable coughing, I wet myself a tiny bit. Which is why I was going to do laundry today, since I am quickly running out of underpants.

*sigh*

I f*cking HATE being sick.

Wait. Did you get the same call today too?

2009-07-07T19:26:00.004-04:00

From the Fireman's Local 718 (617-288-2100) around 1pm today telling you that your local firehouse was closed today by the Menino administration and that you should call the Mayah (617-635-4500) and complain? Because the Mayah was putting YOUR life and the life of YOUR family in danger?

What kind of sh*t is that?

I would like to be put on the do not call list for dumbass Boston petty politic bullcrap. Thanks.

Oh and PS: the local firehouse wasn't closed today.

Oh and PPS: I am not necessarily knee-jerk anti-union, but I am against dumbasses who have lost the point. Yeah, complain about the money going into your pocket, but where was all this effort when you wanted to get new mechanics to check brake lines and equipment function and all that sort of thing?

Oh and PPSS: And when I say dumbasses, I mean union officials. Because most of the ordinary firefighters I've met, do it because they like to fight fires and stuff. Not because of the money. I would love the money too, but there is no way I would ever want to do that job.

Oh and PPPSSS: I am done now.

Oh my god make it stop!

2009-07-07T19:05:00.003-04:00

So you know when you check something online at work, only you really shouldn't be online, and the office is super quiet and everyone is diligently working super hard?

Yeah that time.

I find it completely annoying that the entire Boston.com website is silent EXCEPT for the weather page. Well I don't know if the entire site is silent, but the pages I check out are EXCEPT for the frickin' weather page. WTF? Sound should be optional.

Whenever I click on the Weather page, there those frickin' meteorologists are yapping about "precip" and "stalled low pressure systems" and stuff. And for some reason it is always totally loud. It is basically my computers way of saying: HEY EVERYONE, SHE'S SURFING THE NET OVER HERE WHILE YOU CHUMPS ARE ALL HARD AT WORK! SUCKAS! because I can't find the mute or pause button fast enough.

Sometimes I hate my computer. And I always hate the Boston.com weather page.

A few wobbly shots...

2009-07-05T16:06:00.008-04:00

Skyyyyyyyyyyyy rockets in flight!

July 4th, 2009

2009-07-05T15:48:00.003-04:00

For the past few years we've gone over to my Grandad's apartment by the Pru to watch the fireworks. And so this year, even though Grandad is still at the rehab center, we went anyway.

In my opinion, the fireworks should come on at 10. And Keith Lockhart is a pompous git.

But what I DO love is the flyover:

And the fireworks. Especially when they are so loud your sternum vibrates and all around the city car alarms are going whooopwhooopwhooop banbanban beeeboobeeebooo:

(as seen from the balcony on the 24th floor!)

I am glad to be an American. For all the f*cked up crazy sh*t that makes up this wacky nation, I would not trade my citizenship for anywhere else.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of other great places to live, but not for me thanks.

Where the fck have I been? Where the fck have YOU been!

2009-06-30T20:24:00.002-04:00

How is it possible that tomorrow is July 1?

I cannot explain the hemorrhage that has been the month of June. The CelebrityDeath-a-Thon, the weather, the economy, the Swine flu, the $300,000.00 parking space, the pursuit of vote integrity in Iran, the decision by the US Supreme Court regarding drug analysis, the Grandview Topless Coffee Shop in Maine burned down, Madoff actually got 150 years in jail AND they took away the wifey's money, the sales tax is going up, and again with the weather.

I want a f*cking beach day already!

Scrape the moss off and let me know when we have two fully sunny days in a row.

Letting at the Goodwill

2009-06-22T19:50:00.002-04:00

I have wayyy too much stuff. Things, objects, projects that never quite happened... you know the drill.

So I sold stuff at a yard sale on Saturday and then what didn't sell went to the Goodwill. So far so good.

Except for that yesterday I was looking at my cabinet and I counted my champagne glasses. One.. two... three.. four.. five...

Five...

Five?

That's not the right amount of champagne glasses.

And then it hit me: the sixth glass had gotten mixed up accidentally into the yard sale things. I knew I had seen it forlornly sitting on a table at the end of the day and so it must have made it to the Goodwill.

I mean, I just knew it. *sigh*

So today at lunch I dragged my co-worker over to the Goodwill. When we dropped everything off, they made us bring it to the main store rather than the trailer so I had a pretty reasonable idea that it might be in the store by Monday.

And while my co-worker browsed the clothing racks, I combed the glassware. To no avail.

But then one of the Goodwill employees started unloading a large cart and the stuff started looking familiar. I made a beeline.

Sure enough at the bottom was the carton with the cups and glasses from that one table at the yard sale. And lo and behold - there was the champagne glass!

Woo hoo! I could not believe my good luck.

Oh but then you know what I remembered at work? There were only five champagne glasses, I never got a full set of six, since I had found them at the Goodwill in the first place! I had gotten rid of the 6^th one because it didn't quite match (slightly smaller, different stem) and I had quite totally forgotten.

Ahh hahahahahah! Whoops!

Oh well, into the cabinet it went anyway. I will just use that one the next time I have five other people over to drink champagne with me!

You'll get mail!

2009-06-16T23:13:00.002-04:00

In this day and age of email and text and Facebook and Twitter and IM and DM and everything else, sometimes you forget what it is like to actually get mail.

Mail that isn't a bill or a circular or a solicitation, that is.

I am talking about the fun kind of mail, personally addressed to you, just to say "hey, how's it going?".

Well I have a couple of postcards I picked up and I am going to mail them out. There are 6 cards, so the first six people to email me with a name and an address will get a card sent out.

Note: These are scenic postcards, nothing inappropriate. And I won't write anything inappropriate on them either. Even if you ask me nicely. And I guess I should say one per email.

I said it once before, I will say it again.

2009-06-16T22:56:00.002-04:00

I don't like this digital tv business.

Yes, I have the converter. Yes, I have an antenna.

But now that the analog signal has also been turned off, the new digital signal barely comes in. The antenna I bought for my tv was meant to be some awesome super-strength digital signal sucker. But really all I get is a couple of channels that mostly break apart into little squares.

Which seems to get worse when the wind blows, or when a helicopter flies by, or if I walk by the tv, or if mercury is in retrograde.

I no longer get channel 7, which is fine since their programming has fallen down the crapper although this also rules out that weird channel 7-2 that shows old B movies. I still don't get channel 38. And annoyingly I now don't quite get the WGBH channel 44 selections. Which is a bummer for a PBS geek like me. Although I guess I won't feel so guilty any more about not donating to PBS since I won't be able to see the fundraising drives.

Possibly the most annoying thing about this conversion is that now when the signal breaks apart, not only does the picture fall apart, but the voices chop up. At least before with the analog signal you might not be able to get the picture, but you could still get the sound normally. Listening to a signal that is breaking up, where you are getting about every third word, is going to drive someone bonkers one of these days.

Hopefully that won't be me! I have been meaning to cut out my tv time, so I guess this would be the right time.

See you later alligator

2009-06-12T18:30:00.004-04:00

I am going camping!

Well not really camping, more like camping out. We have this house see, up in Vermont, and time has come to sell it.

The buyer for the land is in place, but they cannot take the house (very specific buyer, thankfully not a developer tho) so we are going to have to decide what to do with the house and the contents.

The contents part is easy. Mostly it's just the odds and ends kind of furniture that you find in a camp house - a garish couch circa 1976 thankfully covered by a sheet, chipped plates, a rug from the dump.

But the house is special. It's a pre-Civil war farmhouse.

It is virtually untouched inside. No electricity, no running water, there is even an outhouse.

Unless we find someone to take it away, it's going to be torn down. Which would be a shame.

So if you know of anyone who really would like to live just like Laura Ingalls did in the Big Woods, let me know.

I really would hate for this to be the end of the road for the little house that could.

If Boston was a one newspaper town...

2009-06-09T18:13:00.004-04:00

This is what your afternoon read would be:

How about the 19 year old stripper (!) who had a "torrid" relationship with a teacher when she was a junior (in high school!) and just 18, who is now suing the high school for allowing their relationship to "flourish". She claims that a teacher she confided asked her out instead (oops!) and still another decided to pop into the strip club (Centerfolds!) where she worked (!) for a lap dance.

Get the f*ck outta here! You cannot make this stuff up.

In other news, two lowly drug dealers shot, dismembered, and cooked their drug wholesaler on account of them owing him $70K and it was just easier to kill him than pay him. Can you imagine if that kind of street thuggery was taken to the executive level? Madoff would have been chuck roast by now.

Meanwhile, over at the Globe, a slightly different news preference prevails:

YAWN!

Hmm. Must be Sunday afternoon.

2009-06-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

The cloud cover is rolling back in.

*sigh*

Too much Tuesday

2009-06-02T20:02:00.004-04:00

I am pretty convinced that time occurs differently that how people think it does.

How else do you explain how the Friday before a long weekend is a third longer than a regular Friday? Or how vacation time passes a quarter faster than work time?

You see?

Here it is only Tuesday and I am wondering how come it isn't really already Thursday....

Well, here are a few pictures I took yesterday on my stroll through the South End. I grew up in the South End; we went to Tony's (the fruit & veg shop where Formaggios is now), bought Jordan almonds at the Syrian store, had bologna sandwiches at the Premier Deli, and laughed that our fancy friends weren't allowed to cross over to this side of the river.

The Syrian store is still there. And one of these days I am going to buy myself that big gold tray.

This is a jeweler near the Syrian store. I am not sure what is going on there with the display, but I like it. Very blobby and pretty.

The intersection of Waltham and Shawmut. I like this view. I also think that it is funny/sad that the old Waltham Tavern is now a fancy condo. Hahahaha!

Too bad the Sahara building is falling apart. Not so bad that it hasn't been made into luxury condos with high end finishes and gleaming hardwood floors that will stun you.

Is it Friday yet. Seriously. WTF?

It's been a while

2009-05-31T18:19:00.005-04:00

I feel like I've been neglecting poor old Shamrag. I can't seem to help it though, it's been one of those stretches where I've been feeling like my life has been fitting like an old pair of jeans that are still just a bit of a tight squeeze.

I keep having to suck it in, and the muffintop... As a result, nothing funny has been coming out.

It all sort of came to a head this weekend, starting with Friday night when I went to play trivia at Trident and did nothing but abuse my dear and patient trivia partner. Well, not so much abuse him, but I definitely crabbed his ear off.

Whoops!

So I stayed pretty much to myself this weekend. I guess I needed it. I guess I am not quite back comfortably in the life pants just yet.

Well at least now Mercury is out of retrograde. That should make a difference.

The house began to twitch...

2009-05-31T17:12:00.004-04:00

This day started off sunny and gorgeous!

Look at my overgrown garden! But I have to take pictures so I know what not to pull out in the spring thinking it's a weed...

And then the clouds rolled in. Yes, these pictures look a lot like pictures I've taken before but these are from today - note the leafy green difference.

You know, with all this damp weather around here it's probably a good idea to start checking behind your ears for little mushrooms.

Oh hot sunny day, I hardly knew ye.

You remind me of the babe...

2009-05-26T22:10:00.003-04:00

Oh yeahhhhh I was at the Labyrinth sing & quote-a-long last night at the Coolidge Corner Theater. There were props and everything! And let me tell you, having a full theater sing along with you to "it's ohhhhnnly forever, not long aaaaaaat alllllllll" is really quite a thrill.

As my friend A-Banana said "Wow, that sure is some amount of make up he is wearing" (something like that anyway). But I don't care. David Bowie was my first real celebrity crush and I am still not over it yet.

Frankly, I may never get over it.

I would say that more than alcohol was involved.

2009-05-24T14:30:00.002-04:00

From Boston.com:

Boat flies out of Maine pond, lands in trees
May 24, 2009

SHAPLEIGH, Maine—Authorities say someone from Massachusetts suffered life-threatening injuries when a boat flew out of a Maine pond and landed eight feet off the ground in some trees.

The Maine Warden Service says four people, all from Massachusetts, were aboard the boat in Square Pond in Shapleigh when it crashed around 1:30 a.m. Sunday. Two of them were injured.

Sgt. Tim Place says alcohol was probably involved.

I am no physicist but I would guess that something more considerable than just alcohol was definitely involved.

And in other, sicker, news I am secretly impressed that a fellow Masshole managed to wing a boat out of a lake and into a tree.

How to remove a day from your life.

2009-05-21T21:05:00.002-04:00

6:18am: The phone rings.

Never.A.Good.Sign.

Me: ughshufnsl$9@*@&4?

Mom: Your grandfather fell and you need to take him to the hospital and I can't take him because I have a meeting at 8 and can you take him because he fell last night and now he can't feel his leg or something.

Me: Huh?

6:19am: My day fall completely off this dimension.

So here is the long version. Make some popcorn, get a beer.

Mom calls me, I call Grandpa, Sister calls me, I call Dad, Mom calls Sister, and I end up zipping over to Grandpa's apartment because as it turns out he did indeed fall and now cannot move off of his bed.

I am at his house by about 6:40am. The maintenance man lets me in and lo and behold Grandpa is in fact lying in his bed, wrapped in a sheet like a mummy.

Curious.

Our conversation goes a little like this:

"So uh Gramps, what happened here?"

"Welllllllll I was going to sit down to put in my eye drops and I lost my balance and ended up on the floor. And when the police came, the EMT's looked me over and well I figured I was ok because I was able to stand up and then they put me back in bed like this and said to call in the morning if I didn't feel good and now I can't feel my leg too much and I have to pee. Owwwww!"

*sigh*

I hope that there is no part of me that decides to tough out pain when I am 93.

Grandpa tells me that he does not want me to call 9-1-1 for an ambulance. He wants me to call his own doctor and ask him to send an ambulance over. This is a ridiculous idea to me, because Dr. JTK is going to just tell me to call 9-1-1 and then he is going to think "What kind of a sh*tty granddaughter waits to call 9-1-1 while dear old Grandpa lies about with a possibly smashed-up hip anyway?"

But there really isn't any point to argue with Grandpa so I page Dr. JTK and I am on the phone with him by 7am.

PS: I love Dr. JTK. Everyone loves him. He could charms the birds from the sky he is that kind of awesome.

Of course he tells me to call the ambulance. AND I know what HE'S thinking. (see above)

The ambulance comes and by 8am or so we are on our way to the hospital. I ride in the back with Grandpa and Benny. I could, for lots of reasons, never be a paramedic but mainly because I get horribly carsick and would barf all over the patients.

Also for the record we totally lucked out today as far as medical professionals go.

Benny and Stan take us over to the hospital. They were great, very calming and reassuring, and just really restored my faith in people who do their job well for such little recognition.

Oh but importantly, let me just say that once we arrived at the Emergency Room the space-time continuum collapsed on me completely. I know that x-rays were taken and that tests were administered and that I sent about 700 text messages and talked to about 47 different staff and other traumas swirled in and out, but really from about 8:30am until about 2:45pm when my sister arrived, I have no clue how the time passed.

But it was definitely not in a blur because I can tell you all the weird little details, like how I saw evidence of two very bloody traumas come in and out - presumably out to operating rooms. And how when Grandpa is asked if can feed himself, he tells the WHOLE story of how one of my aunts comes up periodically and fills his freezer with homemade chicken pot pies, not just yeah he feeds himself. And that Melissa, the fantastic nurse who tended to Grandpa, had no problem giving him half an Oxycodone for the pain because even though he wanted to "tough it out" she was like "please, spare me". And that also my Sister and I took goofy photos of Grandpa and us in dumbass poses, much to our hysterical amusement.

When I finally looked at the clock, Sister and I were sitting in the Observation area, where they move you before moving you on, and it was 4pm.

How the f*ck did that happen? One minute I am in my comfy bed, minding my own business, and the next I am sitting in the Observation area wait for the transport to the rehab center.

Whoa!

I shoulda gotten the other half of that Oxy is what.

Oh and as it turns out, THANKFULLY, Grandpa did not break anything. Well, he is sure he broke his skinny ol'behind, but I say he was born with that crack in it...

We finally get to the rehab center. He looks like crap. I look like crap. We both sort of feel like crap, but he is on that Oxy high so I win the feel like crap contest.

But since he is the patient he gets cleaned up and tucked in by nurse Diane who we both now love completely because she is unbelievably nice and no bullsh*t. Not only that, but Gramps gets dinner delivered to his bed - a chicken sandwich, sherbert, puddings (two!), nasty soup, and some sort of protein in a can. I steal the peanut butter & jelly sandwich he doesn't want because frankly neither of us has eaten much and we are both famished.

By 7:45 I am DONE. But first Sister comes to get me and we both go back to Grandpa's apartment to get him some clothing and shoes and a book, oh and his Walkman. Because it turns out he can't do his physical therapy nekkid and shoeless. Rules, rules, rules! Geez, time to break a few if you ask me. We then schlepp the bag BACK to rehab before finally saying an official goodbye, so long sucka, to Gramps.

At this point I have this peculiar zombie like feeling and a certain sneaking feeling that this day did not in fact happen. Totally bizarro. Hospital-land time and regular-land time don't seem to be in sync at all. It was like being in a Seinfeld episode. I was up, I did stuff, things occurred, people talked, BUT NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED.

Weird!

I finally rolled in at 9pm and stole my housemates last Vanilla Coke Zero. I know she won't mind, but since this day didn't really even happen for me, maybe she'll never even know!

Oh and I would like to thank the following people for being so awesome and not letting this day suck: EMT's Benny and Stan, BWH nurse Melissa, Dr.'s Perkins, Wall, Katz, & Tan, Cataldo transport, SRH nurses Jamie and Diana, and mostly my Sister who knows EXACTLY what I mean when I say "ok, who flipped the turtle?", and Mom and Dad and Betsy. And also Anna and Brandon for being like "don't worry about it, we got it" because they totally do.

Locally made VW

2009-05-13T23:21:00.003-04:00

I got this from the Evil Twin who was stuck behind them in traffic.

Maybe they bought it secondhand from their local dealer?

I don't know what it is, but I don't like bumperstickers anyway. They are rarely funny after the first laugh, and anyway most of the time they are sanctimonious bits of crap. Or worse, they are taped on. People who tape bumperstickers to their bumper with tape ought to have their car taken away from them for two weeks.

But I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that the above referenced vehicle was purchased secondhand. At least it wasn't a Prius.

Happy Early Mother's Day

2009-05-05T22:29:00.002-04:00

Mom, if you are reading this, STOP reading right now. There is nothing here that you need to read.

Ok, so for Mother's Day I was hemming and hawing about what to get my mom. The woman has everything she needs in life and moah. And even though she loves to eat, there is no point to take her out because her favorite meal is homemade, at home, with the people she loves around her.

Hmmm, ok, she has everything and likes food and is generous and wants everyone to be happy.... what would be THE perfect gift?

A Kiva micro loan natch!

Yep, for $25 I made a micro loan to a woman named Ingrid who lives in South America on my mom's behalf. Ingrid has a restaurant and my Mom works for a restaurant, so I figured it was fate. Ingrid requested a loan from Kiva in order to purchase new tables, chair, and equipment to update her restaurant and had already paid back one Kiva loan to start her restaurant, plus she had a nice photo with a decent write-up.

Not only that, but Ingrid plans to repay the loan within the next 11 months, just in time for Mothers Day 2o10! The gift that keeps on coming back to be given again! Sweet!

If you are stuck on what to give YOUR mom this year, I highly recommend a micro-loan from Kiva. And be sure to pick the loan that gets repaid in time for next year's regifting. Er, I mean re-lending!

(Please note that I am not a financial planner of any kind whatsoever, and that as with any financial lending, risk is involved. So read the dang fine print please!)

Wow, times ARE tough.

2009-05-03T20:04:00.002-04:00

Because apparently this recession isn't just financial.

I heard three different radio ads this afternoon for supplements that are supposed to make dicks bigger. By the third one I was just plain laughing out loud. From the sounds of it there are thousands of teeny weenys out there clamouring for these supplements. So much so that they are rushing these supplements out the door to cover millions of advance orders. This is the claim anyway from the same guy who claimed that the reason he developed this amazing product was because he had lived with four women in college and all they ever talked about was how size matters.

Yeah, right, that's what women sit around talking about. Massive ginormous penises.

In pornos maybe.

Hmmmm although.... if they invent a supplement that could get a weiner to do laundry or windows, I would totally invest in that.

If you can't say anything nice, then don't.

2009-05-02T20:36:00.002-04:00

I don't want to talk about it but let me just say that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts needs to make sure that the highway engineers that they hire must be born and raised in Massachusetts, and like at least 2nd generation Masshole at that.

Engineers who are not from here think that somehow Mass drivers are going to magically change if given the chance to drive on an improved design.

That is not the case.

Once a Masshole, always a Masshole. Can't be helped.

Perfect example is the on-ramp to the Expressway at Neponset. A total clusterf*ck no matter when you try to get on it because somehow the lane is slightly wider than a single car.

Theoretically this should allow for a smooth, zipper-like, entry onto the highway. But no, in Massachusetts this is just enough of an opening for the Masshole driver to scoot around the car in front. Basically turning the lane into two lanes that are then trying to merge into one lane. Which makes for a massive clusterf*ck knot of traffic that usually backs up to the Granite Ave exit, sometimes down to practically East Milton Square even.

It's like this at the Mass Ave entrance to the Expressway also.

I get it that highway designers and engineers want to credit the drivers of Massachusetts with the abilty to evolve and improve on their driving skills, but it won't happen. Massholes never change, they just graduate to Lincoln Town Cars.

But, like I said, I don't want to talk about it.

And the crowd goes wild.....

2009-04-26T08:41:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I am putt-putt-puttering around in my backyard, illuminating all around me with the pale glow of fish-belly whiteness when I hear a pretty decent "whrrrrroooooooooaaarrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh".

Mind you I live near two ballparks: Fenway Pahk and Fenway Pahk Junior (aka Jim Rice Field). I quite honestly thought that the "whrrrrroooooooooaaarrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh" was coming from Fenway Pahk Jr.

Yep, I thought THAT kind of noise was coming from a Little League game. Is it even Little League season? Anyway, that is the noise of a sh*tload of Sawx fans going nuts and I could hear it from over here.

I swear to spirit that this year I am going to learn to understand baseball. Which might in turn get me to like baseball. I have gone to two games in my life - once when I was 17 with my Dad to watch the Sox lose to the Milwaukee Brewers, and once with friend where I promptly got tanked and still have very little recollection of the game. It could have been rained out for all I know.

But I sort of feel like having some working knowledge of baseball would be a good thing. It would give me something to talk about with 87% of the Boston population from April to October, possibly through November.

Wait, what does the infield fly rule mean again? Oh yeah, this is going to be a LONG summer.

Adventures in tailoring

2009-04-24T21:39:00.002-04:00

I went and dropped off two pairs of pants to be hemmed and one skirt that needed a zipper replaced.

Sounds pretty routine right? Hahahah! Have we met? Nothing in my life is ever routine.

Let me tell you about going to the tailor.

So my dear friend T-ster calls me up and says:
"heywhachoodoinletsgetdinneranddoyouhaveanythingyouneedtogettailored?becauseIamgoingtoseethiswomanwhoisatailorandIgother namefromafriendandsheisreallygoodandcheap.seeyouinhalfanhour."

T-ster runs about 17 times faster than the normal human being, so that is how most of our conversations typically run. And usually I don't get the whole story over the phone, so I wasn't too sure of exactly what we were going to really be doing or where exactly we were going, but I knew enough to get my clothes together that needed hemming or mending, and I knew we were going to eat something.

Which frankly is all I needed to know really and half an hour later we were off.

Turns out that T-ster found out about this tailor from the friend of a friend. We were directed to a three decker on a side street outside of Uphams Corner. The front door was propped open and the doorbell, hard to find, was marked with about fourteen names. T-ster skipped all those formalities and, as instructed by the friend of his friend, went straight to a third floor apartment where a very friendly Vietnamese woman sorted out our various tailoring needs.

I swear to infinite spirit that I felt like I was going on a drug buy. It had the same elements of uncertainty and thrill. I mean really, who wouldn't want to find a really great, inexpensive, tailor?

Oh yeah, she spoke only Vietnamese, so T-ster did all the talking. Hopefully he didn't tell her to take my pants all the way up, because I look like a bozo in high-waders. All I know is that for twelve bucks I am getting all my tailoring needs taken care of.

Then we went for dinner at Pho So 1 in Fields Corner. I highly recommend the grilled shrimp with steamed rice and the fresh nem spring rolls. I would also like to give a special mention (shoutout? I guess that's what the kids call it these days...) to the two women working at Pho So 1. One woman in particular is probably the friendliest, pleasantest person in food service. Always laughing about something and totally enthusiastic about everything whenever I see her - that sort of thing is infectious, and I left feeling positively light hearted.

All around a pretty good night.

Another year, another chance to NOT run the marathon.

2009-04-19T23:21:00.003-04:00

OMFG I will never get the marathoner mentality.

Never, never, never. Ropey looking people in too short, too flimsy shorts wandering around the old town of the Bean with triangular swag bags, three days of race coverage on the nightly news, and those people who plan marathon watching parties.

Let me state again for the record: I WILL NEVER RUN A MARATHON.

This may also have something to do with seeing people piss and poop themselves rather than add minutes to their time.

I know a person who told me he runs the marathon every year. He doesn't train or anything. He doesn't even wear appropriate running clothes, he just goes and runs it. Apparently it takes him between 5 - 6 hours to finish and then he just walks home after. At first I thought he was bullcrapping me, but he has the photos and also his wife told me the same thing. He doesn't even bother getting a number. Ugh. I can't even run to the bus without wanting to vomit.

And believe me, I've tried to learn to love running, but you know what? Some people are just not the runner type. Whenever I try running I am almost immediately out of breath, my shins spontaneously combust, and I have the urge to punch someone in the nose. So probably it is better for everyone in general that I stay far away from the whole runner business.

Oh and PS: a Kenyan will win the marathon. Just in case you didn't already know.

Hey! You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

2009-04-10T18:59:00.003-04:00

There are lots of reasons I have fallen on my face with this blog, but it's slowly coming back to me. Here is a list of a few of those reasons, and thank you for your patience.

1. This winter has been too long. That is the last time I will say it. Unless of course we get one.more.snowstorm. at which point I am moving to Key West.

2. I went to France and it was amazing. I want to go back. Oh and I was jetlagged for a WEEK! Encroyable! I've never had jetlag like that before.

3. Last week a defendant was up for probation surrender and rather than take his chances with the judge he bolted from the courtroom and jumped from the second floor landing to the first floor, at least a 15 foot drop. Suffice it to say there was a law-enforcement pigpile on him and boy was he ever pissed.

4. That same day a different guy came into the court with his cellphone and when the guard said "No cellphones" the guy ran INTO the courthouse bathroom. Dumb. Another pigpile on that guy. And watching them try to get him out of the elevator and over to lockup was like watching a couple of lobsters wrestle an octopus. That guy was all over the place. I really think he had eight limbs rather than the standard four.

5. I went out into my back yard to see what was starting to come up (mint, frickin' EVERYWHERE) and I found a dead parakeet. Boo :^(

6. Did I mention the jetlag?

7. A coworker was startled to find another coworkers condom in a desk drawer. Not a private locked desk drawer mind you, a desk drawer that usually contains more run of the mill office supplies. No, it wasn't used, and yes, she gave it back to him. And now I privately refer to him as the Condommint

8. I had to print up a sign for the ladies room to ask that people flush twice when they go poop. True story: I once went into a stall and there at the bottom of the bowl was a little turd with a nut in the center, like an eyeball staring up at me. Funny and freaky. I haven't used that stall since. If it's brown, flush it down - TWICE!

9. It would seem that I am now on the worlds most expensive baby stopper that is not covered by insurance. I told my mother that for that price they should give me a gift certificate for a gigolo. She thought it was a riot and I am still sort of weirded out that I told my mom that. Whoops! It's official. Now everyone knows I am not getting any. *sigh*

10. I've been working and working so by the time I get home, I's tired and want to go to bed. And being tired sort of sucks the fun right out of me.

So there you are. But I will be back. I can just feel it.

J'arrive!

2009-03-25T10:31:00.002-04:00

This is going to be a short post for two reasons.

One, the keyboard here in France is different. The 'Q' is where le 'A' should be for starters. And quite frankly the keyboard goes down from there for me.

Two. I am using a computer in what can only be described as a daycare. It's supposed to be a library in the town hall but possible there is some sort of vacation in the school system. And les enfants are more than a little curious about the big American in their midst.

So more later I think because I am now going to teach les petites about sauce Americain (ketchup) and about le Big Gulp.

Um.

2009-03-23T16:25:00.003-04:00

I have writers block.

And in two hours I will be flying over to France. Which should help break it. Eh, you know those French people, always getting up to kooky stuff.

Ye good olde days.

2009-03-10T22:40:00.002-04:00

There is definitely not enough Scotch or Sirloin in my life.

Do you have more laid off friends than employed ones?

2009-02-28T12:52:00.002-05:00

I feel like that is slowing becoming true.

In fact this whole weird economy seems like a very long car crash in a very drawn out slow motion sequence. The car is crashed, but we're all being blown forward into the wreck in excruciating slo-mo.

Hopefully it's a fendah-bendah. But I don't recall that I ever knew so many of my friends who were laid off at the same time.

You know you are getting old when...

2009-02-28T12:46:00.002-05:00

Ok, well really I am not getting old. I look 27 and think 17. The word "poop" still makes me laugh and for the most part so does farting.

However I can mark the passing of time with certain universal milestones. For example I recover less quickly from a night out, not that I can't stay out late, but face it - I am exhausted by midnight. And now my body wants to get up early no matter what time I go to sleep, so there is that conflict.

I am also at that point where I am starting to get cynical about "youth today", because face it - they never walked to school, in the snow, five miles each way, all uphill.

The biggest "ah HA, uh oh, oh no!" moment however is when it finally dawned on my that I am losing my sweet tooth. Coming from a person who used to put sugar on Frosted Flakes, this is saying a lot.

It hit me today when I stopped at Starbucks on my way home from Russos. I got a foamy coffee and a sugary doughnut. And as I took a chunk of the doughnut I thought "ugh, too sweet". At which point I nearly crashed my car to the river.

Too sweet.

Might as well switch from Underoos to Depends.

*sigh*

Fun times with music

2009-02-15T21:09:00.002-05:00

Friday night I went to the Los Campesinos show at the Paradise. A friend asked me if I wanted to go and since I usually say 'no' to everything, I decided to start saying 'yes' more often.

Which seems to be working out well for me these days.

Anyway, I'd never heard or listened to Los Campesinos before, other than if they were played on WERS. But let me just say, Los Campesinos put on an AMAZING show. I will admit that I felt totally alien in a crowd that was made up of mostly cooky-cutter hipster lads with pouffed/shaggy hair, sideburns, scraggly beards, thin sweaters, and i-phones and hipster chickys in stripey tights, kiddie barrettes, thin sweaters, and i-phones. And I will further admit that during the soundcheck I was a little unnerved by the sight of the zylophone looking thingys.

However, once the music started... forget it. I was hooked.

The sound is hard for me to describe because I am completely unmusical. The best I can do is say that it was raucous, and delicate, and drummy, and melodious, and loud as all get out. It was a wall of noise that you could hear and understand. Which I guess is hard to explain - it's just that sometimes shows are just LOUD, you can't hear any separate sounds, just very loud noise and you leave with your ears ringing to sh*t for two days. This was loud but articulate and it was intelligent and I could still hear afterwards.

Most of the lyrics seems to be quite depressing but wrapped up in pretty paper. Except for the song below. Let me just say that this song is way, WAY, better live - but the video is very cool.

If you get a chance to see them live, I highly recommend it. And for the love of pete, leave the i-phone in your darn pocket.

Ugh. Enough with the graffarti.

2009-02-09T20:54:00.004-05:00

Look, this whole business with Frank Shepard Fairey is ridiculous. The media circus that swarmed over Roxbury District Court was nearly larger than what we usually see even for murder arraignments. And a bunch of self-righteous boobs blathering on about the "timing" and questioning the "motive" behind the warrant make me laugh.

Stupid.

I bet a stack of flapjacks that the Artist Formerly Known as Frank dropped his own dime on his own bad self. Prior to his arrest on Friday, his show at the ICA was more of a "who? oh yeah that guy" shindig. But now it is a media hoopla. And who does that benefit exactly? I mean, Mr. Fairey is no Robert Mapplethorpe, so why would anyone even care unless he wanted them too. And anyway, he could have done what hundreds of other folks with default warrants do, send your lawyer over to court and arrange for a next court date to clear it up. That's what lawyers are for, that's how the system works.

Furthermore, at the end of the day, Mr. Fairey defaced property that did not belong to him without permission. Which is a no-no, according to the law. He is no more exempt from it as the kid who put this on my house is:

Which, by the way, I reported to the BPD. With photos. Because you just never know. It's not art to me.

Art is relative, and similar to pornography in that you "know it when you see it". And everyone's taste is different. One person's graffiti, is another person's graffarti.

A simple test. Pick one photo below and imagine someone you don't know and will likely never meet, spray painting it across your front door:

And yeah, you HAVE to pick one. Because part of what graffiti is is living with someone else's choice of art.

Have fun and remember to give this much of a crap about the criminal system when more serious issue arise.

I hate this newfangly digital tv business. But I like it a little... sometimes.

2009-02-01T18:23:00.002-05:00

No, I hate it.

The f*cking signal keeps going weak and so the picture scrambles. Which I could deal with, but what is totally annoying is that the sound also breaks up. At least with my old rabbit ears the picture might get snowy, but the sound was still ok.

Sorry, but a horribly stuttering tv is probably going to be the thing that finally turns me off tv completely. Because there is nothing more annoying to me than hearing every third or fourth word. If you can't imagine what it is like, try having someone flick the mute button on and off randomly. For full effect occasionally turn the tv off randomly as well, which is what it is like when the signal goes weak.

Oh, and I no longer get channel 38 (WSBK), but I do get four channels of WGBH 44. Which would be great, only without the stutter.

I get it that there are still glitches in the system, but really I would give back those four channels of WGBH to get the rabbit ears again. And I refuse to get cable again.

So I guess my long relationship with the telly is coming to an end.
Which is probably a good thing.

Ugh. I want my two hours back.

2009-01-26T22:14:00.002-05:00

I decided to go do some laundry tonight over in Dorchester. I was hoping to also get a nice big bowl of pho while I was at it, but guess what?

It's the Asian New Year.

Every single Vietnamese pho place was closed for the holiday. So that sort of blew. But Happy New Year!

The second bummer of the night was that almost every TV at the laundromat were tuned to The Bachelor. I frickin' CANNOT stand that show.

All these perfectly nice women getting up to the most absurd shenanigans to get the attentions of this guy - the Bachelor - who frankly seems to be a major tool with VERY white teeth. And then at the end he has to bump a few of them off the show. But not before making them all sing to him, and make out with him, and then beg him to keep them on the show. Blech.

Ugh. Seriously. There is something about that show that really weirds me out.

Click on the images to make them warmer. I mean larger.

2009-01-25T21:37:00.004-05:00

It is warm somewhere. And at some point it will be warm here too.

I promise.

Most annoying thing I heard today

2009-01-23T17:42:00.003-05:00

Well, not really, but close. I hear a TON of annoying things in a day and this was what stuck.

It was: "I need you to do me a favor."

In my mind, one is supposed to request a favor. As in: "Can you please do me a favor?" Not tell someone they have to do something to accommodate a need.

It came out of the mouth of someone who acts smarter than they are, and it is impossible to tell this person anything because they think they know everything anyway. Which may also explain the annoyance.

Before you think that I am a complete phrasing madwoman, let me just point out that I am very good at saying things like "the proof is in the pudding" and "having your cake and eating it too".

Of course the proof isn't IN the pudding, but rather the proof is in the eating of said pudding. And really what people want is to eat their cake and then still have it for later.

All this just to say that you shouldn't tell people to do you favors. You ought to be asking. And I swear I am not this retentive about things in general. But really at the end of the day, our language is all we've got, so we ought to use it correctly.

I know that I am not the only one here...

2009-01-20T18:19:00.002-05:00

Do those Iceland Health radio ads creep you out too? Creep-ola AND unbelievably irritating.

Basically the kindly folk of Iceland are soooo concerned about the health of us Americans that they are giving away bottles of fish pills. And to do so they are flooding the airways with radio ads that sound like Seven of Nine's younger sister, Twelve of Fourteen, talking - and struggling mightily with the words. Like a borg. Totally creepy.

Seemingly if you call an 800 number, or go online, you can get your free sample. I didn't see it on the website, but then again I didn't really look all that hard.

My theory is that the prime minister of Iceland is still pissed at his European "friends" for not bailing out his country financially, and now he is trying to win over the US. Or maybe he just wants to annoy the crap out of us until we send him a bailout package.

Well, I doubt if we'll assimilate into the collective that readily. Unless those pills really do counteract the effects of eating a cheeseburger.

Hooray for the little things in life.

2009-01-16T19:41:00.003-05:00

There is nothing like a grim and freezing January to drive a person inside! But there are a few things about being indoors that I like, so I try to do those few things as much as possible.

One thing is taking a bath. Face it, it is too cold to go hanging about outside, so you find yourself sitting around inside... and well you might as well sit around in a hot bath, in a steamy bathroom, with a nice drink and a very trashy read. I recommend a tropical bubble bath like the Body Shop's Satsuma Foaming Bath, or the Sweet Coconut Milk High Foaming Bubble Bath from philosophy. A Dark & Stormy goes well with a bath, but a splash of Buffalo Trace in ginger ale is equally ideal. Any glossy publication from the drugstore will do, but be sure to remove those pesky inserts. If you are more bookish, I highly recommend any romance written by Jilly Cooper - overblown romantic cotton candy for the brain, but English and filled with watered silks and Wellies. For the music, well right now I am back to Audrey Ryan and Gretel because I love their music and plus they've gotten me through the gray months in the past. But you have to find music that makes you happy for this plan to work. Oh and wear sunglasses. I swear this is what makes ALL the difference!

Another thing I love is going to the gym in the evening. Since the days are so short it's going to be dark no matter when I get out of work and anyway the gym where I go is sort of full from about 5 to 7. I was trying to go early in the morning, but I just cannot do it in the cold AND dark. Brrrrrrrrrrrr. So I go at around 8/8:30pm during the week and it is great. The few people there at that hour seem friendlier than the early morning grouches. I know I am. So then I get nice and warmed up, come home, have a quick hot shower, and hop into bed by ten. Not only am I finally totally defrosted, but this plan forces me into getting a full night of sleep which is something I am pretty lousy about.

And finally cooking and listening to music. You can read about my cooking adventures and eating travels over at Calamity Shazaam. But the music part is the key component. In the warmer, outdoors, months I don't entirely feel comfortable wearing earphones because, well, I just don't. Furthmore I find that I tend to listen to the same thing over and over and over again when half my time is spent out of the house. Which means that when I am cooped up in the house I actually listen to the music and therefore need more variety. The best time for me to listen through the dusty recesses of my music collection is when I am cooking and sort of trapped at the stove or sink with dripping utentsils and boiling pans. I cook better to music, although occasionally this backfires, like it did when I listened to too much Bob Seger, which coincided with a black treacle explosion.

I know that there are other fun things to do indoors when it is digustingly cold outside, but that is a post for another day.

Besides my drink and bath are calling.

I have no excuse

2009-01-14T22:06:00.002-05:00

I have not been exercising my blogging muscle and as a result Shamrag is starting to atrophy.

Sad but true.

I am working on it, but trying to find funny in January when it is 7 degrees and slippery out is, well, trying.

All I want to do instead of write (or anything else for that matter) is burrow under the blankets with a package of Ring Dings and a bottle of Buffalo Trace.

Which so far has been a perfectly lovely substitute for doing pretty much anything else.

When the snow squalls.

2009-01-09T18:56:00.002-05:00

Last night I went over to Kimmaaaaaaayyyyy's house for spaghetti and crafts. She knitted, I crocheted, and we talked for ages.

On the drive back home it snow squalled. Nothing severe. It was puffy snow that blew about: sometimes in blasts, sometimes in swirls, sometimes slowly and in circles. It blew upwards, and downwards, and lashed across the road in long trails. It filled up all the air with fat white flakes. It was light and blowy and lovely to be in.

It stirred up a long forgotten childhood delight in the snowfall. I drove around for a bit, just delighting in the drifty, blowy, swirly, snow squall.

New Years Day Loveliness

2009-01-01T14:10:00.002-05:00

I am supposed to be cleaning house. But it is New Years Day and as you are likely hungover, here is a little visual loveliness to take the edge off.

I am not entirely sure that I've ever stopped wanting a dress decorated with ostrich feathers...

The last day of the year.

2008-12-31T18:00:00.005-05:00

You know, for some reason I felt like 2000-and-8 was going to be a better year than it turned out to actually be.

And above is the image that sums it all up for me. Chicken butt.

It has been a chicken butt kind of a year. It started off well enough for most I think*, but then chicken butt happened and everything went south. Not a wholly offensive year, with the occasional good egg event thrown in to keep us all from hurling ourselves off the cliff.

I suppose I am not alone in saying goodbye and good riddance to 2008.

And I am not thinking that I am going to wake up tomorrow and magically everything will be different, like in Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald's character thinks she is going to wake up on her birthday to newly grown boobs and a gift-wrapped car in the driveway.

No, I am pretty positive that tomorrow is going to be about the same. But it's just that it is easier to be more optimistic on the brand new day of the brand new year.

Chicken butt! Hopefully Oh-Nine will bring everyone a golden egg. Including YOU!

*I also started off '08 on a good note, seeing a really terrific guy who sadly would later prove to have a two-timin' sonofagun issue. Furthermore, I would just like to point out that in September, when I found out about that little hiccup in our relationship, the national and global financial markets collapsed. So yes, everything you've ever heard about a woman scorned is in fact true.

My poor temporary neighbors

2008-12-23T20:13:00.002-05:00

Ok well after listening to my temporary neighbors (turns out the Boy and the Girl are visiting through New Year) fight last night, I am returning the favor today by making them listen to my bipolar music mix.

Not intentionally mind you.

It's just that recently there has been a weird electromagnetic issue in my area and now it affecting my sound system. Usually I just plug in my little MP3 thingy and turn the player on. There is a volume dial and you simply twist the dial for various levels of sound.

However something happened and now I have two settings: shhh-whisper and REALLYF*CKINGLOUDQUICKTURNITDOWN!

Which always startles me. I am trying to wrap Christmas presents (and yes, before you ask, I did get you something. A pony. I hope you like it.) and I am listening to Thin Lizzy and Pilooski and CSN&Y and Kenny Chesney and Bon Iver and it's going a little something like this:

"dancing in the moonlight, it's got me in its spotlight, it's alright, it's alright, this moonlight..."

It's unnerving. I probably should turn it off while I am cutting up wrapping paper before I cut off my finger or something.

Do YOU know how your medical care is decided?

2008-12-23T19:38:00.002-05:00

I am not a great big fan of health insurance. I think it is basically a scam. But at least I have employer subsidized health insurance, and for that I am pretty grateful. I would really resent having to pay it entirely out of pocket.

Years ago I lived and worked in Ireland and I have a very vague memory of earning points towards health care, if you paid taxes you got health care - something like that. The few times I had to go see a doctor (or GP as they are called over there) I seem to remember they decided my payment that way. I dunno, it could have been sliding scale maybe. Eh, I could be imagining it.

However, I still think that forcing people to buy health insurance is a bad idea. It's insurance, not health care. You can pay for health insurance and still not be able to afford health care. And here in Massachusetts if you don't get health insurance, you'll be fined per uninsured month. And the fines aren't cheap.

Univeral health insurance is a misguided plan. And every single person who tells me that it is GREAT that EVERYONE now has access to HEALTH CARE is someone who a) doesn't pay full price because they either are covered through work or by a spouse, and b) doesn't get the difference between health CARE and health INSURANCE.

I've gone through uninsured times and I used to go to the community health center. Because I made a little too much money for free care, I paid on a sliding scale, usually between $30 and $50 a visit. Luckily I am a pretty healthy person. However now you can't even do that anymore. The only option to any uninsured is to go to the emergency room. If you want to test this theory out, call up the Joseph Smith Health Center in Brighton and ask them if they will see you even though you haven't got insurance. I give this example because when I was most recently without health insurance I had a terrible sore throat and called them up to see if I could go be seen by a doctor there. They said no, not without insurance and that without insurance the only place to be treated was the emergency room. Great.

The other draw back of being uninsured is that the prescriptions would kill me. An inhaler for asthma would run me $70 bucks. A pack of baby stoppers would run me $30. Because when you pay $7 or $10 for a prescription with insurance, that is the insurers negotiated cost. Not the street cost. It's a fricking racket.

And I think that things are going to get worse. The Globe is running a health care spotlight. Kind a tedious read, but worth it. It's a frightening thought to consider that one day just one or two insurance companies could run all the hospitals. That would suck if you were considered to be a high-risk because cancer runs in the family, or maybe you have multiple sclerosis. Or diabetes. I wonder what your premiums would be like then? And I also wonder, how will people start to feel if employers start dropping the health care benefit? It's a benefit after all, not a right.

As for me I am still lucky as far as my health goes. Knock on wood.

I am a listener. Perhaps not much of a carer, but I'll listen.

2008-12-22T21:06:00.003-05:00

And then I will write about it.

Today I had the opportunity to hear a conversation between two of my neighbors. Actually, I don't think they are my neighbors. I think they are visiting my neighbors.

At any rate no one told them about the paper-thin brick walls.

Turns out the Boy was looking at another Girl last night while Boy and Girl were out on the town.

Girl called Boy an "asswad". As in: "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSWAD ALL THE TIME FOR F*CK'S SAKE!!"

Which at first listen doesn't sound so terrible. But then the more I thought about it, the more I decided that what I DO NOT ever want to be is to be compared to something that wads up in the ass.

Blech.

Baby it's COLD outside. And wet. Blech!

2008-12-21T17:26:00.004-05:00

La Maman and I decided to brave the elements and walk over to Copley Place and find a few last minute gifts. Now I am home. My toes are nearly fully defrosted and I am about to make spaghetti with meatballs.

It was cold and wet and pretty quiet out there. For what it's worth the only packed shop was Williams-Sonoma. Read into that what you will.

Empty mall. Dangerous (but shiny! and pretty!) ornaments.

Oh and since when has there been so many sparrows flitting about inside Copley Place Mall?

Click on an image to make it BIGGER.

WTF kind of snow is this anyway?!

2008-12-20T16:07:00.002-05:00

First of all I really thought we were going to get more snow than this. I mean, for all the hype I thought it was going to be Blizzard of '78 all over again.

However I will just say that I think this snow is radioactive or something because the electronical crapola in my house is running weirdly. Let me explain.

Around 1 this afternoon I get a text from my sister asking me where I am. Seemingly she tried calling me a bunch of times and the phone would just ring and ring. So I called the cellphone provider and they couldn't figure it out either. I can make calls, but I can't get them and the callers can only get to my voicemail if they listen to about 20 seconds of dead air. Even then I don't get the voicemail unless I randomly call my mailbox.

Weird. But at least I have my land line. Which has been acting weirdly too. It will ring and when I answer it the person on the other end will wonder why I am calling them. And I am like "but you called me! I swear!".

The wireless internet is working intermittently and when I play music through my computer it skips (or hangs) constantly even though I am now using Winamp and it was working perfectly until today. I switched to my MP3 player and even that is acting up now.

It's weird. I really think that the snow is to blame. It probably really is radioactive.

Or something.

About music

2008-12-13T15:56:00.002-05:00

I once read an interview with Wayne Coyne in the New York Times where he said he was "looking forward to the day when music is a liquid they pour into your head".

Dood, I can totally relate.

Music scratches the itch on my cerebral coretex and makes me happy.

Right now though I am listening to my music via Windows Media Player and it is making me mental.

The music is constantly "hanging" which is probably THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER after all the other annoying crap in the world. Especially if you like to sing along. It's like the computer keeps stopping to think.

Eh. Whatever. At least it's a step up from a Victrola. You know, like from the days of yore.

Hidden in plain sight

2008-12-11T21:25:00.002-05:00

Isn't that how it's supposed to work:

The TARDIS in Boston.

(Forgive my crayon-like approach. The closest thing I have to a graphic design program on my computer is Microsoft Paint. Eh, you do what you can.)

First Snow of December

2008-12-07T08:24:00.004-05:00

Kind of hard to tell from these photos. But I am pretty excited.

I think that even when I am 97 I will get excited about the possibility of a snow day.

Basic Tetiquette

2008-12-05T18:32:00.004-05:00

Messenger bagged masses of the public transit system, please note: just because your bulky-ass bag is slung around on your backside does NOT mean you are not responsible for it.

(This pretty much goes for any bulky bagged rider of the MBTA, so take heed!)

I am tired of getting sucker punched by some dope, usually on the phone, totally oblivious to the 20lb wrecking ball they're slinging around out the back. Out of sight out of mind does not apply in this scenario.

The other day I was sitting next to a young woman who was in the aisle seat. First she got clocked under the chin by a dopey rider swinging an oversized tote under her arm. She then got a thwack on the back of the head from the same dopey rider who wanted to shift the bag to the other shoulder.

And the bag swinger knew she bonked the seated passenger because she then told her to "ooh, mind!" as if her massive tote was its own entity for which she wasn't responsible.

Seriously. WTF is wrong with people sometimes. There are millions of little annoying things about the T (people not moving INTO the bus/subway car, T drivers who abruptly smash the brake, riders who need to take up one whole seat for their bag) but for some reason it was the bag swingers who got me this week.

Phew! I just had to say that.

Pattycake, Pattycake, Bake me a cake.... or a cookie....

2008-11-29T22:48:00.002-05:00

Do you know how to turn on your oven?

Yes? Great!

Now go over to Calamity Shazaam in the Kitchen and sign up for Operation Baking GALS Round Five with Team Calamity Shazaam.

Thank you!!!!

WTFF - What The F*ck Friday.

2008-11-28T23:17:00.003-05:00

I sat out the shopping frenzy that has come to dominate the day after Thanksgiving, as I pretty much always do.

Apparently I, along with a few other people, were the only ones who did.

You know what? That sh*t is INSANE. I was reading about the shopping insanity out there today and all I can say is that I hope never to be a part of that. Just reading about it gave me the shivers.

It was so out of control that an employee at WalMart was trampled to death. Trampled to death by deranged shoppers who couldn't wait to charge up a storm. Unbelievable.

And from all accounts, folks are going crazy to buy flat screen tvs. So I guess this depressions breadline is going to be a flat screen tv line.

What a difference an editor makes.

2008-11-26T16:40:00.003-05:00

From Boston.com:

From The New York Times:

Don't get me wrong, I think that what happened to Haleigh Poutre is horrific. However I just think that terrorist attacks in India are more relevant.

Oh well. The Boston Globe is pretty biased when it comes to which events they turn into a media circus. So I suppose that if these attacks had happened in a more culturally similar country, the front page of Boston.com would look more like the front page of NYTimes.com.

My heart goes out to all the people in India, and around the world, who are directly affected by this event. Terrorists suck. Acts of terror that tear apart the tissues of society take ages to repair, and then even then never really heal. Because it is really hard to forget something like that.

Which makes me even more thankful this year for the things I hold most important in my life.

I just have to say...

2008-11-22T17:47:00.006-05:00

To the person who screwed over my sister, let me just remind you that karma is a bitch.

I understand that you have a complicated relationship with your father, that every boyfriend you've had in the past few years has rightly decided that you are a nutter and dumped your sorry ass/called the police on you, and that you've had difficulty keeping the past three jobs - I get it that you have "issues". However that did not give you a free pass to f*ck over my sister.

You stink. You stink like a bag of piss.

The right thing to do would have been to tell her that you were working with someone else and to take her to a nice dinner and say thank you for your help.

But you did the wrong thing. Which frankly doesn't surprise anyone. Because you seem to excel at doing the wrong thing every single time.

Good luck to you. As I mentioned, karma is a bitch. Or perhaps, who needs karma when they have the life you live.

I am glad I am not making car payments right now

2008-11-19T22:38:00.003-05:00

Because I would be PISSED if I was paying for the lifestyles of the rich and clueless. Who just want to be richer and dumber.

Today it was the Big Three from Detroit who went to Capitol Hill to demand an automotive bailout.

Give me a break! It's like that story about the Emperor with no clothes on. Someone needs to point out that the lumbering old automotive behemoth is nekkid.

Why on earth should taxpayers be required to bailout the auto industry? An industry that behaves very much like a churlish old uncle that no one can remember whose side he's from and who drinks too much at family functions and tells off-color jokes that insult everyone in a two foot radius. I mean really. Throw us a bone or an electric car for the masses at least!

It's surreal.

As for me, I am going to stick to buying junkers off of Craigslist. I've had pretty good luck. And at least I won't be giving any money to any company who says this, in response to inquiries about traveling via private jet to ask for a bailout:

"Making a big to-do about this when issues vital to the jobs of millions of Americans are being discussed in Washington is diverting attention away from a critical debate that will determine the future health of the auto industry and the American economy," GM spokesman Tom Wilkinson.

Dear Mr. Tom Wilkinson, you are very bad at your job. The only person worse at their job was Marie Antoinette. She also goaded the masses, and look what happened to her. Chop! Chop!

Here's a tip, and it's a freebie, flying about the country on private jets is a great way to generate plenty of free bad publicity at the very moment when you ought to be making every attempt at genuflection, no matter how insincere.

Even I know that.

This is why I luuuurve the NYT

2008-11-16T12:49:00.003-05:00

They use word like "Calamity" and "Fancy Pants" on the front page.

10 Bonus points for you if you can answer this one....

2008-11-15T16:56:00.004-05:00

So in case you've been wondering where I've been on recent Friday nights, I've been playing Trivial Pursuit at the Trident Bookseller & Cafe.

And guess what? Team Smartie Pants is on fire!

At first ShiftyMike and I had a go at trivia because I kept winning at Scrabble and I honestly felt badly about not being able to at least throw one game. ShiftyMike is an awfully good sport about it though.

The first time we went we won, much to our complete amazement. We really were not expecting that one at all.

Since then we've been on a winning streak. It's pretty ridiculous, especially when you consider the questions are hard. Which is a nice change.

SO the bonus question last night was: On the television series KnightRider, what was the name of KITT's nemesis?

And don't be the a**hole who Googles it ok. You either know it or you don't. And yeah, you probably don't.

And the answer is not F.O.R.D. - Found On Road Dead.

Trivia is every Friday night at 8 and is hosted by the dry and charming Max Power. It's free and you are not required to order anything, but you might as well. You will know who I am because I am the one who says "holy crap we were right?!" after every correct answer.

See you there!

Dial 'S' for.....

2008-11-12T21:29:00.004-05:00

Shut the f*ck up!

Is the Boston Globe kidding with the article about people who are ashamed of their cellphone?

Possibly my favorite bit is this quote :

"You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of phone they carry," says image consultant Doris Klietmann. "If you have someone with a BlackBerry, you can usually assume they're educated and they either earn a good salary or they have an important job that requires them to be in constant communication. You can also assume that someone with a 16-gigabyte iPhone also makes a decent amount of money and is someone who always has to have the newest thing. People who have these phones are conscious of things like fashion designers and like to stay on top of trends."

Hmmm oh really? And I thought when one "assumed" it made an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

I have never assumed anything about someone based on their goddamn cellphone. Admittedly I have judged some people as colossal twats for carrying on loud conversation in publics, usually about nothing interesting whatsoever. But not because of the phone they were hollering into.
Can you hear me now? How about now? And now?

Plus who cares how much money you earn, probably you're just going to pay for it on your credit card anyway. When I see the a big fancy expensive house I don't think "educated" or important job", instead I think "adjustable rate mortgage" and "short sale". Hey, images can be deceiving.

And anyway a Blackberry looks like a calculator. Or a remote control. No matter what anyone says. Sorry.

My second favorite quote is this:

"A lot of gadgets these days have become more of a style or status symbol," said Steve Kidera of the CEA. "Look at TVs. It used to be that people would hide them in the armoires. But now they're prominently displayed like art."

Ok, if you display a tv like art, you are an idiot. And you don't know what art is. Not that I know what art is either, but I know that you know it when you see it and a tv doesn't count.

At any rate, after I finished the article, I really was thinking that it was meant to be submitted to the Onion. Or published on April Fool's Day.

Oh, that's my calculator ringing. Gotta run and tot up some sums! Bye!

Sign o' the Times

2008-11-10T18:20:00.005-05:00

First of all this sign has been hanging there for at least 6 months.

And secondly, I am thinking the errors in spelling are directly related to the fact that it hasn't opened yet.

It's a sport bar that serves coktails and also offers causal dining.

Yipes.