Friday, February 29, 2008

Addicted to Firebrand

I don't know why I am so addicted to Firebrand, but I am.

It's on at 11pm on Channel 68 and all the show is are commercials from around the world.


Especially the Axe ads. They are funny all over the world - it's a universal thing.

Friday, February 22, 2008

For $2.2 million I hope the lights are included

Look what just came on the market:

If you are having trouble recognizing it, maybe this will jog your memory:

Neighbors (and Al Gore) are probably thrilled, but kids everywhere are going to be wondering who canceled Christmas.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Having faith in recycling

Tonight I went to a screening of a documentary made by Martin Ostrow and Terry Kay Rockefeller called Renewal.

It was extraordinary.

And coming from someone who only recycles because it was a better resolution than trying to lose weight last year, and who doesn't believe in god(s), that is pretty extraordinary.

It was totally eye-opening and I highly recommend that everyone go see it. Taking better care of this planet should not be relegated just to the earthy-crunchy tree huggers of the world. It's like preventative medicine, a measure taken to ensure a better quality of life not just in the now, but also for the future.

It's stupid not to really.

The piece on mining practices in Kentucky will blow your mind. You can't believe that that kind of thing is happening today. Check out this website for more:

Literally they are removing whole entire mountaintops to get to the coal. I almost cried when they showed one man who talked about how the hickory tree in front of his house that had been there since forever had been destroyed, not only the tree, but the entire ridge. Just erased.

That picture doesn't even give you the feeling of the scale of the destruction. It's hard to believe that humans can do that to the planet.

The other story that stuck out was about a preacher down in Moss Point, Mississippi.

He had a small church in a poor town that had been pretty thoroughly contaminated by area refinerys and other chemical industry throughout the years.

After Hurricane Katrina hit, Moss Point was completely contaminated.

It is estimated that prior to Katrina 95% of the population of Moss Point were living with some type of environmentally caused ailment.

Post-Katrina that figure is now 100%.

And it's not even 1962 like you'd think it was. But after Katrina hit, the preacher was hit by the Holy Spirit (his telling of the event is alone worth the ticket price) and it made an environmentalist out of him. And hey, if god is now talking about cleaning up the environment, I imagine it's time to listen! Two words: Noah's Ark!

This documentary is showing this weekend at the MFA. It's about $10 to get in. And it's a good thing to spend your money on. You won't feel lectured to, you will leave inspired - that I promise you!

Plus if you don't fall in love with Farmer Floyd, well then there is something wrong with you.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

If you suffer from "indignancy"....

You are probably a criminal.

Welllll let me just clarify: you are probably a person who has reason to be proven guilty in a court of law.

Today I overheard a woman discussing the whys and wherefores of her arrest to her friend. Seemingly she assaulted someone who evidently was "owed it", and as she was being arrested a baggie of weed was discovered on her person.

She was quite put out because she was not treated with respect by the officers, as she put it she was "suffering from the indignancy of it all".

And she wants her pot back.

I want to know how a person earns a beating debt. That is not a debt I would like to incur.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Why my knees are covered in cat sh*t.

I have a problem in my house.

For some reason I am really really good at ignoring hissing.

Yep. When something starts to hiss, I tune it right out.

Which is a big NO-NO when you are a homeowner. When something in the house starts to hiss, and I am not talking about a radiator hissing noises here, it means something has either just broken, or is starting to break.

It's like when your kid suddenly goes quiet and you ask what they are doing and they say "nothing!" and really they are very quietly coloring in their little sibling with a Sharpie, from head to toe.

The first time I ignored the hiss, it was the day after some holiday - Christmas or Thanksgiving. Rather than check out what was causing the hiss ( I don't have radiators. There is nothing in my house that should hiss when it is functioning properly) I turned the TV up.

Now, mind you, if I heard anything OTHER than a hiss, I am all over it. When I first moved here and the crackhouse next door was still in operation, I kept a baseball bat beside my bed. I wanted to keep a big huge gun beside my bed, but that's not as aesthetically pleasing really. Besides, a baseball bat fits the inner city cliche SO much better...

Anyway, so there I am ignoring the hissing coming from the basement. Until I go to do laundry and it turns out that the hissing is coming from the washing machine water feed.

And there is about an inch of water on the basement floor.

So what is the first thing I do? I call Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
FYI - My Dad is Superman. He can fix anything AND he knows everything. It ties in well with my Mom's ability to predict the weather and make a 10 course meal with just a can of chickpeas and an onion. They make quite a pair.

Dad comes over, gives me a basic overview of how plumbing works, helps me vacuum up the water (you can vacuum up water!?! extraordinary!) and sets everything back to rights in that calm and methodical way of his.

After one flooded basement, you'd think I've learned my lesson. But no.

Today it was 60-something degrees in Boston and raining. It flooded my backyard and turned everything to mush.

So I stayed in and fiddled around in the house. And tried to block out that faint hissing noise I started hearing when the rain stopped.

hiiissssssss, hissssssssss

Hmmmmm. Hard to hear over the music, but very faintly there.

Until I go outside to dump my peelings on the compost heap. Then the hissing is not so faint. And there is a lake at the bottom of my porch stairs.

Just as EvenSteven predicted it would, the garden hose burst. Because I "forgot" to crawl under the deck and turn off the water in the fall.

Crawling under the deck is something I hate doing. It's where the cats go to sh*t and where the creepy-crawlers go to mate. Blech!

However, this time there was no one to bribe into crawling under the deck and switching off the water so I had to do it myself. And I had to do it really fast, like pulling off a Band-Aid.

Which is why my knees now have cat poop and creepy-crawly carcass ground in them. Yuck.

See, this is why I ignore the hissing.

Nevermind the weather - Boston is not so bad...

Considering that I could be living in Kosovo, if I had been born to different parents and all.

I happened to randomly know a few people from the area. One of whom stayed with my folks for a time. She's a lovely girl, quite humorless and anti-American when she first arrived, but considering what she'd been through it was kind of understandable.

She told us of how she and her family were forced from their home by Serbs and given only a few hours to get out. She had to leave behind all her personal mementos and take only her diplomas and identification. I can't even imagine that. I doubt that I would have the presence of mind to have that kind of forward thinking as my world was falling apart around me.

When they were finally able to go back, there was a Serbian family living in their house. Most appalling was the fact that they were using all her and her family's personal items, from their clothes to their toothpaste!

This is like something you read happening during World War II, not in the past ten years.

Another time, while she was living here, one parent fell gravely ill and she had to fly home on short notice. Well at the time, since Kosovo didn't really exist, she had to go through all these Byzantine procedures to get her visas and flights approved. And then getting a flight to Pristina was a whole other nightmare, because really - how do you book travel to a country that doesn't exist, especially when you are traveling on a NATO passport.

So today as I was reading about Kosovo declaring independence, I thought of her. On the one hand I am excited for her, for her people. On the other hand, it seems like something awful and violent is coming down the pike.

It is a situation that I can the many sides of, but which I cannot understand.

Which makes me exceptionally grateful for my simple, cushy American life where the big national news is whether or not Obama ripped off Deval!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Audrey Ryan doesn't do 10,000 Maniacs

I went to see Audrey Ryan on Friday night and let me tell you, she is good. Really, really good.

Her MySpace page includes a quote describing her as a cross between Joni Mitchell and Radiohead.

I love her song "Later Alligator" - one of the most accurate songs about the high school experience I think I've ever heard.

Luckily for me, she politely played it twice because I missed it the first time.

Probably also because the only other person making requests was completely wasted and totally desperate and kept requesting 10,000 Maniacs and the Grateful Dead while dry-humping some guy's leg and sucking down Cape Codders. *sigh*

Anyhow anyone who plays the accordion as prettily as she does ought to be famous. Check out her song "People" - it gets in your head.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Be my lovely Valentine

If we all spent more time making love then I really think that life would improve considerably on so many levels.

It should be Valentines Day everyday.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Did you know that Valentimes Day is Thursday?

Every year my Mom gives me a nice little Valentine gift, so for me, Valentine's Day means that my Mommy lurves me!

And I like to spread the joy, so this year I've been making sugar cookies designed like those NECCO conversation hearts to give to my friends and co-workers. Because if you get 1000 Valentine's or just the one, at least it's better than none.

I've kept the sayings pretty generic - "Be Mine", "U R Nice", "Text Me"....

But a little Cupid sent me the following photo. Totally inappropriate, completely NSFW, and oh yeah, it came from Europe, where the c-word is used like we 'Mericans use the word "b*tch!".

You've been warned!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Honking only makes it worse later

I am sometimes a driver and sometimes a pedestrian. And I always think that both groups are a bunch of f*ckwits.

Everyone knows that drivers aim for pedestrians, while pedestrians intentionally stroll s-l-o-w-e-r in crosswalks. Whatever, it's life.

But jerkiness always catches up with you.

Today for example.

I was on Huntington Street - which, as a driver and occasionally as a pedestrian I HATE. I try to avoid being on it as much as I can. It's bumpy, poorly marked, and badly signed. And once I was walking down the far end and narrowly missed a torrent of vomit from an upper floor window. Yeah, as much as I can, I stay away.

Except for today. I got stuck in the wrong lane and had to drive down Huntington instead of cutting up and over Heath Street like I often do.

One reason I hate driving down Huntington is the trolleys. I am just no good at sharing the road with trolleys. I don't know why and I don't really care - I just don't like it.

So I am behind two cars and the trolley comes to a stop at an intersection where it's green light.

Which means the first driver has to stop even though it's a green light - trolley's are like the school bus, there is a little stop sign that is attached to the trolley door so when it opens, the trolley lights flash and there is this stop sign.

Now, to me that means that even though the light is green, us drivers have to stop so that the passengers can walk from the stop to the trolley without getting mowed down.

However if you are a Masshole driver it means laying on your horn and yelling out the window to the car in front of you "to what the f*ck a**hole? MOVE!" because you are too much of a tardo to see the stop sign on the trolley.

This guy is literally leaning out the window, screaming at the driver of the first car. I of course had my window cracked to hear every sweet word of invective this moron was letting loose.

And then had a good chuckle because just ahead of the first car, just past the intersection, was a cop car. And as we all started moving again, guess who was getting pulled over?

Yep, the screaming loony toon with the vocabulary of a drunken French sailor!

Because I am pretty sure road rage is a no-no.

Ha! Bad boys, bad boys, whatchoo gonna do....

Bad boys! bad boys! Whatchoo gonna do?

Whatchoo gonna do when they come for you!

My pal EvenSteven sent me the link to and now I am hooked.

(Quick back story - when I was a kid, my parents told me that the TV was broken and could only tune in Sesame Street, Electric Company, and Zoom. When they found out that the babysitter could magically fix the TV and tune in General Hospital and The Price is Right, they told us that TV would rot our brains. Well, they were right about the brain and the rotting - although I prefer to blame booze, internet, and too much candy.)

Anyway, given my TV deprived background, I have spent much of my adult life catching up on all that I missed (Rosebud!) and now I can watch lots of it on Hulu.

So what is the first thing I tune in? Cops! That's right - bad boys, bad boys! And I have just finished watching five episodes in a row. Bad boys! Bad boys!

There is not one person who doesn't know that theme music. All you have to say is "bad boys bad boys" and I guarantee you someone around you will pipe up with "whatchoo gonna do?"

And everyone always pretends that Cops is so pedestrian and low brow and that they would never ever watch it, but I think that the biggest reason people secretly really do watch it is because EVERYONE likes to know that there are dumber people than them out there.

Because who hasn't had that awkward civilian-policeman moment? I know I've had one or two. Like the time that I was pulled over and the nice policeman said:

"Miss, do you know why I pulled you over?"

To which I nearly replied:

"Because I was doing 50 in a 20 mile per hour zone?"

Thankfully he interrupted me before I could and very helpfully informed me that one tail-lamp was out.

If my answer had been:

"Because I have a trunk full of guns, ammo, and 48 pounds of coke"

I feel that I would have definitely made it onto Cops. *sigh*

Bad boys! Bad Boys!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

If you live in Roxbury and voted....

Can someone please tell me which Ward Committee won the election yesterday?

I had the option to vote for Group 1, 2 , or 3.

What the f*ck is wrong with me that I can't find this information online?

It's probably because I can't stop surfing the Dorchester Atheneum website. Argghhhh.

Another Internet Sink Hole

I totally fell right in to this Internet sink hole early today.

I have been clicking through the photos on the Dorchester Atheneum web site since like 5:30 this evening.

I have a headache.... *sigh* *click*click*

I mean who knew there had been a home for consumptives back in the day. Are there homes for consumptives any more? What is consumption anyway? Is it really just tuberculosis?

Ailments were much better named back in Olden Days. Does anyone get diagnosed with cerebrasthenia any more? What about diphtheria? How about dropsy?

Anyway, yeah, a Home for Consumptives in good old Dorchester.

Who'da thunk it!

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Operator Error! MBTA Part 2

Ok so yesterday's post on using the MBTA Trip Planner found its way to Universal Hub where a couple of people pointed out that I was not being exactly specific enough, and that I should have noticed that the Trip Finder was actually sending me to Comm Ave in NEWTON. Duh!

Yes, I should have noticed that, my bad.

I do think that it would have been helpful for there to be some way to pick the Comm Ave I was looking for. When I look up an address on Google maps it spits out a couple of offerings that alert me to being more specific.

When I originally typed in my address, I put in my number and street name, forgetting the zip code. At that point I did get a drop down box asking which street I wanted. But when I picked the Roxbury option, the Planner still mapped from Newton - telling me to walk 23 minutes to Boston College station.

However, when I typed in "969 Commonwealth Ave" in the second box the Planner just defaulted to Newton.

I think that having to make multiple attempts at getting the starting point correct, I sort of spaced out on the destination.

Hey and I am from here. I should have known there were two 969 Comm Aves.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Welcome to Whatthef*ckachusetts

I KNOW I am not the first person to comment on the complete buffoonery of the MBTA, but fo'shizz until it happens to you, you really can't believe it.

So tonight I am heading to see Rhett Miller at the Paradise.

*sighhh* Rhett Miller, he's so dreamy...

Anyway, since I want to have a few beverages of the alcoholic variety I am leaving the Shampagne Supernova home (drinking & driving is wrong and avoidable!).

I live in the 'bury so I figure I will take the T.

My experience tells me to take the #1 down Mass Ave and pick up the B Line at Hynes.

However, according to the boneheads at the MBTA, from my door to the Paradise at first spat out an itinerary that would take 181 minutes. That's THREE HOURS in minutes!

Something was clearly amiss.

I re-typed in my whole address with the zip code and everything and another itinerary was generated. This involved taking a bus to the Boston Common area, then hopping on a Newton Express bus, and then catching some other bus from Watertown Yard, shaving off about 100 minutes, bringing the total travel time to 80 minutes.

What? So I moved the starting point to the nearest major intersection for me: Mass Ave & Tremont Street, hoping that would finally agree with me that the #1 to the Green Line was the best option.

But no. This time I was instructed to take the #1 to Harvard Station, then take another bus to Watertown Yard, and then some other bus.

I lost track because all I could see was that it was going to take 87 minutes. That's one hour and twenty-seven minutes for those of you who are bad at math. Seven more minutes that the 2nd trip!

And what the F*CK is with Watertown Yard? Does every trip have to go through there?

Not only that, but every variation of the trip cost $4.50.

My version should theoretically only cost about $1.70. But um that remains to be seen...

(click on the picture to see the nasty details)

Friday, February 01, 2008

Go Pats!

I cannot help myself - I love the "F" word almost as much as I love coffee and donuts.

The problem is that using the word is like singing or comedy. Using it requires appropriate pitch, tone, timing, whatever fancy musical term you like. And mostly it is funny when little tiny kids say it as their first word. Even if you don't admit it, it's funny.

Anyway, as it is I am neither chanteuse nor comedienne and when I drop the "F-bomb" people are f*cking offended.

So you are probably wondering what this post has to do with the Pats.

Well, Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald is my dirty ugly little secret. His potty mouth and ability to sustain a buuuuurrrpp is totally hot. Behold my hidden shame...

And my addiction to his profanity-laden pre-game commentary fuc*ing KILLS me.

So here you go. And remember it is Not Suitable For Work.
Because he says "fuck" like a lot.