Thursday, January 31, 2008

Legalese: Keeping us in check since the olden times!

Ok so my favorite thing about the language of the law is that it was mostly written in the olden days. Like the 1676 days of yore.

When being accused of being common was criminal!

Like being charged with being a Common and Notorious Thief.

Not only is it a bad thing to be, but it sounds like a bad thing to be.

Or a Common Nightwalker. Which sounds like someone taking a casual evening stroll around Castle Island, but which really means prostitute, or those windshield washers at the Roxbury Tollbooth.

And what I don't get is why we kept the language but got rid of the stocks.

I think that if they put the stocks back on Boston Common, it would do a lot toward reducing crime.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Why I woke up wondering why it was snowing out.

I had no clue that the hatches had to be battened because the Vrai Pain Grille and Monsieur Marmalade are on holiday in Florida.

Getting toasted I imagine.

Resolution 2: Date more

2008 - Year of the Date

Let me just say that for about a year or so I was on a self-imposed dating hiatus. After a series of unfortunate love tangles and terrible dates, I decided to take myself out of the mix and date myself for a bit. I know from experience that I am a terrific date and I always say yes when I ask myself out!

However the hiatus is now over and I am ready to date.

January's been good so far, as it has been for my fellow blogger and dear friend The Blonde Bombshell.

She has been much better about her resolutions this year than me, I should follow her lead a little more proactively. She's been resolutely wading through the dating pool and blogging about her adventures over on Date in 08.

However I personally am a little nervous about the whole Match/Chemistry/EHarmony thing.

Online dating seems a lot like online grocery shopping to me: "Hey that cantaloupe looks delish! Nice and firm and juicy looking!" But then when Peapod actually delivers it, it turns out to be sort of smooshy and rotty and pulpy inside.

I like to meet people in person, squeeze the cantaloupe for myself, if you will.

Which is why I have been saying yes to almost every invite. Because who knows, one of these days I am going to meet my lobster!

That was easy!

I am now officially a Burlesque Queen of Boston!

Yes, it's twue! It's twue! I stripped off, or rather in burlesque speak, I revealed myself all the way down to my bra, knickers and garter.

In front of 13 other people.

Mind you they were all also scantily clad women, so it was far less intimidating than I thought.

And it turns out that everyone else out there - no matter their height, weight, or gym predilection - has something that jiggles, wobbles, or dimples. Everyone. No one is exempt from a jiggle, wobble, or dimple.

We learned how to bump (slam the car door with your hip!), grind (yeah, that kind!), and strut like, well, strut (slink even!) like the burlesque queens of yore.

Which make everyone, everyone, look really hot, no matter how self-conscious they are of the jiggle, wobble, or dimple. You can't help it, thigh highs & garters make everyone look good. Throw in heels and a slinky walk and ay carumba mama!

And most impressively (totally worth the class cost alone) we learned how to twirl our pastie tassels like pros! You can make them twirl one direction, twirl the other direction, and even twirl one in one direction while the other twirls in the opposite direction. A very cool trick for the repertoire.

You leave with a routine suitable even for people with two left feet, music, and your own set of pasties.

And in my case, an insatiable urge to buy a few oversize ostrich feather fans. You know, for later, when I take the next class....

Thursday, January 24, 2008


I totally forgot about posting on my own garndog blog!!!

I knew I've been forgetting to do something these past few days! I tell you, my brain is turning into pudding.

Anyway, well, hopefully there are a few lovely readers still out there...

So what have I been doing all this time? Well for one thing I have been trying to get through all my Resolutions. They seem to get more onerous the longer they take to do.

Here's a sort of quick recap:

Resolution 1: Take a New Years Day Plunge into the ocean
(Didn't happen. Spent day in bed. Much more fun! Maybe next year.)

Resolution 2: Date more
(This is the fun one! Wanna go out? Email me! )

Resolution 3: Delete .38 Special from playlist
(Couldn't do it. So I hid it in my Cheap Trick album for a funny surprise later.)

Resolution 4: Do one thing off the Cheap Thrills list each week
(The logistics of this involve adding more time into the continuum. Won't happen this year.)

Resolution 5: Walk more
(Easy. I either walk to work, or get up at 6am and walk 3 miles. I love this part of my day.)

Resolution 6: Make more food from scratch
(Easy. Except for the part where I made a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. Of course now I have to eat it. Ha - I can eat my cake and have it too! Nice!)

Resolution 7: Go to one show a month
(Easy. I already have shows booked for February and March.)

Resolution 8: Keep Shampagne Supernova running!
(Errrrr, ummmm, I still need to sort out some Bondo....)

Resolution 9: Swim under water without plugging my nose
(Whoo hoo done! I can't wait to try this out at in the ocean!)

Resolution 10: Get rid of my junk
(I got rid of a big chunk of it, including the old Raleigh bike I had lounging in my hallway for two years. I traded it with a lovely person from old old Craigslist for a gift card which might translate into new sheets to help with Resolution 2!)

So yeah, I've been a little busy. But really that is no excuse.

Maybe we can go out and I can buy you a drink to make up for it!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

When French Toast & Vrai Pain Grille Agree

The French Toast Weather Alert System from Universal Hub is set to HIGH, so naturally I called the only weather person I trust: La Maman.

"Mom, I am going to the market, do you need anything" I say.

"Are you going to batten down zee 'atches?" she says, and I know she is smirking a little.

"Um, well do I need to?" I ask.

"Yes, I sink so. I brought my work 'ome wiz me on Friday. I sink it will be bad. But your granfahzaire zayz it will juz be rain" is her response.

Which tells me two things.

1) She has known about this "weather event" since Friday and only now tells me! The nerve!


2) It is going to SUCK. Unless of course Grandpa is right (which he is surprisingly often), in which case you should run out right now and buy an umbrella. Because it is always fun to panic about the weather.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Favorite news item of the week

From the Noo Yawk Times:

Corpse Wheeled to Check-Cashing Store Leads to 2 Arrests

There is no way to read this article without thinking "Weekend at Bernies"! A reference the author helpfully also includes.

I can't help it, this story made me laugh.

It reminds me that no matter how sophisticated and swank people think they are, there is always going to be a couple of buddies out there wheeling the dead one to the check cashing place for a few extra party dollars.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Nobody puts Babydoll in the corner!

Ahhhhh Boston, home of the Bean and the Cod....

and Scollay Square burlesque!

I thought it would be interesting to explore this intriguing chapter in Boston's fine old history.

So I signed up for the Boston Babydolls Instant Burlesque Queen class.

Because I ask you - who wouldn't want to prance about on stage with feathers and pasties?

Resolution #9 DONE!

The best part about banging out New Year's Resolutions in January is that then they are DONE and you can go on about your life.

Resolution #9 - swim under water without plugging my nose. For some reason I have never in my entire life ever been able to do this. I've had hundreds of people tell me how to do it, but for some reason I never quite got the hang of it. Plus I HATE anything going up my nose.

However today was the day. I was talking to my swim buddy and was explaining how I was trying to learn how to swim under the water without holding my nose. He looked at me like I was a big imbecile and said "Huh? What are you talking about? Just do it. Just go under."

Hmmmmmm. Really?

And guess what? That did it. I just went under. And it was totally fine.

And I didn't drown. So whoo hoo!

Now if someone asks me how to swim under the water without holding their nose, I am going to say "Just do it. And also, keep your mouth shut."

I can't wait to go back to the pool!

Friday, January 04, 2008

New Year's Resolution #10 - almost done

In an effort to bang through some of my Resolutions, I spent most of yesterday and almost all of today getting rid of my CRAP.

George Carlin was right to describe a house as a shelter for crap. I have been sheltering an island of crap for years now.

Thank the stars I have my dear neighbor/friend EvenStephen to help me out. I call him EvenStephen because he is probably the calmest, evenest, person I have ever met.

I also have to thank the stars for my Fairy Godfather who answered the panicked call. He came right over and performed a little triage on the profusion of junk that has been clogging up my life.

Out into the garbage went three massive big bags and two broken telly's. Two! Shameful! Then we made two trips to Goodwill. Bye bye all you ill-fitting clothes and too small coats! Bye bye impulse-purchase handbags and shoes I will never really wear!

Then finally we packed up the truck with the rest of the stuff to be sold at a tag sale. Or given away if someone really wants it.

Now my closet is practically empty. So is the basement. I feel like I lost weight.

Let me know if you need anything. I probably have it. Heck, I might have two of it.

New Year's Resolution #7 - done

I went to see Blade Runner last night at the Brattle Theater.

A few observations:

* Vangelis should be scoring more movies than James Horner

* Sean Young was a good looking woman before James Woods made her crazy.

* Having a flask with you at the theater helps keep the chill off your feet.

* The Brattle shows awesome movies and will probably be the only reason that I keep Resolution 7.

* I am in the "Deckard is a Replicant" camp. And in the "Harrison Ford is hot!" camp.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Bundle UP

I went outside by accident this morning and yep, it is still f*cking COLD out.

On the Brass Ball Scale it is about 26 Brass Balls out, however the wind chill drops it down to about 48 Brass Balls.

That sh*t is COLD!

Thanks to AdamG for the Brass Balls link!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Cold enough to make pissicles out!

Oh my holy frozen moly - it is COLD out. When did this happen? How come there is not a French Toast warning system for really frickin' COLD????

My neighbor calls it "pissicle" cold. Which means that when he goes and he pees outside, it makes a sort of icicle.

Yep, I surely do live in the CLASSY part of town. Um, rather the KLASSY part of town.

Happy New Year!

It's 2008! Whoo hoo!

I have to just say that I still haven't sorted out my New Year's Resolutions so much. I did come up with a couple more though

7. Go to one show a month. I don't go to enough live music, movies, or theater performances as I would like. If I at least go to one a month, that's twelve a year and that's about nine more than last year!

8. Keep the Shampagne Supernova on the road for 2008. I have been sort of lackadaisical about putting any care into the 240 because quite frankly I paid $650 for it, it's taken a beating, and it sort of looks like a Coors beer can that was crushed and then uncrushed and then given four wheels and a transmission. So it's been a tough car to love, especially after the Blue Bomber and the Satanmobile. But now that it hasn't crapped out on me, it's time to return the love, get a can of Bondo, and sort out the trim, and the steering is a bit wobbly...

9. Learn how to swim underwater without plugging my nose. I really don't know how and considering how much I love to be in the pool or in the ocean it seems like something I ought to know how to do.

10. Get rid of all my junk. Not the junk in the trunk, but the junk everywhere else. I have an absurd amount of junk in my house. It's going to kill me. So I need to kill it first.

One thing I will NOT be doing in 2008 is have a baby. Having a baby just for the heck of it seems to have been the theme of 2007. It sort of seemed like suddenly everyone in Hollywood sprouted the "bump". Jessica Alba, Jamie Lynn Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Lily Allen all let the nickel drop. Quite frankly I am surprised that Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, and Anna Nicole Smith aren't preggo too.

Oh wait, Anna Nicole died in 2007. Nevermind. And I really thought that Tom Cruise would have figured out how to get his own self pregnant by now.

I think that I would really rather just have a fabulous designer handbag. Although I am trying not to have so much stuff. But then again a handbag isn't so much "stuff" as it is "a necessary component of living, like food and oxygen".

And unlike a baby, you can store your fabulous designer handbag in the closet when you are bored with it.