Tuesday, June 28, 2005


Listen up you f**ing mo-ron!

If you are going to ask for a biscotti, and your first language is English, please, please, PLEASE, do not pronounce it as "biz-coaty".

It makes you sound like the completely pretentious f**ktard that you seem to be.

Or if you have to do it, do us a favor and pronounce everything else with that same stupid fakccent.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Bye bye Top Gun!

Of all the utterly inconsequential news items to hit the wire today was news that Tom Cruise popped the question to his child bride at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Up until this point I have really not given much attention to this relationship because I a) know neither person involved, and b) I don't care.

But now I can not stand the magnificent cheese fest any longer.

Tom Cruise was doing the nasty with Melissa Gilbert (of Little House on the Prairie fame) back in 1982. Katie was 4 at the time.

Then when Mr. Cruise married his first wife, Katie could have served as a flower girl, seeing as how she was nine at the time.

In interviews Miss. Holmes has admitted to having a poster of Mr. Cruise up on her wall as a teenager and wishing she would grow up and marry him.

Does this count as successful stalking?

Does this mean I still have a chance with Duran Duran?

I wonder how Ms. Kidman (38) is going to feel about Katie (26) playing stepmom to their kids.

Furthermore, the word "magnificent" as used by Mr. Cruise to describe Miss. Holmes or their relationship is an inappropriate choice of words. And troublesome, they have been dating for almost two months: neither Miss. Holmes or the Cruise-Holmes relationship is old enough to be "magnificent".

"Mid-life crisis" or "box office draw" would be entirely more appropriate in this situation.

And just so you know, if you Google "tom cruise magnificent" up pop a 168,000 references.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Don't trust scary wide eye people.


In case you have been residing in a bathtub full of gin for the past few months, let me introduce you to the lovely Jenny Wilbanks.

This is the woman who staged her own abduction to get out of dealing with her out of control wedding. She claimed to have been snatched by a carload of Hispanics and ravished all the way from Hokey Pokey to Honky Tonky.

There are soooooo many things I want to say on this subject, especially as this is the year of the endless wedding weekend summer. But I will blog about THAT special subject later.

At present I just want to point out that you cannot trust wide-eye scary people.

You're welcome!

More scary wide-eye people


If this man came to your door, holding "a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood" would you let him in?

Apparently you would if you were a US Customs agent.

They let THIS fellow in, with an apparent stab wound in his neck, carrying all this scary death crap (homemade sword!) - clearly they don't see Canadians as a very big threat even when they arrive carrying bloody chain saws.

Although he does look like the Runaway Bride.

Maybe they are related.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Holy crap, it's been a while.

And for those of you who are wondering what exactly in the Wide Wide World of Sports I have been doing all this time, sorry, I dunno myself.

Well I know that for part of my day I am sucked into reading Missed Connections on Craigslist. Which is more like Cracklist to me. Seriously.

Granted there are some seriously boring ones to get through, like:
"My boyfriend thinks my best friend is hot. I have a hangnail. Oh my god is that a hiku?"

Then there are the ones anyone can repond to, like:
"i saw you on the T & ur hottt!. email me!"

Of course there are the ones that make me curious for more, like:
"Thanks for locking me up in the broom closet. The fifty on the nightstand is for you."

So that's part of it anyway. And then there is an ad for the season five DVD of the Sopranos which has been playing here in anticipation of Father's Day which I keep watching for. The ad is comprised of scenes between Tony and his son. Hilariously the music for this little montage is "Best Friend" by Harry Nilsson. You know, the theme from The Courtship of Eddie's Father.

You know you want to sing it...

So go ahead, lyrics provided below:

People let me tell you ‘bout my best friend
He’s a warm-hearted person who’ll love me to the end
People let me tell you ‘bout my best friend
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up my down, my pride and joy

People let me tell you now he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talking man to man
Or whether we’re talking son to son

Cause he’s my best friend now